Trial By Fire

Pre-Production Musical Art

2012-01-10T22:58:00.002-07:00

A New Year brings several new projects. First up on the docket is a musical art piece (aka music video) for a local musician who plays with your ears while filling your heart. Okay, what I wrote sounds ~~a little~~ hugely cheesy, but he's an amazing artist and I feel very honored that he decided to collaborate with us on this project. He's challenging us as filmmakers to produce an art piece that can tell a story based on a song and a woman's life.

We had our official pre-production meeting on Friday. We drank beer, talked, laughed, and came up with a solid plan for what comes next: Storyboarding! We've never done a storyboard for any of our film projects, so I'm looking forward to adding this to our skill set. Basically, a storyboard is your film drawn out in "comic-book" style with all the angles that you're planning/hoping to use in your film. That way, when you're on set, you don't miss a beat, or a shot. If you're really that interested in learning more about the storyboard, please read this informative Wikipedia article.

Before the storyboarding, of course, comes the writing. Then we've got costumes, props, a shot list, choreography, and last, but not least, the casting process. Whew! We're looking at the end of January as our deadline for having our pre-production done, then start the shooting in February. It's going to be a busy few weekends and late nights, but the end product will be worth it. And so will the entire process. We love making films, what more can we say?

We will also be adding some new secret weapons to this project. You think Michael Bay is awesome? Wait till you see our shit. I'm talking more than just the crane we used in our H48 project last year.

(Addendum: I actually don't like some of Michael Bay's work.)

Idaho's First H48

2011-12-01T21:00:00.001-07:00

And just like that...

It was over.

H48 came and went like my posts in this blog. We had such a fantastic time during the entire process that I simply forgot to write all about it. And also I got busy. And at one point I do remember mumbling to myself that I will never participate in another 48-hour film festival ever again. And I'm thinking that we might want to join next weekend's 48-hour film festival just for shits and giggles and to MAKE ANOTHER MOVIE! But the verdict on participating in that one is still out. We'll see. The festival doesn't even take place in Boise, it's in Spokane, and do we really have time to spend another weekend and more money to make a short film? I just don't know right now.

Anyway! H48 was a blast. Our team was about 19 members strong and we all worked so well together. In preparing for this horror 48-hour film, we went in search of the best location that we could imagine for making a horror movie! We decided to go all out and shoot in a very deep and incredibly dark cave. With minimal lighting and a bunch of tired actors. But we made it through! We survived! And we made a film to show for it.

There were a number of highlights from this particular project, the most obvious one was meeting all the fantastic people that we got to work with. We had some very talented actors on our team who also stepped up to the plate and helped out with things behind the scenes. They were all such troopers, crawling around in the dirt, wearing gobs of makeup, and allowing us to get them dirty. The horror sub-genre we received for this particular project was ZOMBIE. Pretty much the last thing that anyone wanted. I secretly hoped we'd get zombie because I knew it would be a challenge. My quiet little dream came true.

We wrote the script on Friday night and finished around midnight. Call was at our house at 4am Saturday morning to get into makeup and study lines. By 6am, we were on our way to our first location. In order to prove that this film was shot in a 48-hour period, we were required to shoot at one of six locations given to us by the judges. So, away we went to our required location. Then, before sun-up, we were headed to Kuna, Idaho, where we could shove everyone down a deep, dark cave, and hope that everything worked out.

We finished shooting at about 3:30pm, and drove home to transfer footage and start on the editing process. By about midnight/1am, Gene and I were very disappointed in our rough edit. It did NOT turn out how we had imagined. We had set out to make a serious zombie film, damn it! And it was anything but. It was actually really funny! But we were frustrated and we didn't want funny, we wanted serious. Because, you know, we're so good at serious and we NEVER do comedy. I forced us to bed for a few hours so that we could "sleep on it" and come back with a fresh mind. Well, that three hours certainly didn't clear the mind as well as we had hoped, but it did help and we resolved ourselves to the fact that we were making a comedic zombie film. And voila! It worked!

We didn't win any major awards, but I'd say we came out successful. We worked with the biggest team we've ever worked with. We battled through still darkness with only four lanterns and a few flashlights to help us. We suffered a fire brought on by a couple of hoodlums, and no one came out with poison ivy! A few scratches here and there and a number of us were blowing black shit out of our nostrils for a week, but all in all, it was a very successful project. I'm proud of it. :)

H48 Prep

2011-10-10T22:29:00.000-06:00

Cleaning the toilet always brings a person back to reality. Actually, today was a back-to-reality-check. I got frustrated at work (no biggie, it'll happen), I had my fourth flat tire in a month, couldn't make it to the gym, and then I had to scrub the toilet. It's been a very real day. Which is probably good for the soul - it keeps me humble. Life has been great, which is a huge turn around from my recent past. I couldn't be happier with the 40-hours a week I spend at work, my kitties are healthy (Stella got sick for a while but seems to be on the up-and-up now), Gene and I still get along, dance is going beautifully, and our production company is preparing for our next 48-hour-film festival.

WHAT-TO-THE-WHAT?!

It seems like only a few months ago I was writing about i48, which took place in June, which would have been a few months ago. Fucking hell how time is flying in these parts! Due to the regulations of i48, the producers of this wonderful festival have decided to put together a more "risque" 48-hour film festival. So, in honor of Halloween and all things scary, they're giving 13 teams the chance to make an R rated horror film. Holy WOW! am I excited about this. We signed up as soon as the word was out. We can have blood, guts, gore, swearing, and NUDITY!!! The last two are, obviously, my favorite parts. This festival, in my opinion, is a bigger deal than i48, because we don't really have to hold back. And if you've seen any of our shit, you know we like to let things fly. We swear, we tell raunchy jokes, and if Youtube would allow it, we'd also be naked.

The trick with these 48-hour film festivals is that you don't really know what you're getting yourself into until 6pm on Friday. I mean, we know its going to be a horror film, we know that we can have an R rating, and we know that its going to be between 5 to 7 minutes. But we can't write it, have any stock footage, or edit anything until the big weekend. And THAT, my friends, is where the fun and challenging part comes in. We'll gather on Friday, October 21, to find out what type of horror film we'll be making (zombies, slasher, etc.), we'll get a line of dialog, we'll have a list of locations that we have to use, and a prop. It is understood that there will be some pre-production such as gathering the cast, music, and securing your crew. So, yesterday, we had our pre-production meeting where we got to meet the rest of our team. I must say, I am thrilled to death at the talent we've gathered for this particular project. Gene and I haven't worked with most of the people on this team, but they come ready for action and blood and lots of fun. I can't wait to see what we can all produce together.

We had contemplated going with a small team again, just like we have in the past, but we knew we wanted to bring it for this festival. So, we put the word out. If you build it, they will come. (I know, its cheesy as fuck.) Since horror films aren't our forte, we've been brushing up on our special effects. We need practice, in a bad way, and what better way to practice than to make another Tiger and Rose Episode? Which isn't finished, but give it time. I just looked over at the editing computer and Gene blew his head off. It's awesome. We've taken the crane out to work with that and will be building a dolly this week. This project has really made us hit the fast forward button on our production company, and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Now that the toilet is clean, its time to hit a bigger dose of reality and get ready for bed. Tomorrow brings another day of real life.

Silence is Golden

2011-09-11T22:14:00.000-06:00

Today's fortune in my fortune cookie said: Silence is the great teacher, and to learn its lessons you must pay attention to it.

Just before reading that fortune, I was telling Gene about how I've chosen to be silent recently, most particularly on Facebook. I used to post all kinds of things - whatever came to mind I would write about it. In the last few months, I've gotten quieter and quieter, only posting when I really feel that I can't keep my mouth shut. Which is more often than a lot of people I know, but minimal for me. Lots of changes have been going on in my life - all good - and at this point, I kind of want to keep them to myself. I've told a few choice friends about the awesome stuff that's happening, but I think its important to keep it quiet from most. Almost like I'd ruin my "secret" if I said something about it. None of the shit I'm keeping to myself is so phenomenal that you might shit your pants, but it's cool to me and could some day lead to bigger and better things with our films. So, for now, I hold the key to my silence.

In being silent, it has been pointed out to me that I've become distant. I've actually pissed off a few people because I've gotten quiet. But sometimes, a girl just needs to keep to herself. As I've gotten older and am now sitting in my early 30's (and will be in my early 30's until I reach 38, thank.you.very.much) I've come to realize that the mundane shit that I do just isn't that exciting for most people to hear/read about. I don't like hearing/reading about the mundane shit that most people do, so why the fuck would they want to hear about me? And THAT is why I've chosen to become silent. My life is not drama-worthy, there's some incredibly weird shit that happens in my life, but its nothing that anyone needs to worry their pretty little head about. I deal, and then I move on, and I choose not to tell people about it. I will however, share some mundane shit about my day. If you don't care, then fuck off and stop reading. ;-)

Last weekend, we drove 10 hours one-way to Glacier National Park in Montana. I have yet to look at the massive amounts of photos I took, but I can say right now that it was absolutely beautiful. We saw so much wildlife and walked through snow in September. It was such a wonderful place to visit and I hope to make it back there again soon. Our plan was to camp with my cousins for most of the weekend, and spend Sunday night with Gene's friend from high school. My cousins had to cut their trip short, so Gene and I actually had an entire weekend of camping to ourselves. We haven't had time alone in a LONG time. We have a great group of friends, but sometimes a married couple just needs to have some married couple time alone. Wanna know what we did with our time? WE SLEPT.

We spent most of Saturday with Gene's friend and his family, then had dinner with them on Sunday. I'm not one for kids, but I really connected with their two boys (6 & 3). I don't know what it was, but I got along great with those kids and we had a blast together. Doesn't make me want to have kids, but it certainly made the weekend much more bearable. ;-)

I am a pescetarian, meaning that I am a vegetarian who eats fish/seafood. I'll have to write about my reasons at another time - if I fucking feel like it. Our friends were such wonderful hosts that they made the most delicious Sunday dinner consisting of vegetables from their garden. I was in LOVE. Because of this amazing meal, and the connectedness that I felt with not only them, but their children, Gene and I have decided to try our own gardening again next year (this summer got away from us with all of our film projects), and in preps for that, we bought a compost bin today. In our usual fashion, we didn't do any research, bought the bin, made a vegetarian meal for dinner, and dumped all the extras into the bin. It was THEN that we decided to do our research...

It's not as easy as one might think, to compost. We have to make a layer of "brown" before we can even put our zucchini butts into the mix. So, Gene dug out our "greens" and now we're on a mission to collect all the newspaper that we can find. Which isn't much, because we don't read the paper. However, I have an entire file cabinet of old bills that's just waiting to be devoured. Tomorrow starts our attempts at making a compost pile. Until then, I'm enjoying finding all the things that can go into a compost pile - like cat hair. I think a few kitties are in need of being brushed... here kitty, kitty, kitty.

And, that was my day. Composting. Mundane. Boring. Don't you wish I'd stayed silent?

A Summer of Events

2011-08-16T22:34:00.000-06:00

I feel like I may be coming down with something. Fer Realz. I called in sick yesterday because I'm starting a new job next Monday and need to use up all my sick time before I leave. I didn't feel sick yesterday. Tonight, I do. I believe that when you get sick it's your body telling you to take a break, slow down, and heal. I don't have time for that. I am also out of real sick days.

This summer has been chock full of events that it's no wonder my body is ready to slow down. Since my last post regarding i48, which happened at the beginning of June, I haven't had a weekend off. In a good way. :) I've been camping twice this summer, which is more than I can say for last summer, and I'm really hoping to head to Glacier National Park for Labor Day weekend. It all depends on the new job and whether they'll allow me to take extra days off that quickly after starting (this change was a bit unexpected). I've been to concerts, gone dancing at my favorite club, and watched a lot of dance performances. I've also danced in a lot of dance performances and it's been good.

My dance group, Renegade Dance, has seen the stage twice this summer. Once at Goddessfest, which is a local Pagan festival, the same one that Gene and I used to sell our wares at when we had a business, and the second time was this past Saturday at a fundraiser called In Plane Sight for Commit65. Commit65 is a social movement to empower people to speak out against child sexual abuse. It is an incredible cause and we were so privileged to get the chance to dance for this fundraiser. After we performed, we spent the rest of the night dancing in the street in downtown Boise. It was definitely one of the better experiences I've had. I also participated in a dance competition with a group called JUXTApoise. Needless to say, I've done a lot of dancing, and am working with my Renegade sisters on another piece for a performance in September.

Last weekend, Gene and I spent three days at a fan-convention called Fandemonium . We were invited to show our Dungeons and Dragons Parody. We brought our cast and held a Q&A after the showing. It was such a fun weekend! I loved watching all of the various characters in costume walk around and enjoy themselves. The energy was fun and freeing. We're already in the process of creating another fan video just so we can be invited back. It was that FANtastic.

We also did something really small, no big deal, just started another business. You know, because we've got nothing else on our plates along with full time jobs. Assembled in Boise is our friend's brain-child, he was awesome enough to invite us to join him and that's how the story goes! We bring IKEA(r) to Boise. The guys head out for their first "IKEA run" on August 27th, while I stay at home and communicate with our customers. I have high hopes for this one and am enjoying being "self-employed" once again. Although, I still need a full time job... at this point...

With our weekends being completely tied up, we haven't had much time to create any new films or videos. However, we are in pre-production for our second drama. (The first one was made a couple years ago.) This is a real test of my ability to actually WRITE a drama and a test to us as a production company to actually PRODUCE one. We're kind of funny people, so this is going to be a challenge that I'm already enjoying. In preps for this, we created a reel to showcase some of our talents as Two Cats Fighting Productions (click the link for our newly improved website).

I would also really like to get back into blogging more. That seems to be my never-ending story since the beginning of this year, but I'm serious this time. One of the things I'm going to miss the most from my current job is that I get to write a blog for work. It has helped me improve tremendously on my writing and reporting skills. Although, please don't judge me by this particular post, or anything I've previously written here. I usually write late at night, after working all day, and am so dead tired that I've got nothing witty or clever to say. Thank goodness for spell and grammar check. But writing for work has inspired me to add some different blog posts here. We'll see how well I keep that up, right? Until the next time: Keep on keepin' on.

And a few videos to add, in case you're bored. ;)

Our Production Reel

Our Tiger & Rose experience at Fandemonium

i48 Final - Thunder Rack

2011-07-07T22:08:00.000-06:00

Okay, okay, I know I'm way late on the draw here. I could have been shot dead numerous times with how long it took me to draw my gun and shoot out a blog post. I'd just like to take a few minutes to write about the actual weekend of our film festival - the premier on the big screen part - and share a link to our film. Although the two people that read this (me & me - although Gene promises that he reads it when I post... I don't believe him) have already seen it.

On Saturday afternoon, the big day of our first official screening of Thunder Rack, we all met at my place a few hours early to make The Fighting Cocks t-shirts and drink beer to calm our nerves. Everyone arrived and I started printing our iron-ons to attach to everyone's shirts. I didn't pay attention, had just enough iron-ons for every single person, started printing and we were on our way. Until I realized I hadn't chosen the mirror-setting, and at that point recognized that we were fucked. We still had about an hour before we were going to leave the house to walk to the theatre, which is almost a mile away. We WANTED these t-shirts! So I hopped on my bike and rode as fast as I could to the nearest office supply store, which was downtown, about a mile away, at the transfer-point between the bikers and runners for the Boise Ironman competition.

All the streets were closed from here to downtown Boise and as soon as I crested the Capitol Street Bridge, I knew I was even more fucked than when I printed our iron-ons backwards. There were so many people lining the streets to watch, so many bikers biking their hearts out to hit the transfer-point, and so many fucking people blocking the fucking streets!!!! I jumped off my bike, walked it two blocks, said "excuse me" to way too many people, and arrived at the office supply store just in the nick-of-time. Bought some new iron-ons (those fuckers are expensive), grabbed my bike, walked two blocks, hopped back on, and rode like I was one of the Ironman competitors to get home, spend 15 minutes ironing some damn shirts, and walk out the door, only to head BACK TOWARD the Ironman competition to The Flicks theatre to watch our film premier.

There have been so many instances where something amazing happens in my life (like a film premier) where something has gone terribly wrong. But it just adds to the intensity of the day.

We met a friend of ours there, who had joined us for support, and we settled in to watch 11 short films for the 2011 i48 film competition. I was pleasantly surprised at the talent that showed up. At the end of our showing, the director/producer of i48, stood up to make the nominee announcements. And that's when we started screaming. (My heart is pounding, just as it did that night, thinking about that moment.) We were nominated for an award and our film would be showing the next night at The Egyptian Theatre, in front of a large audience.

We left the theatre in a daze, so thrilled and proud of ourselves that I think we lit up the Boise skyline with our smiles. After regrouping at our house, we headed out for dinner, drinks, and a night of dancing on the town. We had something to celebrate.

Sunday came and it was another day of watching more films, some of which we had seen the night before in our group of 11 films, and some we hadn't had a chance to watch. All films shown on Sunday at The Egyptian were nominated for one of the various awards - best actor, best actress, best use of prop, best use of dialogue, best music, best picture, etc. We watched all of the films and were blown away by some of the talent that is hidden in this town. After all the films were shown, the awards were given and we were honored with Best Use of Prop. Our director headed up to the stage to accept our award for us and we quietly sat in our seats, after cheering of course, looking at each other with such pride.We made this film together, we couldn't have done it without the other people who were involved.

After the awards were given and fists were bumped, we slowly walked back to our home-base and proceeded to party well into the night, despite the fact that a few of us had to work at 8 the next morning, and relived our weekend of i48 filmmaking. It was a good experience, indeed.

i48 Saturday-Sunday: Post-Production

2011-06-13T21:39:00.000-06:00

Fast forward through editing a lot of footage, three hours of sleep, and more editing and our film was completed by 3pm on Sunday. We knew our export of the finished product would take a while, but we weren't expecting that it would take a couple of hours. The film finished it's export by about 4:45, which gave us all time to view it a couple of times before rushing it to the theatre for our 6pm deadline. I'm sure funny shit happened between Saturday afternoon and Sunday night, but that was a week ago, and I really can't remember shit. Plus, more exciting shit has happened since then so... yeah. Whatevs.

We proceeded as a group to The Flicks theatre which is where our film drop off was. It's only about a mile from our house, but we didn't want to waste any time, so we hopped in two cars and rushed over there. There were quite a few people mingling around an hour before the deadline, but we seemed to be the only group who arrived en masse. It was awesome and, as the producer, I required it of our team so that they could all get the full effect of this experience.

Then we went back to our place and drank till the night turned dark and the creatures started to appear.

I'd like to thank our cast and crew for an incredible experience. Truly one of the best weekends I've ever had in my life. I knew I wanted to make movies, but this just reminded me that it is definitely what I was meant to do with my life. I'll write about the actual film festival experience in the next couple of days. Until then, I've got more films to plan and a dance to choreograph for my dance group. It's busy up in here!

i48 Saturday: Production part 2

2011-06-09T22:03:00.000-06:00

Not a single one of us (except for our DP & PA) has ever played Airsoft. To the best of my knowledge, only three of our group of nine has ever handled a gun. Unless you count our foray into weaponry in our D&D Parody video.Swords and guns are definitely different.

We hiked down to our area of play - some of us falling down a hill with expensive equipment - and formed our quick plan of action. We only had TWO hours to shoot. Mike and I took Gene and Truman to shoot Truman's big monologue, while JC and Decoy (our Production Assistant) took the girls to shoot some badass-chicks-with-guns scenes. It was so fantastic to have two film crews on the premises! We accomplished so much more that way than I ever could have imagined. Within about 5 minutes of being on location we realized that we were all being attacked by mosquitoes. Luckily, one of our actresses, had some travel bug spray with her. We had to take a break to combat those little beasties. It was awful, we're all still complaining about the bites. One of our actresses counted 17 on her body - mine were all on my back, so I have no idea what the count was. But if you want to experience annoying pain, try holding a camera for minutes upon minutes while a shit-ton of mosquitoes bite through your shirt. Since we didn't have *much* bug spray, I wanted to make sure that all our actors were covered - they were the most important people since they had to be on camera.

After two hours of play, because honestly while we may have been making a movie, we were having the time of our lives - running around with guns and cameras, shouting, having fun, pretending we were in the middle of a battlefield, running some more - it was time to call it a WRAP. It was seriously, one of the best weekends of my entire life. I can't even describe it, but it definitely felt as though THAT is what I'm supposed to do with my life.

At 4:30pm, we headed back to homebase. It was time to start editing...

So, I found out today that Mike and JC contracted poison ivy while on our shoot. They both just happened to go to the doctors this morning. Then I remembered that embarrassing looking spot on Gene's ass - he got it too. I don't know what these three guys were doing together, out in the woods... alone... but they all got it. Us girls and Truman seem to be fine.

i48 Saturday: Production part 1

2011-06-08T21:47:00.000-06:00

As I write this, Gene is putting together our outtakes / extended / deleted scenes reel for our cast and crew. Hopefully we'll have it done by our screening on Saturday.

Saturday morning came bright and early with a call time for our male leads at 8am. Gene and I were up around 6 to eat breakfast, drink two cups of coffee, and fix our hair. When Truman (one of our male actors) and Mike showed up, we went over the script - remember none of the actors has seen it yet - and made some quick changes after "sleeping" on it for a night. By 9, we were out the door and heading to our first shoot location of the day... Combatsportsupply.com Justin, the owner, was very accommodating and we quickly found out that he's always wanted to participate in i48. We're holding a spot for you next year, Justin!

We were off again by 10 to find a park, shoot a scene that couldn't happen because that park didn't have swings - but we changed our scene - and we were heading back to homebase (my place) by 10:30. We got there, shot three REALLY FAST scenes before our actresses started arriving for their 11:30 call. Then we split. Mike took the boys for some outdoor shots, while I took the girls for some greenscreen work. As each one was getting their shots in, the others were going over their scripts. I think they said that they didn't even have time to read the whole thing - just their parts. We were in rush mode! At 12:30, we headed out to grab lunch (to eat on the road) and head to our main shooting location by 1pm.

On our way there, we realized that we actually didn't know where we were going - our DP had set it all up. He's out there about once a week shooting for his own Youtube show, Airsoft Riot I called him from the car and he told us to meet him in the Albertson's parking lot. (He couldn't join us in the morning due to prior obligations.) We arrived in the parking lot around 1pm... got a phone call that he was running late... started our blocking to make sure we were ready... got hot... went pee... put on sunscreen... decided to get back in the cars to wait... got a phone call...

JC: "Where are you?"
Me: "In the Albertson's Parking lot, do you see me waving?"
JC: "Uh. I'm at the location."
Me: "We don't know where that is."
JC: "Oh no! I totally forgot we were supposed to meet in the parking lot!"

We started our cars and he talked me through the directions while we drove out of the parking lot. It wasn't really funny at the time, but I'm laughing my ass off as I write this. I imagine many people functioning on very little sleep ran into the same sorts of issues.

We made it to our location, suited up for the big shoot, and headed down to the field...

i48 Friday Night: Production

2011-06-07T22:36:00.000-06:00

We arrived at Montego Bay, the bar that allowed us to shoot on their patio, at 10pm ready to rock-and-roll. Each and every one of us has worked together before in some capacity, just not on the same set. We meshed together so fucking quickly though, that you'd think we'd all done this as a team before. We allowed each other their own ideas - we listened respectfully and added our own thoughts when we felt the need to. I don't want to say that it was perfect, because that would fuck me for the rest of my film career, but it came pretty damn close. Maybe we were all just on our best behavior, however, you'd think the stress levels were sky-high considering we had to finish this thing in 48 hours. But we were all VERY relaxed. It was probably the beer...

The actors settled into their roles very quickly, while Mike, JC (our DP), and myself settled into our production roles. We all fit, like little pieces of a puzzle. If I remember correctly, we shot for about an hour - not bad for our first time out! - then left the premises to head back to the writers room. My friend, who works at the bar, was so hospitable. He gave me a $20 card for drinks, which I handed off to our actors, the rest of us had to continue working.

We arrived back at our place, opened our own beer *wink* and got to work. Gene worked on transferring the footage from both cameras (oh yeah, we were so professional that we had TWO cameras), while Mike and I continued writing. I think we turned out a pretty decent script. Our biggest difficulty was staying in the PG-rated guidelines. I mean, HELLO?, not a single one of us (I'm talking the entire cast and crew) could keep our minds out of the gutter long enough to not tread into rated R territory. But we pulled through and kept our script clean. Well, as clean as could be, we'll let you be the judge of that when it's released on Saturday.

We finished our writing, watched our dailies, and I think we called it a night around 3am. Call was 8am for our two male actors and Mike and I. We had a long Saturday ahead of us...

i48 Friday Night: Pre-production

2011-06-05T23:17:00.000-06:00

It's 11pm, and I should have been in bed hours ago. The last of our hardcore group have left for the weekend and the kitties finally have their house back. You'd think they'd be pissed that it has been taken over by strangers and friends for an entire weekend, but they're just loving the fact that they get to sit next to me instead of being worried that someone might try to chase them. We have just completed our first 48-hour film competition. I am exhausted, elated, and somewhat drunk. It's been a good weekend.

It started on Friday. Gene, myself, and our director, Mike, headed to the park at 5pm to pick up our team packets. The 48-hour film competition takes place over a 48-hour time period, in which teams of filmmakers get together to produce a film. You have to write, produce, and edit a film in a single weekend, with no pre-planning. When we met at the park, we received the genre of our film, a prop, a character, and a line of dialog that has to be included in our film project to prove that we made the film over the weekend. At 6pm, we were allowed to open our team packet and discover the type of film that we had to produce. We had most of our team in attendance for this life-changing moment. While only one person from each team was required to attend the pre-meeting, we had our director, two actresses, director of photography, and production assistant with Gene (editor) and I (producer). Our hearts were pounding as I opened the envelope to reveal what our fate might be.

We received a genre that not a single one of us had any real interest in - sports. I read the genre aloud and we all just kind of looked at each other as though we were all ready to throw in the towel and start drinking the massive amounts of beer that we had stocked our fridge with - we go hardcore, none of that pussy shit, like coffee, to stay awake. We each got in our respective cars, Gene and I in Mike's convertible - we only travel in style - and headed to our house to start the brainstorming and writing.

After we had gotten the ideas down on paper, the writing team, myself and Mike, headed to the writing room (what Gene and I have dubbed our movie room, complete with greenscreen), while everyone else was given the task of finding a bar to shoot in either that Friday night, or the following Saturday night. Only a few lines in, I got a phone call from my fantastic friend, who played the Warrior in our D&D Parody video, saying that we were allowed to shoot in the bar that he was working in that night. So, Mike and I finished our bar scene, ate a couple slices of pizza, directed our talent to get into costume and makeup, and rushed to the bar by 10pm. We were about to shoot our first scene...

(I've just realized that I am exhausted and need to get some adequate sleep if I want to function at work tomorrow. So, I'll be back to write more about our experiences. I apologize if none of this makes sense, I've gotten about 8 hours of sleep in total over the last 48 hours and I'm not quite sure how many beers I've had to drink since we turned in our finished product at 6pm tonight.)

Bowling

2011-05-25T22:15:00.000-06:00

I went bowling this afternoon with my coworkers as part of a coworker bonding/mandatory fun thingy. It was weird. I guess you could say we bonded. We at least high-fived each other when we got a spare.

As with all bowling outings, the first thing I had to do was get shoes. I HATE wearing shoes that other people's feet have been in. I honestly wouldn't have gone based on that fact alone, had it not been for the free beer. I walked up to the counter and the lady asked me what shoe size I needed and alerted me that the shoes ran big. I don't know what size I wear because every single pair of shoes that I own is a different size. Just like my jeans, not a single pair of jeans is the same damn fucking size. Leave it to the clothing and shoe makers to fuck with you just because they can. I lifted my foot, did that awkward look-at-the-bottom-dance, and quickly exclaimed that I needed a size five. At that moment, a mutter went through the crowd of coworkers that I wear an incredibly tiny shoe. I jokingly said that I can even shop in the kids section if I wanted to. Which is true, and not really funny for the girl who actually has to buy kids shoes sometimes. At 31-years-old, it's rather embarrassing.

So, as everyone around me "gossiped" about my abnormally tiny feet, I put the shoes on and realized that they were way too small for me. My toes curled and my arches arched higher. I couldn't return the shoes though! People had made too big of a deal about the size-fives! I looked around for a quick way to return the shoes for something larger, but there was no way out - we were the only group that was drinking and bowling at three in the afternoon. I thought to myself, "maybe if I just walk around a little it'll get better - you know, wear the shoes in." NOPE! Didn't work, but I'd made my mind up, I was NOT going to return the shoes. Everyone made a big deal about it, so I would bowl in silence and drink beer through my suffering.

I actually bowled a good game. I never broke 100 points in both rounds that we played, but I only got two gutter balls the entire time and scored a fair amount of strikes and spares. I knew that junior high P.E. class about bowling would pay off someday. In the midst of all the fun, however, while my boss was calling me "tiny dancer," based on my shoe size and the shocking realization that this girl is actually good at something that is "sports-related," I totally hurt my knee. I've had knee problems since 2004, when I fell hard on the floor in a restaurant while waiting tables. My fucking knee has never been the same and I've been working hard through the pain - all through dance classes and working out at the gym every week - and I've finally gotten to a point where my knee doesn't hurt when I run and dance, and I don't need a knee brace. But wearing those shoes that were too small for me today reintroduced that fucking pain in my knee and from that moment forward, my game slipped and I drank more beer to combat the pain.

I have no fucking clue what the final score was. All I know is that my feet are happy to be out of those shoes and my knee wants to kill me for damaging it yet again. At least everyone at work still thinks I wear a size five shoe, and I will forever be called "tiny dancer." All in the name of coworker bonding.

Doing Dishes

2011-05-17T21:59:00.001-06:00

I always seem to catch my second blast of creativity around 9pm. After the gym, after dinner, after I've had a few minutes to catch up on my personal emails and social shit, I can usually count on myself to want to start writing, start a new project, or choreograph a new dance. Yup. 9pm. And it is exactly at that point that I need to start thinking about doing the dishes, taking a shower, and hoping I give myself some time to unwind and read a short chapter in a book.

I know that time is all relative. What I spend my time doing seems important to me at the time, then when I'm laying in bed and wishing I'd spent my time otherwise I wonder if I'm regretting what I did with my day, or just trying to make plans to do it better the next day. I do my best to not regret a single moment in my life - that's particularly hard when you're not doing something you WANT to do for eight hours of that day. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my job now, it's got a lot of fun components and I have learned more in the last month in this job than I did when I flipped burgers at the zoo for an entire summer. In fact, I'm taking some massive social marketing classes by big names in the business and learning how to improve not only my company in social media, but MY LIFE in social media. I've got a list of ideas that I can't wait to get started in my own life. At the end of these classes, which will sadly be over on May 26th, I'll receive a certificate (after I take a quiz) to prove that I am a social marketing genius. Then it's just convincing my company that this is the new viable way to market.Oh the massive Catch 22 in this situation is killing me!

I was not only inspired by today's classes, but also by a short chapter in a book I'm reading during lunch: The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. In it, Sogyal Rinpoche writes about living corpses. How we all live according to some plan - go to school, graduate, get married, have kids, have a career, spend money, go on vacation and finally retire. It sounds boring when you put it like that. I don't want to be a living corpse, and while much of my life doesn't follow that plan (especially the kid part) a lot of the rest of my life does. I DO want to have a career, I'm just not currently working in my field (in fact I'm so far from it, it's not even funny), I save money to go on vacation, and I did get married, much to my chagrin. I am constantly reevaluating my life and wondering if I'm doing the right things to point me in the direction of my dreams. Sometimes I'd rather life just take over and I'll float on the water instead of swimming against it, but then when that happens I just find myself stuck at the kitchen sink again, washing dishes and listening to music. I can't put a stop to it - I can only let the dishes go for so long - but I can make sure that I'm living my life to the best of my abilities. So, when that creativity slams into me at 9pm, I'll utilize it to do something (tonight was writing a blog post), and then I'll get back to the rest of that mundane bullshit.

I wonder what type of music will come up while I'm doing the dishes tonight. Maybe I'll be inspired.

Internet Dating (and stuff)

2011-05-16T21:51:00.001-06:00

I have found myself involved in some very weird and possibly awkward situations as of late. I'm not particularly fond of drama, but somehow I seem to attract it to me. And it never really involves me, I just get pulled into it inadvertently. Okay, maybe I do put myself in some of those drama-creating situations, but I try my best not to. I have enough drama in my head, I don't need it spilling outside of that. Without going into any great detail, because some of the drama involves my job and the possible loss of that job and writing about it will only make it worse if my job ever decides to try to find me here too, but it involves a film project with surprisingly no nudity. You'd think THOSE would draw the attention of the man, not some silly little shit where I don't even show my tits or ass. Stupid.

A couple weeks ago, I went to my first tweetup/meetup. It was... interesting. I drank waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too much and met a lot of people who's names I only remember now because I'm following them on twitter. I can hold my liquor like a champ and even my closest friends can't tell when I'm so lit up I could set a match on fire with my hair, but it still doesn't excuse the fact that I drank too much and definitely felt it the next day. Being at this meetup reminded me of online dating. I did that when I was just out of high school, I had just moved to small-town Colorado, from large-town Washington, and I really wanted to make some friends. So I hopped on AOL, listed my location and sex, and just watched as the chats started coming in. Eventually I gave out my phone number, which most guys calling me had to wait through the busy-signal before someone would get off the fucking internet long enough to answer the phone, then tie that up all night. NEVER in a million years would I have ever pegged myself for that girl, but I was, and I LOVED it.

I met so many people back in 1998-1999, made out with several of them, and then never spoke to them again. Or we went on a couple of dates and I realized that meeting people on the internet was just too weird. And here I am again, over 10 years later, meeting people that I've met online and enjoying myself. I have no idea how many of the people there were married, dating, engaged, or in some sort of relationship, but even before I had my 2nd beer, I recognized that it was the same today as it was when I was 18, except that I wasn't looking for a relationship, and now I'm legally allowed to drink.

i48 Prep

2011-05-10T22:07:00.000-06:00

For years friends have told me that I need to participate in the 48 hour film festival. Well, guess what?! This year, I'm making it a point to participate! And we're heading into it with a nice group of a solid five. We got together tonight after work at Chili's for their fabulous $2 happy hour and jotted down some ideas (mostly pornos) and got a list together of all the things that we have access to and could utilize on a moment's notice. It has been determined that I will most likely work entirely behind the camera for this project so on goes the Producer and Cinematographer cap, and anything else that might need to be done. Lighting? Okay.

I'm very excited to work on our i48 film and I just adore our group that we've gathered. I trust every single person that we're working with to do the best that they can and I can tell that with the ideas we brought to the table tonight, we're all going to do just fine. As long as no one wants to rip the heads off any chickens by the end of it, I think we're going to find that we work well as a team. I cannot wait to see the finished product. The beauty about the people I'm working with is that they're all willing to do whatever it takes to make a kickass film. We have set our goals in mind as to what we want to get out of i48 and we're ready to make a move on it.

Gene and I have decided that we're going to take a step back from our Tiger & Rose project and focus more on "real" films and getting more involved in the local film scene. We've tried to keep our distance from the locals, but I've come to realize (through my job incidentally) that at this moment in time, it's very important to make connections on a local level. Our attempt at finding an audience on Youtube have been tremendously foiled by the sheer fact that we are OLD and no one wants to watch 30-somethings try to do something trendy. It's just not working for us and we realize that our art really does lie in our short films rather than little skits that we're producing for our show on Youtube. Our pride and joy to this day is The Best Fisherman in the World, because it was a real movie. And we believe that we need to get back to those types of projects. We've gotten a real wake-up call with a recently released parody video, which basically copied our plot from our D&D I Gotta Feeling Parody , which is bullshit, and I've gotten some legal and risky shit presented to me that I need to mull over and make a major decision on with a project I've been involved in that is soon to be released. This town is too fucking small to really do what you were meant to do, however this is the same town that I'm looking to try to work with other people in and see what we can develop.

Who the hell knows what needs to happen. All I know is that I want to make films and fuck everything else. Speaking of fucking, have you seen our recent Tiger & Rose parody video? It's sexy!

Water and Change

2011-04-30T22:55:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine from high school passed away from cancer two Sundays ago. I can't believe it's already been two weeks. Time really starts to fly the older you get and the more fragile you realize life is. Every single minute that passes is a minute that you'll never get back. And at the end of the day, I lie in bed wondering if I spent all of those minutes doing something worthwhile, doing something for me, doing something. I'd like to think that I do. I'd like to think that I'm working toward a brighter future, and I do my best to enjoy as many moments as I can. I've been struggling with my outlook on life since I turned 31... that was one month ago. I'm not where I thought I'd be at this age, but it would seem that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Life is funny, it has it's ups and downs and the way that we deal with various situations is telling to the type of person that we are deep down inside. My friend passed away in Seattle, I'm only an eight hour drive away, it took me two days to make the decision to not attend his wake and memorial. I wanted to go, I even had a coworker offer to let me use her miles and fly for half price (getting out of Boise is a fucking expensive nightmare), but I chose to honor my friend in my own way. The way I deal with death is different than the way that others do, and I felt that spending my time in my own personal closure was best suited for this situation. I'm not saying it's better, I'm not saying it's worse, it's just the way that I deal with it. I said my goodbyes and when Samhain comes around this year (Oct. 31st) I'll say my goodbyes again. I've had very vivid dreams of this friend before he passed - we met each other at a beach and made plans to watch the sunset together, but I woke up before we walked over the hillside - I haven't had any dreams since his passing.

He lived a good life, full of love, people, adventure, and goofiness. Any age is too early to go, but go we all must in order to take that next step in our soul's journey. A friend of mine is letting me borrow the "Tibetan Book of Living and Dying," by Sogyal Rinpoche, and so far I'm loving what it says. One sentence in particular, only 10 pages in, struck a chord with me: What more chilling commentary on the modern world could there be than that most people die unprepared for death, as they have lived, unprepared for life? I couldn't think of a better way to go through life than prepared for it. Live in the now, appreciate all that you have, and ENJOY the moments that slip by and can never return because time only moves forward.

Lately, I've been thinking about one of three almost-drowning incidents that happened when I was a kid. Without boring anyone with all the details, I'll mention how terrified I was that I thought I might die drowning, yet at the same time all I could think was: I better get out of this situation before it's too late! THREE times I almost drowned in different bodies of water, and three times I made it out okay. The emotions, instinct, and adrenaline are still so present in my body over 15 years later and I can still feel the water tugging at me to come play. I think the biggest thing I learned from those situations was don't wear shoes while swimming - they kinda get in the way. Time in those moments seemed to drag on forever and I guess the fact that I still remember everything that happened proves that I definitely lived in the moment. At that second, I was prepared for life. I must remind myself to feel that way - prepared and without shoes.

Palm Sunday

2011-04-17T10:54:00.001-06:00

I was raised Evangelical Christian for 18 years. I stopped following that path over 13 years ago. It wasn't for me and the ideals and tenets didn't jive with my being. I don't think I ever was Christian, it's just how I was raised. I always knew there was something else out there, something more for me, and I've found that something, but that's not what I'm going to talk about.

Although I am no longer a practicing Christian, I remember the holidays fondly. Palm Sunday was always my favorite. One would think that for someone who was never really a Christian anyway, that Christmas would be my favorite holiday. The day where we got presents just because that's what you do on Christmas, but I hate giving gifts and I don't really like receiving gifts either. If I want something, I'll buy it myself, and don't expect me to give you anything unless I get a whim up my ass and think you're deserving of something cool like chapstick.

I lived in Hawai'i for the first nine years of my life. The way I talk about it, you'd think I was there all through high school, but that's because I have an affinity to the area and spirituality (ahhh.... there's a peek into my spiritual leanings). Every Palm Sunday, our church would rent a donkey and have the oldest boy ride the donkey down the main street. There was only one street. The rest of us kids would wave palm branches, which we had a plethora of, as we proceeded down the street demonstrating what Palm Sunday was all about: The Return of the King! HA! I just spent three weeks watching LOTR in half hour increments every night. It was fun! I remember it being hot, yet cool, and we all wore sandals and robes so that we looked as though we stepped right out of a bible story. Maybe I liked this day because it represented to me a story and the retelling of that story through acting. I had always hoped that I could be the boy riding the donkey, but I never lived there long enough to find out if they'd even allow it, especially considering the fact that I.am.a.girl. Indeed.

So, although I don't celebrate any Christian holidays, not even Christmas (DUH!), I always acknowledge Palm Sunday.

I don't understand how so many Christian holidays have seeped into our secular culture. At work, I'm required to provide Easter gifts to the needy children in our area. First of all, when I donate anything, it's to the animals, not kids. Secondly, I don't celebrate the fucking holiday, so I don't believe that I should have to participate. But I did, I spent $5 on random crap. I refuse to buy candy because that can rot your teeth and since these kids are needy, the last thing I want to do is contribute to their health issues. I didn't know what I had picked up, but when I turned my items in everyone got excited because apparently I chose a few things that are from some new movie. I also don't watch kids movies. So, score one for the anti-Easter and anti-kids girl!

Recently, I was asked to participate in a flash mob of sorts. You can't really call a crew of five people a flash mob, but that's the easiest explanation I can give without saying any more. The instigator of this little troupe wants to infiltrate a Christian Easter service. While I would be a bystander with a camera (oooh! I had no idea this was going to happen, let me just whip out my camera and video tape the entire thing!) I can't in good conscience participate. While I don't celebrate Easter, and I don't agree with a lot of what goes on in the Christian church, this is still something very sacred to a lot of people. In my own beliefs I do not feel that causing strife to anyone is worthy of the repercussions. Whether those repercussions might be arrest and jail time, or simply my own conscience eating at my soul. People believe what they want to believe and I don't believe that disrupting that is my duty in life. Live and let live. So, today I remember Palm Sunday, as I finish editing our very naughty upcoming Tiger & Rose episode, which involves sex, sex, and more sexy sex.

Learning to be a Jedi

2011-04-06T22:22:00.001-06:00

I hung a Star Wars poster in my office because I can. It has become a great conversation piece. Especially since I'm not really as big a geek as I pretend to be. This morning someone asked me which episode was my favorite. I wasn't sure, I just knew it was the one with the trash compactor. Don't get me wrong, I like Star Wars, I'm just not a massive fan. If I could have an E.T. poster, or better yet a Goonies poster, I'd be a VERY happy lady. Now try to ask me questions about those films and I'll give you all sorts of answers. Right now, I'm just fooling my way through conversation. At least I know one thing for sure, I am not a fan of Episodes 1, 2, & 3. Blech, blech, and double blech.

I do have a knack for maneuvering a conversation in a better direction for myself, as I proved this afternoon with transitioning into talking about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Indiana Jones would NOT get married, end of story, that man was a fucking playa'. And I carried that conversation till my coworker walked out of my office in disgust at the fact I would even talk about that blasphemous movie. Hanging this poster in my office is really an act of futility. I've got no real reason to have it there except to keep my office looking more "artistic" instead of sporty - as the previous owner had done. Plus, I do genuinely appreciate the people who stop by to talk about Star Wars. That's not all that's discussed in that office, but you can tell the ones who are testing the water with me, and those who already know I'm just a geek deep down inside and we don't even have to talk about it. We talk about other things like filmmaking and computers... and beer.

How one sets up their space is really a telling sign into the little intricacies that make a person tick. Most of the male forms in our building have calendars and posters of cheerleaders from various sports teams. Most of the female forms have pictures of their families. I prefer the Star Wars poster, a hockey player bobble-head, and the letters F.U.C.K. placed strategically around my office.

May the Force Be With You, Young Padawan.

Accomplishing Shit Slowly

2011-04-04T22:12:00.001-06:00

There are just way too many things in this world that I want to do. It makes me thankful that I believe in reincarnation, therefore, I CAN do everything I want to do, but this person who's here in the flesh right now, may never get to. And who knows, maybe my goals and desires will change when I come back as a frog. I would imagine that life's necessities would be much different.

Every day that goes by, I hope that I've accomplished something with my life. There have been months on end when I don't feel as though I have - sitting, waiting, wondering when something will happen. But I realize that I make things happen, maybe it's just not going as quickly as I'd hoped. If I could spend all day writing, making films, recording music, etc., etc., I'd have a whole list of things I've accomplished. But maybe life isn't supposed to be like that. Maybe we're supposed to take time doing other "mundane" things in the meantime. I must say, if it weren't for all those mundane things, I wouldn't have accomplished all that I have so far. Everything takes us somewhere, it's up to us to see where it takes us and recognize how it's helped us.

I felt good at work today. I'm finally in a position where I feel that what I do matters. My work can be seen on websites and on facebook. I won't link directly to them here, as I'd rather none of the big-wigs find me if I can help it. I'm not really the most conservative person when it comes to voicing my feelings and I do enjoy a good fuck sometimes. I've got a friend at work who's doing even more "risque" things than I am and he's had to drop all contact with friends online. He also has a much higher profile than I do in the company, so I guess there's that too. If any of the owners found out about him, I think they'd try to hang him by the balls. There's a chance that my face will become more known around town in regards to our company too as I will be setting up "meet-ups" between myself (the company) and the people of Boise. There's an exciting future for me in this company, I just hope I can keep from getting too drunk off the free drinks. And I'm looking forward to how it will shape my future in film.

Our current "big" project is still in the works. We finally had a nice spring day and went out for some outdoor shots on Sunday. The wind kept my dress from covering my panties, but aside from that, it went very well. This week, after work, we're hoping to get some of our greenscreen work done. We had hopes of this project already being released, but things of one sort or another (like turning 31, and getting a new job) have held us up. Funny how those life changes can effect every fucking aspect of your life! Well, a smaller project that we're hoping to release either late tonight, or tomorrow before work, is now in the rendering process, so I should probably wash this sweat off my body (from my massive workout tonight, of course) and get ready for bed. Tomorrow comes quickly and I've already got lots to do. Like hang the Star Wars poster in my office to make me look like an even bigger geek. Use the Force, I will.

Another Year Bites the Dust

2011-03-29T21:20:00.000-06:00

It came and went like a quiet wind that ruffled a few feathers, beat a few hearts, and carried a few dreams. I turned 31 on Sunday, and I must say that this birthday has brought on so many changes that my mind is spinning and my dreams are wild. On Monday, I started a new position at work. I'm in charge of three websites, three facebook pages, three twitter accounts, and will soon get to start creating videos from start to finish for the company that I work for. I have my own office with a door that I keep locked, the only super computer in the building, a MAC with great editing software, and a video camera that I can't wait to get my hands on. First things first, however, I need to unpack my office! I've been stuck in meetings for two days and have hardly had time to rifle through the papers that the old tenant left behind. I think he took his trash can with him when he left, and that was about it. Everything else is mine to throw away. Fun.

People keep talking to me as though I'm the "new Nick" (that's the name of the guy who had my office before me). But I'm not the "new Nick." I'm ME. I'm in a position that was created just for ME. I don't want his mail, I don't want his calls, I don't want his files, I don't want his junk. I want to start clean. So, as soon as I have time to just be in my office, I will be cleaning, and painting a mural, and ordering beanbag chairs. Because baby, this office is for CREATING! As an aside, I truly believe that if it weren't for Nick, I would not be in the position that I'm in today - he lit a few fires under some asses and talked me up as if I'm the next best thing to hit Boise. Guess showing him some "photos" really helped.

It has been such a headache to get here, though. About three weeks ago, I found out that I would no longer be doing what I've been doing for a year. But where would I go? I had no idea. Last Wednesday, when everyone else was packing up their offices to move down the hallway (it was a big move of about 20 people - I'm only one who received an entirely new job), I was in a meeting with my two new bosses, learning of what they had in store for me. So far, I like it. Meetings are interesting and full of mostly bullshitting and that's cool with me. I get to hang with the big dawgs and make the guy who I've dubbed "My Dwight" jealous that he's not invited. The dynamics of working in an office have not gone unnoticed and I now I realize how accurate shows like "The Office," and movies like "Office Space" really are.

On the other side of my life, the one that I don't spend 40-hours-a-week doing, things are in the process of change as well. We're working on our next project (we're always working on the next project) which will involve more special effects, more singing, and more weirdness. It's only a two-person project, and it's taking f.o.r.e.v.e.r to get through! We enjoyed working with a big cast and a small crew, but we also had a difficult time wrangling all those people together for only two days. We need to keep those bigger projects interspersed with smaller projects, or my brain might explode from trying to get everyone in the same place at the same time, for the same amount of time, and feed them all, and make sure that their thirst is adequately quenched. So, small-er project now, followed by something else... probably small as well. We'll see.

I'm also involved in a movie shoot in California. We had our first read-through last weekend via skype and I'm ready for more as I'm developing my character to be everything that my director wants her to be. I LOVE acting. I've worked with this director before, and I know that we can pull off this relationship with ease and professionalism. Probably better than before, as we've both grown considerably as filmmakers and people since the first time that we worked together.

And still in the acting scene, the weekend before that, I did a shoot with a growing Youtube star. And have plans to work with another group who's getting bigger by the day on Youtube as well. Funny how life opens up all of a sudden after working so hard for so long. But before I get carried away with all of these things, I must remember that this Idaho girl is still small potatoes in the grand scheme of movie making. And I am humbled by the fact that these people want to work with me and I enjoy being in different projects to learn all that I can from others, and give all that I can of myself in return.

Life is love and I have nothing but love for the people who I've surrounded myself with. I've also had some massive lows lately, but nothing that I can't shake, or at least put enough positive energy into to create a positive outcome. I'd like to leave this blog post with a thought: Life is fragile, precious, and beautiful. Live it without regrets and don't forget the people who have helped support you, even in the tiniest of ways, we're all just trying to get somewhere.

Dungeons and Dragons Parody

2011-03-13T21:21:00.000-06:00

Today marks day number eight of the release of our newest Tiger and Rose episode: I Gotta Feeling (Dungeons and Dragons Parody). We have 10,855 views and it's still climbing as I type! This is pretty exciting for us seeing as how all of our other videos have rested around 60 views. It's the music, I'm telling you, and the fact that geeks like to partay. ;)

It's been a long process with the creation of this video, and we're still working it with our PR efforts. Years ago when I thought to myself that making movies would be a fun career to head into, I never thought that the internet would be how I'd share those "movies." It's an exciting concept and a viable option, now we just have to breach 20,000 views and we're golden... right? YouTube is interesting in how it determines who's got a good video and who needs to try harder next time. I've got friends who have shows on YouTube and they've recently been contacted for revenue sharing - meaning they get paid to put shit up on YouTube. I'm thrilled for them, and they're shocked that we've never been contacting considering the number of views we've already gotten in a short amount of time. While we're NOT the Black Eyed Peas and couldn't reach a million viewers in a single day, we've gotten our share of views, therefore one would think that YouTube would want to stick their hands into our business and make some cash off of us. I'm not sure what, if anything, we're doing wrong. But it's quite interesting to discuss these aspects of this community with others who are just trying for the same goals - to make films and eventually make a living off of it.

Speaking of friends who have their own channel on YouTube as well, I'm thrilled with the fact that we all want to work together. I actually had a shoot with one of them this afternoon - it's not a collaboration, but I did make a special appearance, whereas he's made a special appearance in our Dungeons and Dragons Parody. Unfortunately, due to our verbal contract, I can't point him out, and I can't link to his channel - it's inappropriate and risque and I'll leave it at that. But we're sharing our faces and it's working! I never thought that Boise would be where it's at for the YouTube connections and creations that we've already had the pleasure of being a part of. It's funny how life leads you in one direction, and when you're done heading in that direction, it points you in another, but it all happens in the same small town. We won't be here forever, but it's certainly the place we need to be right now.

Climbing

2011-02-28T22:16:00.001-07:00

It would be nice to get in a single post for February, so here it is!

My fingers rested over the submit button and my mind wanted to play a cruel joke on all my (zero) readers, but I just couldn't do it. I'm actually going to write something.

This month has been a whirlwind of fun. It's really quite remarkable how drama from outside of ME, stress about work, and all the other shit that comes with life is forgotten when you've got such a massive film project on your hands. I was talking to someone today about our project and saying that it is the hardest thing we've had to do in our entire filmmaking careers so far, and they asked: "Well, how long is it?"

FIVE minutes.

But it's five glorious minutes that will change the lives of some of us forever. It's already changed my life - purely because it's allowed me to prove to myself that I can fucking do this. Gene and I have wrangled people as a cast and dancers, a crew, an actual location shoot, a wrap party location, and even a fucking release party location! This is a massive balls project and my balls are ginormous. Really, they don't fit in my skinny-jeans any longer.

We've been in pre-production from about mid-January. Gathering all the people we needed to participate and securing a shoot location. There were moments of stress when my leads told me that they couldn't make a rehearsal, or god-forbid a fucking shoot. But we made it work. A couple hours of stress paid off when we rescheduled an entire day of shooting and in the end it helped this entire process run smoother. I think people were happier with the changes made and the best part was that we made it work. I have a great cast and crew that I now owe my life to for making this happen for us. I'm realizing (at this very moment) that if I treat every project this way, I'll have a shit-ton of debts to owe. You know what? I don't think I'd mind that. This is definitely not the last time we will be calling in the cavalry to help us make a movie.

Fuck. If this was all I could do with my life, I'd be a much better person. As I believe however, that everything happens for a reason. Things are heading in the right direction and I shouldn't let my looming 31st birthday scare me into thinking that I'm getting too old to chase my dreams. I'll fucking chase them till I die, as long as I keep plugging away at them. Could anyone imagine a 70-year-old with a Youtube show? ...

This week marks my one-year anniversary in the current position that I hold in my company. I think that's the longest time that anyone has spent in my position. It doesn't make me feel accomplished at all, but like a complete fucking loser who can't get out of an entry-level position. At the same time however, it has given me many opportunities in the way of meeting people who matter and giving me an entire year of time to spend with my husband working on our film projects on our weekends and nights together. Things are changing for me in this company and if things work out the way I want them to, this schedule goes out the window and Gene and I won't get weekends off together anymore. I know that we can make it work and we can keep up with our projects with a new schedule, because we've done it before and once this video releases we'll prove that we can pretty much do anything. Except climb a mountain, I have yet to master that one.

Team

2011-01-30T22:12:00.001-07:00

For 20 minutes I watched them, switching off responsibilities of keeping each other safe. One would partake in necessity, while the other kept watch for danger, then they'd switch. It was like watching a couple of dancers swaying back and forth to the music perfectly, until the switch, which happened seamlessly without either of them exchanging glances that any of the audience could see, then without realizing it, you the audience, was seeing an entirely different show, yet it was the same, and on it went until the end of time. For 20 minutes I watched, while my body automatically moved me on the elliptical machine, then it got dark and I could no longer witness the seamless beauty and interaction between the two geese.

Watching these animals work together to eat allowed me a glimpse into the raw actions that are inherent in nature. One ate, while the other kept an eye out for possible predators, then they'd just switch. Before you realized it, the other goose was eating while the first one was keeping watch. They worked together as a team, as a single entity, as something beautiful and hardly found in human society. We try to work together, we try to make things happen as a team, but for some reason, we let ego and infatuation with self get in the way. If given the opportunity, we as a people would step on the other to get ourselves further. Of course, this isn't the case with everyone, and it isn't the case with various people at various times in their lives, it just seems to be the majority. These geese were at peace letting themselves take care of the other. A perfect couple.

This weekend was packed full with preparations for our project. I finished the choreography, a huge feat for someone who is hardly a dancer. I also started sewing a cloak for one of our characters costumes. It took me back to working at home, listening to my music, working toward a goal. And it made me realize that I really don't like working for other people. To make them money, while I struggle to make ends meet. It takes all kinds of people in this world to make it run, but I am so tired of being one of the people at the bottom. I give myself to this "team of people" so that they can live the cush life. I keep watch while they eat, but I rarely get the chance to taste that grassy goodness.

I miss working for myself. I miss creating. I miss doing my own thing and making my own money. The job came with difficulties and life lessons, but what job doesn't? Now, I just keep my head down and push toward the completion of this project. Once it's complete and ready for viewing, I guess we'll see what comes next. In the meantime, I'll work together with my team of people, keeping watch while they eat first, so that they can give me the best performance/work that they can. I know how to be a goose.

THE BIG PROJECT!

2011-01-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

We're working on a big project. I'm sure that wasn't obvious from the all caps I used in my title. This is epic. We've got numerous people in our cast, a lighting guy, a $1000 costume budget, and a second camera man!!! The second camera man has got to be the best part about this. We've never had another camera guy work with us and I am thrilled to death to be working with another person - getting their eye and opinion and just seeing how this relationship will jive. I already know it's a great fit when I see him in the halls at work and he's just got this giant smile on his face and all he can say is "I can't wait."

We are in the thick of it here at our "movie studio," which is a single small room in our duplex, but it works. Costumes are strewn about the floor and our casting couch, along with the socks I throw off my feet when it's time to work on choreography. Oh yes, I'm choreographing this project. Up until tonight I had major doubts in my head that I could actually pull some dance moves out of my ass and make it look like something other than bouncing on the dance floor, but holy fuck! it looks good. I've only gotten through about 5, eight-counts, but that's five more than I had when I woke up this morning. And I've got different people going in different directions, so it's more like about 8, eight-counts. Either way, it's looking pretty bad ass.

The idea for this project just came one night while I was doing the dishes. We don't have a dishwasher, except my small hands, so every night I turn on Pandora.com and listen to music while I clean. I hate doing the dishes, but with the music it becomes MY time and with an idea like this project, I yearn to do dishes every night.

It's a very interesting process that we have to go through to get this project off the ground. There's scheduling all the people involved, scheduling rehearsal space, scheduling location times, scheduling costume fittings, and scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. I guess this anal-retentive-attention-to-detail brain that I have is paying off for something. Speaking of scheduling location times, we've got a real surprise and treat with this project as well. A local club is allowing us the use of their space to shoot our "major" scene. Can I get a high-pitched girly scream?! We went to this location last night with a group of friends to meet the owner and feel the place out. It's got a great vibe and looks perfect for this particular shoot. H.O.L.Y.S.H.I.T! I am blown away by the willingness of people to help us out with this project even before meeting us, or knowing much about the project. We even have a famous backer (although there's no money exchanged) who's allowing us to use his creative genius in our film. Yeah, you just wait.

Although, if I talk it up too much you'll just be let down by the final product. Kinda like how I felt with the movie "The Hangover." People talked that shit up so much that by the time I watched it I was ready for the MOST EPIC FILM OF ALL TIME. It was funny, I'll give it that, but it wasn't epic, and it certainly didn't go on my "must buy" list. Damn people and their suggestions of movies I'll just love. I'll tell you what movies I love, and it's never the shit other people suggest. I am a unique flower and like my movies to be unique flowers too.

It's Leading Somewhere...

2011-01-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today was a very difficult day at work. Without going into any detail, it was one of the worst and found me crying as I walked home. My saving grace was my husband who thought it would be nice to meet me half way and walk me home the rest of the way. It was a surprise and relief to see him on that bridge, walking toward me in the rain, bundled up like a kid ready to play in the snow.

I am so down on my job, yet it has brought me many opportunities to meet new people. I spent my "free time" at work yesterday (which is the couple minutes I spend every day dashing between floors to deliver mail or other paperwork to various people) talking to a possible camera guy who was interested in working with us. By the end of the day, I secured him as our second cinematographer on our upcoming Tiger and Rose episode. He and I talk as often as possible about movie making, but have never settled on working together, so I made the plunge yesterday, after seeing his work on Youtube, and now we've got more manpower! The look on his face after I finally asked him was enough to make anyone know that his heart is in this. It kinda felt like asking someone on a first date and seeing their reaction. This will definitely be a good relationship.

Through this job, I've also found a few peeps to participate as actors in our projects. I can't call them "actors/actors" but I can say that they'll be just fine in our films. Another woman, who I talk about films with, but cannot show her what I do for the pure fact that she is a manager and I am a measly little worker-bee, gave me her husband's phone number to contact for a project that he's considering making. So, tonight, my only week night that I have free, I made a 40 minute phone call to a man I've only met on the street corner - me getting on my bike (this was obviously during much warmer weather) and he in his mini-van waiting for his wife to walk out the door after work. Anytime that we passed each other, I'd stop to say hi and ask how life was treating him. We'd run into each other at the grocery store once, but without him sitting behind a driver's side door, and me without my bike helmet on, we didn't realize who the other person was. Tonight he asked me about documentary filmmaking and how to go about taking an idea and turning it into a reality. Whether something comes of this conversation for me or not, it was nice to talk to someone who's serious about an idea and wanting to learn more.

I have also met local contacts, through this job, that are helping me with locations for our future projects, such as bars, restaurants, and dance clubs that we can rent. It all slowly works it's way together. Through every little thing that I do in my life, I'm realizing that it is *hopefully* leading me toward my dream. The more people I tell about my desire to make films, the more people come forward with either the same goals, or a desire to at least fulfill their creative side and make something with someone who will see a project through. If there's any talent in this body, it's the fact that I MAKE things happen. If there's no talent, at least I'm having fun while making films, because I sure as fuck am not having fun at work.

Happy New Year 2011!

2011-01-09T12:02:00.000-07:00

Hau'oli Makahiki Hou! I know I'm about nine days late, but better late than never, right?! Besides, this is typically about how long it takes me to come up with my New Years resolutions. It gives me time to see how I spend my first week of the new year and determine from that what needs to go on the resolutions list, and what can stay off because I'm already continuing from the year before. Like... working out! I made it to the gym three times last week (which is what we've decided to set for ourselves) and I also started belly dancing again! Woohoo!!! I've missed it for the world, and am so thrilled to have found a troupe that I can dance with who doesn't require my signature in blood in order to participate. My girlfriend and I are on the road to dance recovery. We're also allowed to perform our duets, which we've got quite a few up our sleeves.

I like to take a look at my previous resolutions and see what I followed and what fell by the wayside. So, before I list my 2011 "demands" I'll check out 2010:

1. Focus on my spirituality - I did start a nightly routine where I acknowledge my blessings and give energy to those things I need to fix in my life. It helps me sleep, keep calm, grounded, and be a better person. Yay for me for keeping up with #1!

2. Stay in School - Well, I did finish a semester, but I didn't return. It's very difficult to go to school and have a full-time job, which is why I had to quit the first time over 10 years ago. I guess school just isn't in the cards for me... still not sure how I feel about that.

3. Make a movie - We started the Tiger and Rose Show, so I guess that counts...

4. Start that comic - Not even close

5. Learn to appreciate and enjoy my time off - I am a workaholic. - I figured this out my last week of work in 2010. Better late than never!

6. Finish my teen fiction - Nope, didn't happen. I thought about it every day, but that doesn't count.

7. Blog more? - Obviously, that didn't happen, but I'm not that disappointed in this one.

I think I did okay on last year's goals. Kinda shitty that I didn't follow through with at least more than half. Fuck, I kinda failed myself, but last year was a doozie. I hated last year, save for a few choice moments where life seemed to cut me some slack and remind me that I am deserving of love and fun. But other than that... I blew it.

Why didn't I accomplish my goals last year?

I fell into a deep depression after Pandora died on my first day of school - January 20th. That depression pretty much lasted all year long. That's a tough way to start a new year, and I guess I wasn't strong enough to keep myself up and focused on other things. I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself, but everything happens for a reason, even if that reason doesn't present itself until much later. I also started a new job at the beginning of March and that threw me into a deeper depression because it's an "adult" job, meaning I'm getting (in my humble mind) further and further from my goals because I work in a corporate world, instead of just waiting tables. Plus, it's really tough to get back to work like that after working from home for five years and I just couldn't handle it. Not to mention the fact that I don't like the type of work I do, and it's not something I ever would have chosen for myself, but circumstances are circumstances and if I didn't accept this position, I would have been jobless starting in May. I've been looking for a new job since I started this position, but nothing opens up and to be honest, there's absolutely nothing I want to do with my life except make movies, so anything I look for looks like shit compared to what I really want to do. Life's tough that way.

There are other things that kept me from focusing on my goals, but enough of the depressing bullshit. It is what it is, I failed, but I'll recover from it this year. There were some great highs from 2010 that did allow me to love myself and actually do something with my life that made me excited and happy again!...

We started Tiger and Rose. While we're now only updating when we can, instead of our original plan of three-times a week, we're still working on it every day and that makes me so happy. It allows us an outlet for our creativity and we're making movies! It's not getting nearly the amount of views that we'd hoped for, but I keep telling myself that it's all in due time - the recognition will come because we're putting energy into something we love.

We also got to go to Hawai'i for the first time in eight years for a small family reunion. My parents, sisters, brothers, and nephew were all there and it was the most wonderful trip! We did so many things together and learned so much about each other. I think our bonds as a family were strengthened and proved that we're growing up well as a group of people instead of just as individuals. I love my friendship with my parents and my siblings, we've really grown up and I absolutely adore them.

Now, before this turns into the book that no one wants to read... I think I'm ready for my New Years Resolutions 2011!

1. Focus on ME! - I will continue with my new found love for myself and not allow myself to be consumed by a job that I don't like. Of course I'll still go every day, I do need to make that $40, however I'm not going to put more into it than I get paid to put into it. No one else does, and it's making me feel as though I'm being taken advantage of and that I'm not being fair to myself. My life is NOT my job, my life is my films, my husband, my cats, my workouts, my dancing, my family, my friends, my girlfriend and more. I just go to work because it's something that I'm required to do in order to pay for the things I like to do. That is all.

2. Keep growing Tiger and Rose and making it bigger and better with each episode.

3. Travel SOMEWHERE that I've never been.

4. Work on my books - I have a few stored up in my brain. While I may not finish any of them, I'll at least hope to get a 1st draft of my teen fiction and an outline of two new ideas.

5. Be happy every single day. - I believe in balance, but I also believe in healthy happiness at least for a few minutes every day.

6. Keep dancing, keep having fun, keep living, and keep laughing.

7. Keep in touch with my friends more. - I'm slowly realizing that even a quick one-sentence email can mean the world to someone.

I should be able to accomplish these things. I guess we'll find out next year. Catch you on the flip side!

Time to Have Fun

2010-12-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

I need to learn to enjoy everything. I think I've written about this previously. I find that I have a real problem with enjoying life. I have fun when I want to have fun, but I NEED to have fun all the other times too. I spend a lot of time in my head hating aspects of my life, which just makes me a miserable cuss. There's no need for this. My soul may get many lives, but me as this person right now only gets this one. I can't really blame my feelings on anything or anyone but myself, because I'm the one who put myself in this situation. So, although I've been trying for months, I'm going to make an extra effort in the coming year. I can still experience heartache, but I shouldn't live heartache. I don't want to die wishing I'd enjoyed my life more. It's infuriating! I am going to have fun. In 2011, I'm going to enjoy things, even my job. And when I'm having a hard day, I'll just remind myself that it's not the end of the world, life moves on, and eventually I might get to be where I want to be. If I never make it there, at least I know I tried, and at least I know I enjoyed myself throughout my journey.

Must enjoy. Must love. Must live. Must laugh. Must stop beating myself up for those things that I cannot control. I am going to allow myself to be happy.

My first step will be to share our most recent Tiger and Rose episode. It's a little dated now as the holiday has passed, but I think it's a song that will stick around for a very long time...

Time Warp

2010-12-27T20:59:00.001-07:00

I got the FUNNIEST movie in the mail today. The date is 1989, the local is Federal Way, Washington, the occasion is Christmas. My brother sent all of us a DVD of our first Christmas on the mainland after we moved from Hawai'i. It's a very telling tale of how our family of six have changed drastically, yet hardly changed, over the last 21 years. I was nine, and our baby brother was only two. All I could keep thinking to myself while watching it was that my mom must somehow be Supermom, because I do not know how the hell she did it. Each of us four kids has our own personalities, but we have at least one major thing in common, our energy. Somehow, she kept us (mostly) from ripping the hair out of our siblings heads and screaming for more than a couple seconds at a time.

I am now 30, and my youngest brother is 23, along the way we've all grown up and fit into our noses and big hair. It's interesting to see the variations of ourselves and what's carried over all these years later. The big sister taking care of her younger siblings, the baby being talked down to, the middle girl trying to showboat, and the middle boy only caring about remote control cars. We've each carried pieces of ourselves into adulthood and at the same time we've each lost something that we can never get back. The pure joy and excitement of a single day. The fact that even though we were at each others throats over who got to play with the Nintendo first, we still had each others backs. That's still the case... to a degree, but I've let them wander and branch out on their own to make their own mistakes and hopefully, a few years down the road, we'll meet again under better circumstances. My siblings are my life, I just can't hold on too tightly for fear of losing one of them.

I think I've done a fairly decent job of being who they each need me to be. My youngest brother recently texted me from a sex store to ask what type of gift he should get for a white elephant party. Isn't it cool that he asked ME!?!?! It makes me feel awesome. My other brother and his wife can have long conversations with Gene and I about philosophical life questions, while drunk and sober. My sister and I can bounce back after a fight. Even as adults we still have those childish ways about us.

My parents are still my parents, but we get along like friends. I never thought that would ever happen, but we can have the best conversations over beer and it's more like talking to a friend than a parent. I'm not sure when the change happened between any of us. There are parts of me that wish I could have discovered this sooner, but I also appreciate the steps it took to get to this point in our lives. I look forward to watching these relationships grow, while I enjoy the DVD of us kids fighting over 1989 presents, with my ginormous hair, and 80's clothing.

Blech! What a sight that was.

30

2010-12-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

Saturday was fine. We didn't do much. Just hung out at the in-law's house. I fell asleep on the couch a few times. The only thing that would have made it even more comical was if they'd had a football game on the tele, but his family doesn't do sports. So instead, I fell asleep to the sound of yelling children, and woke up to the sound of yelling children, and I couldn't help but laugh at myself that I'd turned into my dad. I finally got sick this winter and that son-of-a-bitch has been hanging on for a week now (hence the sleeping on Saturday part). I think I caught it at a friend's house, or on the dance floor last weekend. I'm still not sure. I sound like a hooker who sucked too much dick and it makes it very difficult for people to understand me. This ought to be real fun trying to answer phones tomorrow. I'm kinda looking forward to it. I don't get paid to call in sick, so this girl's taking her nonexistent voice to work!

I've been struggling with a lot of things lately. Mostly the idea of working from home again. I just really have no fucking clue what I'd do. I've considered doing something similar to what we used to do, but the inventory on that would be insane with cost and places to stash it all. Plus, it's not filmmaking, so again, I'd be traveling down a different path than I want to be on. I'd thought about just quitting work and writing and hoping that my first book makes millions. But that's about as likely as one of our Tiger and Rose episodes getting more than 80 views. I have honestly thought about stripping. I have the body, I know how to dance (kinda), but I think I'm too old - my bones crack. I was watching one of our recent episodes and I noticed that it sounded like I was wearing heels on a hardwood floor. We work on carpet. It struck me that those clickity-clacks were my fucking bones as I walked out of the scene. Could you imagine enjoying a nice strip show and all of a sudden you hear a loud pop? Just my knees people, don't worry, they don't hurt that much, just stick your money in my panties and watch the damn show. Then I can go home and fall asleep on the couch.

Stripping is not working from home though, so we'll just scratch that idea all together. My desire to get the fuck out of my company rests purely on the fact that I don't like what I'm doing. My job has nothing to do with making films and everything to do with bullshit. I've looked into the various "production companies" around town and most of them are laughable. There are some that seem like they could be a legitimate place to look for employment, but they're not hiring and when they do, I'm sure they've already got their eyes on someone. Besides, most "production companies" are like my "production company." We have a name and we make movies, that's about all that can be said about that.

I'm slowly coming to the realization that this might be what my life is. Wishing I could be in films, doing everything I can to make it work, yet it's never enough, and working for a company that hardly pays me more than minimum wage to do shit I'm not qualified to do, in a shitty economy. Is this it? I fucking hope not. That falling asleep on the couch was a fluke! I'm not old, I'm just 30, and my filmmaking dreams will see the light of day. As soon as I can stop my knees from popping.

Don't Ask Why

2010-12-16T22:51:00.001-07:00

I don't celebrate Christmas. There I said it. There are a lot of different reasons why I don't celebrate the day. I guess the biggest reason is that I'm not Christian, so why celebrate a Christian holiday? I'm not Jewish, therefore I don't celebrate Hanukkah, so the same rule applies to Christmas. Also, it's too commercialized. There is WAY too much emphasis put on the gift giving/receiving part. Way too much emphasis. Way too much. I think I've stressed it enough. Most people who find out that I don't celebrate it look as though I slapped them in the face, stole their purse, kicked their puppy, and shit in their coffee, all at the same time. Hey, I am a multi-tasker.

I have very fond memories of the day when I was a kid. I "celebrate" it with my family (both mine and my in-laws) and I buy gifts for my niece and nephews. I've gotten called out by my nephew for not getting him a gift one year, so the gifts definitely keep on coming, but I don't buy gifts for anyone else. Not even my husband. I like this low-key way of celebrating a day that almost EVERYONE has off. No pressure, no requirements, just being. Being is something that is not easily accomplished in my opinion.

I woke up this morning with the insane urge to write, write, write, but I had to go to work for eight hours. I thought I'd attempt to keep up with that inspiration tonight, at quarter-to-eleven, but the feeling and inspiration has passed. Fuck. At least I filled the rest of my time between work and now with the filming of our next Tiger and Rose episode. It's going to be EPIC! (I say that about all of them.)

Until next time, I leave you with another reason why I don't celebrate Christmas...

Work is...

2010-12-05T22:15:00.000-07:00

I find it unsettling that we are literally forced to get along with people we wouldn't normally get along with for 40 hours out of our entire week. That's a long damn time. We're forced into these tiny hallways with numerous doors and made to run into each other in the break room and have awkward conversations about our weekends. We really shouldn't be gossipy or too stand-offish or that would make the entire situation even more uncomfortable. People of all ages, all religious backgrounds, with all sorts of political ideas, and virtually nothing in common save for the fact that we work for the same company, are forced to coexist for more time together than I seem to spend with my friends and family. And yet we somehow make it work because one of us is adult enough to hold our tongue, one of us is intelligent enough to know when to walk away, one of us is stupid enough to put up with all the shit.

I may hate the position that I hold, but I'm very lucky that I get to see it all. I'm actually the one that everyone seems to bring their problems to. I know what they do on the weekends, I know who they've tried to sleep with, I know their secrets. But I don't want to. I'm not invested in their lives, but for some reason they seem to think that I am. Funny how that works out. It's gonna make a great book someday. I'm storing it all away, because there's nothing else that I can do with their info. And that's probably why they tell me their secrets, because I've got no where to go with them... not yet.

And in honor of the stories told around a water cooler, I leave you with an episode of Tiger and Rose...

Changing Shit Up

2010-11-30T22:09:00.003-07:00

Does it look different? Yesss..... That was one of those drawn out yeses where you're asking yourself if that's really supposed to be the answer.

I'm making some changes. Changes for the better because I'm in a changing type of mood. Since I can't change my situation at work (it always comes down to that doesn't it?) I'm changing other things in my life to prepare for possibilities of making money outside of work. I've gotta figure out some type of plan so I don't have to work in a stuffy office. And when I say stuffy, I mean stuffy, complete with ruffled shirts. I'm also going to attempt to change the tone of this blog. I'm hoping to make it more upbeat and totally random. I'll write about our flight through filmmaking, but will also just talk. I guess we'll see how this works out. I think it was about 8 months ago that I said I wanted to write every day? HA! HAHAHAHA! That hasn't happened. It still won't happen, but it'll be more frequent. I WILL make time for this because with every endeavor, one must devote time.

It is fucking cold outside! We're having a rather long drawn out winter and it's not even December yet! I hate, absolutely hate, driving in the snow. I only live a mile away from work. I walk to work in single digit weather just so I don't have to deal with driving in the snow. I prefer it. I like it. Some call me crazy. Fuck 'em. It keeps me from having the nervous shits at work, which no one really enjoys. TMI? Who gives a shit?

I believe that this unfounded fear comes from a New Years day back in 2000, or 2001. I can't remember the year exactly. Gene and I decided to be fools and drive from one small town in Colorado to another just to have have dinner somewhere new. There was a massive snow storm and we were the first people on site of a horrible car accident. People flew off the bridge, I think some of them died, people were screaming, swearing, wandering around because they were in shock. It was not a fun experience and I believe that might have something to do with my fear of traveling in the snow. Or maybe it's my "spider" fear. Some people are deathly afraid of spiders, I am deathly afraid of driving in the snow. My body shakes as I sit behind the wheel, I cry when I make it to my destination, and I fret for hours until I get back in that car and go to my next destination - usually home. So, I prefer to not put myself through that fearful hell and walk! I like the way my boots sound in the snow, like fingers on a chalkboard. It's kinda soothing.

Stay Warm!

Creativity is Back?

2010-11-17T22:14:00.000-07:00

11/17/2010

Life is moving at a slow and steady pace. Life is moving at a fast and uncomfortable pace. Life sucks. There, I think I've covered it. Without going into the boring details that everyone's heard a million times from their million-and-one friends, I'll spare you everything about the way I spend 40 hours of my week, every mother-fucking week. I don't know if it's the fact that I've tasted freedom from "the man" for five glorious years of my life, or if it's the fact that I am not doing anything that has anything to do with filmmaking for the majority of my life right now that has me despising the very thought of waking up every morning and getting on with the bullshit that is my life. People at work (because that's all I have time to associate with anymore) are noticing that I'm not doing well. I look older, I look tired, I look... depressed. *GASP* Holy shit, really?!

I'm actually feeling okay. Sure, I'm depressed and many dumb things run through my mind that shouldn't, but sitting below all of that, I'm surprisingly happy. I absolutely LOVE what we do after work and on the weekends, and my creativity is peeking again. One night, while brushing my teeth, I came up with the most amazing book idea for people my age. It really is a very interesting and highly motivating idea that's got me wanting to put a halt on all other project ideas and just tackle this one. But while thinking about this new idea while I washed dishes tonight, I realized that I need to finish what I've already started first. Therefore, my teen fiction is coming out of the shadows and the dust is going to be wiped away... I think at one point I set a date for 1st draft completion of September 2010. HA! Yeah, that's definitely not going to happen.

Our Tiger and Rose project is going well. We (obviously, if you've been paying attention) have quit with the three-times a week dumbass bullshit and have transitioned into once a week. We were killing ourselves trying to keep up with three shows a week. Everyone says they were wondering why we took on such a big project, and the answer is simple: Because it's ALL WE WANT TO DO WITH OUR LIVES! We thought quantity before quality and realized quickly that that was not the way to go. Now we're focusing on quality, not quantity. And besides, when you work that hard and only see your views spike at 30 people, not 300, not 30,000, but a mere 30, you realize that you're only making yourself more miserable than need be. I love this project and I put my everything into it, so I'm glad that we've made this decision. I know Gene is too, as he sits behind me editing the fuck out of our new episode. Poor guy, this has way more Adobe After Effects shit in it than we can shake a stick at, or a turkey (hint, the turkey has something to do with our upcoming episode).

I guess it's time for me to put down this "pen and paper." You know, I remember complaining about not having any time at all to do anything when I had my own business. I had no idea what the fuck I was talking about. You wanna talk about no time? Try this 40+ hours a week job. I fucking eat, sleep, and breathe this shit and it's slowly killing me on the inside. But complain I won't, not here, for I know there are many people out there in the same fucking boat. Why is it that we all can't be living the dream?

Lot's to Share

2010-10-06T23:09:00.001-06:00

10/06/2010

Wow! It's been a month since I last posted! And at one point I wanted to blog *almost* every night to keep myself from dreaming about work. Well, I don't really need to do that because I've found another outlet! It's called Tiger and Rose, and it's our newest film project, coming to you three times a week. Okay, that's not news, in fact I announced that project about two posts ago... over a month ago... Man how time flies when you're having... fun?

Life has been fun, I can't deny it that, but it's also been a big pile of fucked up shit-puss. Things happening that I really don't want to write about, but it leaves moments in my life where I'm wishing that life could be as different from what it currently is as possible. That's saying a lot. In my book anyway. You know those moments where everything's going along fine and in one fell swoop the wind gets knocked out of your chest, and your feet falter, and you almost fall down? That happened today, but I had to keep going, had to hide that amongst the rest of the shit I was dealing with, and pretend that nothing was going on. Someone noticed and he pretty much saved my sanity. But enough about that.

Tiger and Rose has been a blessing to both Gene and I. It allows us our creative outlet that we don't otherwise get for 40 hours of every week. It's tough work staying on top of a project that we've promised ourselves would be released three times a week, especially when sleep is necessary to survive, but we've managed to keep that promise. Except for this week. Although! We did post an apology video for Monday, so yeah, we've still stayed on top of it. Fuck yeah.

In other news: We went to Hawai'i for 10 glorious days! It was the first time my entire family (siblings and parents included) have been there TOGETHER in almost 15 years. It was my first time back in 8 years. It was only Gene's second trip ever. And we got to celebrate this trip with other family members who've never been there before. It was a vacation to remember and cherish for always. I loved spending time with my family and getting to know my parents as people and not those two older folks who I resemble and who raised me for 18 years. My parents are pretty fucking kick ass. We had a blast together and I can't wait for our next family reunion.

Now, I've realized, I've blogged long enough. I'll leave you (whoever you is anymore... anyone? anyone?) with my two favorite videos so far, from our Tiger and Rose collection. Enjoy! And for more, visit us on Youtube at: http://youtube.com/tigerandroseshow

It's All About Finding Our Rhythm

2010-08-29T22:56:00.001-06:00

08/29/2010

I sit here typing as my poor husband works through keying and coloring our green screen work. To most of you, that probably doesn't mean a damned thing. To the select few who know what I'm talking about, I'm sure you can feel his pain. This entire post-production shit is trial and error. Realizing that audio needs to be edited at THIS POINT, and not this point and that color correction needs to be done HERE and not here. You get the idea, or you don't, either way, it's frustrating, but he's getting somewhere.

Our goal and our promise is to have a new episode every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Well, we've kinda been working on our second episode allllll daaaaaayyyyy looooonnnnnggggg. Save for about an hour when we rode our bikes downtown to check out the 2nd annual Boise Curb Cup, where a bunch of artists get together and show off their shit. It's pretty fantastic - last year I got to participate as a belly dancer, this year I watched from the sidelines. It's a neat idea and allows the town of Boise to get a glimpse of all the various artists that are in this town, doing their best to keep their own dreams alive. From fire dancers, to street musicians, and everything else in between, the city of Boise is swarming with artists of all sorts. That brings us back to this artist who wants nothing more than to go to bed right fucking now. I don't *think* we're shooting ourselves in the foot by guaranteeing a show three times a week, while both also working a 40-hour a week job, but I guess we'll find out. All I want to do is work on our project! THIS is what I want to do with my life! But someone's got to pay the bills and unfortunately that someone is both Gene and I, and we're doing quite poorly at it. I just don't get it. How the fuck do people survive in this economy?... and I thought we were making decent money. I guess we'd better stop spending it all on wigs and costumes. But it's so much fun! And who doesn't want a cute blond wig? Am I right?

Anyway, episode two WILL be out sometime tomorrow. Stay tuned...

Tiger and Rose Episode 1

2010-08-28T22:21:00.000-06:00

08/28/2010

We did it! We finally got through production and post and have a video available for viewing. This has been MONTHS in the making and it's finally here. What a relief.

Our schedule is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday... every week. The lengthy process, now that pre-production is complete, is the rendering of each project. It's taking 2 hours with our system, which is already upgraded from before. What can you do but wait and work really fast? This is so exciting despite the long wait times and the lectures I'm already getting from family members. Gotta get used to it though, not everyone will like what we do, and you know what? That makes this even more exciting because it means we're stirring a reaction, and that's what we hope for.

I had a terrible day at work on Wednesday and as I jumped on the treadmill at the gym, turned up some Barenaked Ladies tunes, and ran out my frustrations, I became relaxed and happy. I'm sure it was the combination of the running and the music, but it was the familiar fun lyrics that made me smile, and that's what made me even more excited to get our work out there. I want to give people what my favorite artists give me - a moment away from real life, a chance to laugh and be entertained, while forgetting about the shit of the day. I like to feel good about my life, and I hope to share that with everyone else through our project. Tiger and Rose will hopefully bring the laughs and fun times to everyone who watches it.

If you're interested, follow us on Twitter at: https://twitter.com/tigerandrose

Subscribe to our Youtube page at: http://www.youtube.com/user/tigerandroseshow

Be our BFF's on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/pages/Tiger-and-Rose/143732922334191

Refocusing

2010-08-24T22:00:00.000-06:00

08/24/2010

I'm finally figuring some shit out. For one, I treat every weekend as though it's a mini-vacation and that seems to be working out fantastically for me. I relish all that time I spend away from my job; I go out and do things; I accomplish things; I work toward my goals. My mini-vacations are exactly that: VACATIONS. Even when I just stay at home. Secondly, I leave work at work. I don't think about it when I get home, I don't even talk about it. I might mention a few things to Gene, but usually when he asks how was work, I respond with a simple: SSDD - Same Shit Different Day. I don't need to think about it when I get home, because I'm at home, and I'm not getting paid. I despise 8 hours of my life every single day, so there's no reason to relive those moments when I don't have to. I've perfected not thinking about it that I've had to start leaving myself notes everywhere at work, so that I could remember what I am supposed to accomplish the next day. It's amazing how much I forget from one day to the next. That might have a lot to do with that fact that I am now doing the work of about three people, with pay that's not even worthy of a single person of my age. It is what it is and very soon I will be working from home again, as long as this project does what it's supposed to do.

I have never had to deal with this long of a pre-production for any project, but I think that means that it's going to be greater than we had ever envisioned. Our theme song is now done, the video footage that's going under our song is done, costumes have been worn, wigs have been brushed, everything is coming together, and we're still fucking with after effects. We have learned something new every step of the way. It will, of course, make everything that much easier the further along we get, but this learning curve is fucking ginormous! We've had help from a lot of people, and we are truly grateful to them, but it still takes a lot to even figure out what we're doing wrong to ask for the right help in the first place! (FYI: My spellchecker didn't pick up ginormous - is that an actual dictionary approved word now?!)

My friend, whom we made the documentary about a couple of months ago, is having an article written about him in the Idaho Business Review. I had to do a phone interview about him this morning. I think I did a great job, but I kept thinking to myself that I know how these interviews go... everything is printed out of context and you usually sound like you don't know proper English grammar. The guy who interviewed me seemed intelligent enough, but I'm just worried that I'll sound like a fucking moron, especially because I had nothing good to say about my friend. ;) Just kidding, of course! However, the interviewer did ask me to share a funny story of my friend and I told him, "I don't have any stories that are business appropriate to share." I honestly couldn't think of a damn thing to say! I finally settled on a story about how sick Sean got the day of our biggest shoot, he ended up at the doctors, which is never a good thing for him. We had planned on just canceling that shoot and working it out some other way, but Sean was determined, so he met me at the Arena, and we shot our documentary. Turned out that almost half of the film was from that night's shoot.

Well, time to get ready for bed once again. These evenings are just too short, but we're accomplishing a lot in a short amount of time. August for me is crawling along, this is wonderful considering the rest of the year has gone by way too quickly. I like that it's taking forever to get to the end of this month, I think that means I'm actually doing something worthwhile during those times that I am able.

Blessed Corn Moon my friends.

Little Wonders

2010-08-16T22:16:00.000-06:00

08/16/2010

A plastic garbage bag makes a great light diffuser.

It feels like this pre-production shit is going on forever! We have to fix our lighting, fix our colors, fix our characters, and entirely fix our editing computer. But as of tonight, everything seems to be running smoothly and looking good, so I think we're ready to start shooting. We've been shooting for a couple of weeks, but as we didn't quite figure out our lighting, and our editing software decided to crap out on us, the shoots were not for anyone but us to determine what needed to be fixed next.

I love the filmmaking process, but at this point I feel like shouting, "Let's just get on with it already!" But all good projects take a long time in the making, so hopefully this won't suck balls and we'll actually have a great project to show you.

One day, we might have our own production studio - a HUGE space in the middle of butt-fuck Idaho, or we'll just work for an already established studio. Either way, as long as I get to make movies.

Well That Sucked

2010-08-05T22:10:00.000-06:00

08/05/2010

We cleaned our salt water tank for the first time since moving here last November. Have you ever smelled fish shit? That's what it smelled like when I vacuumed out all the shit that had settled under our coral. Fish shit. Blech. I'm glad we did it though. Obviously it needed it just for the smell alone - luckily you couldn't smell it until we stirred up that coral, so it's not like our house stunk like fish shit. Honest! Hopefully this will encourage growth among our corals which aren't looking so hot.

Work sucked balls today. Everyone has been on edge since we all got new job duties last week. So on edge that people are crying in the offices, or holding back tears while we run out to the terrace to text our husbands about what fucking bullshit it all is, while trying to still not cry because someone else could run out there at the same exact moment to do the same exact thing. That's how unhealthy this environment is right now. So it's not just me not liking the changes or my job, it's practically everyone in my department. I feel like I'm getting the brunt of it because I'm still just an ASSistant, who is now required to do EVERYTHING else. Fuck this shit!

I have seriously been considering going back to waiting tables. I wouldn't have to work nearly as many hours as I do now because I should be able to make more money than I'm making now in less amount of time. That would be the case if I didn't live in butt-fuck Boise. The servers here get half minimum wage due to tips. When we lived in California, we made minimum wage PLUS tips. And I still had to work more than full-time to make up for our rent. I guess you just can't ever win when you're a minimum wage loser like me. Goddamn, I'm really down on myself right now aren't I?

But just like yesterday's post, I'm more pissed off than anything. Completely fucking pissed off at the way I, and one of my coworkers in particular, are being treated. There is no reason to be yelled at in front of other employees, ever. Why can't people just be civil and respectful? Especially people in "power." This particular manager is Mormon, so I think he views all of his employees (and we're all women) as his wives. One big happy polygamist family. Now that's fucked up. Makes a funny brain picture though, doesn't it? What an asshole.

Still updating Gene's computer, so again today, our project has been put on hold. When you have no editing equipment, it's kinda hard to get things done. Oh well. It gave us time to clean our fish tank.

I'm very proud of myself. I wanted a beer so badly after work because of how stressful it was today. I cried in Gene's arms when I got home and he even offered to go buy me beer, but I said no. I drink on the weekends, but not on the week days, and I wasn't going to let my job fuck that up for me. I wanted to be clear headed for the rest of the night so that if his computer had finished updating and we did have time to work on our project, I could do it without a buzz. Now, there might be beer drinking in our project, but tonight, I wasn't going to let my job rule my life. Fuck that shit. I AM IN CONTROL! I just wish I could be in control of everything that happened around me at work. Then maybe no one would be on edge, and we'd all be enjoying our jobs just a little bit more. I would make a good manager.

Bullshit

2010-08-04T21:08:00.000-06:00

08/04/2010

We did it! Thanks to some tips from a friend, we were able to actually make us look like we're sitting in a lake near Stanley, Idaho. Booyeah! The green screen testing is over. Now we're just fucking around with Gene's computer because it started to hiccup on us a few weeks back during editing. And it's not cool. It's very difficult to edit while your computer doesn't want to show you your progress. So, we wait, while our computer gets a reinstall of EVERYTHING.

Work's been bullshit. I am no longer depressed about it, just super pissed. This is a good feeling to have because when I'm depressed, I don't want to do anything when I get home. When I'm pissed, I want to do everything in my fucking power to get our projects off the ground so that some day I won't have to work at a "real" job. I wake up driven and anxious to shove as much as I can into my free time after work just to get a tiny bit further on our dreams. I am being taken advantage of at work and I am flaming fucking pissed about it. I've said something about it and that just resulted in a tiny raise that people would laugh at if they knew the background of this position, my new job duties, and the amount of money I am currently getting paid. I would be the laughing stock of the company if everyone knew what was really happening to me. Fucking bullshit.

The hardest part is that I have new job duties, but I'm still required to do everything that I was previously doing. I carry the title of ASSistant, by October, I think I'll be needing my own assistant.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was going to try to start writing at work since there wasn't much to do. Since the day following that VERY day I wrote my first work-story, I have been nothing but busy. No time to take a piss and everyone seems to think that I don't need to take a lunch break. I didn't like being bored, but this is insanity topped with fucking fake coconut. I hate fake coconut - it's that dried shit, but it tastes fake to me. I guess the moral of this stupid story is that when you're bored at work, don't tell a soul, not even on your blog, because the next day you'll be handed accounting work to do. I don't do accounting. I cheated on my high school algebra test - this is not my cup of tea. I'd rather be creating and using my precious time to work on my films.

You're probably asking yourself if this girl is ever happy at a job. The real answer is: NO. Not unless that job involves making films.

Tiger & Rose: Green Screen 101

2010-08-01T22:37:00.001-06:00

08/01/2010

We took a crash course on green screening today. Meaning, we just kinda went for it without any prior training or knowledge on the subject. The biggest thing I think we've learned? Our green screen is too dark of a green. Next step, funky green paint to cover an entire wall in our "movie room." Until then... we work with what we've got. (EDIT: Our walls are textured. Scratch that idea, we'd have to sand it all down in order to get smooth walls and we're renting, so that's a definite N-O.)

Our first go-round with our green screen gave us tiny shadows. We knew this going in, but thought that it should be fixable in post. It was... to a degree... and then you could see right through our bodies. Freaky.

Next try, we added light at our feet. The biggest shadows were happening under our arms when we lifted them and we realized where the light wasn't reaching. The light at our feet took care of that issue, but then we had shadows coming at us from the sides near the ground. Well, at this point, we're running out of lights. We have two large lights facing the upper corners of our green screen, one facing the upper middle area, and now one at our feet. We had to borrow our bedside lamps to light the lower corners and it still isn't good enough. The thing is, you have to light your green screen, all of it, not your subjects. At least, this is what we figure as it's what seems to be solving our issues - lighting, lighting, lighting.

We played around with different types of movement, and tried to create as many shadows as possible. This was the fun part, just fucking around in front of a green screen. Then we took stock footage from our Fisherman film, layered that behind our green screen shot in Premier Pro and went to work keying. This is where I'm hazy on the subject - Gene's the one who does all our editing, I just watch from behind and give him my opinions on how things look. I learn a lot by watching, but he's the one actually doing the editing. Our results look pretty good for beginners. You can still spot our shadow/trouble areas and no amount of keying is helping this. It's the outlines of our bodies that are sticking out like a sore thumb. We look like those paperdoll cut outs I used to play with as a kid. There's still more we could play with in Premier Pro, but the night is falling late and it's Sunday before another long week of tedious work.

Our set-up for this green screen process is our camera and microphone stationed in front of our light tree (this is what houses the three lights aimed at the ceiling/upper areas of our green screen). We sit rather close to the camera so as to eliminate as many shadows behind us as possible. The closer we get to our green screen, the more you can see our shadows. We have a small lamp resting between our feet (it gets really hot!), not in front or behind as those also create shadows, but between so we're not stepping between the lights and our screen. And we have our bed lamps sitting on the ground in each corner of the green screen to eliminate those shadows. We've secured a mini-DVD player to our camera to act as our monitor so that we can see ourselves while we work. We're still playing with color and focus since we have no actual "camera guy" while we're both in front of the camera. We have yet to find the perfect balance, but today's work was mostly focused around our green screen and making sure it would actually work.

If at some point things become perfect, or close to perfect, I might write a little tutorial about it, but we'll see. I love writing, but it seems that time escapes me for the types of posts that could help others in their quest for great filmmaking. Maybe I'm just choking my own chicken and pumping myself up to sound like I know more about the subject than I really do. Besides, learning through trial and error is half the fun!

To all my friends on a Pagan Holiday: Blessed Lughnasadh. May your harvest be blessed a thousand times over and that you might see the results you were hoping for in any life circumstance. Blessed Be.

Tiger & Rose: Pre-production, Music

2010-07-29T21:29:00.000-06:00

07/29/2010

We started yesterday evening with nothing but the vocals and ended the night with a fully completed song (save for a couple of tonal issues which we resolved today). We thought our theme song was finished until we played it again after a week of not listening to it and it just sounded so empty. So, we decided to add some more music to our very thin song. On Tuesday, we added some drum beats and went to bed quite pleased with ourselves. Then on Wednesday, after work, we listed again and hated everything about those drum beats. We deleted what we had done and started over.

One thing that we've done for all of our art is to let the people whom you admire influence your work. We are constantly watching movies to see what types of shots certain directors like to use, or how the writing of a particular story goes. We admire many great people, but we hadn't thought to apply this logic to our song writing. We were flailing and it was frustrating. So, we found a few songs with the same tempo that we had picked for this particular one and started listening and realized that we were over thinking our music. We wanted to keep it simple the entire time, but we didn't know how. We didn't know how to even add a drum beat, but we were over complicating everything. Well, after listening to great music and taking some clues from these artists we were able to finish our song.

It works! It sounds like a complete piece of music! All coming from two people who's musical experience ended in 2000 after we left a theatre in Colorado for "brighter pastures." Who knew we could still hang on those those vocal talents and musical knowledge from junior high and high school where we each played an instrument - me a violin and Gene a trombone. I am pleased to say, there are no violins or trombones in this particular song. Maybe another song, but not our first.

We are now SO much closer to getting our project off the ground that I can already taste the satisfaction and success. Success in knowing that we did it and satisfaction in knowing that we're doing something with our regular boring lives.

I think tonight needs to be an early to bed night, since we've been burning the midnight oil and skipping our workouts all week just to get this shit written. Soon, my precious, we will go live!

A Weekend of Dance

2010-07-25T23:13:00.002-06:00

07/25/2010

I had a most fantastic weekend. It started on Friday when I got off of work at 3:30. I had to work late earlier in the week to make up my 40 hours, but once I hit 3:30, it was time to leave so as not to cost the company overtime. I rode my bike a few blocks away to attend a Polynesian dance workshop and my legs are STILL feeling the burn! Ever since I started belly dancing, in the fall of 2008, I had wanted to find out how to incorporate my Hawaiian Hula roots into my belly dancing. That was all answered on Friday during the first workshop of Fusion Fest, a festival that my belly dancing group (I should say former belly dance group, since I no longer dance with them) puts on every year. Two hours of hardcore hula mixed with Tahitian and I felt alive! I almost started crying when our Kupuna (instructor) Mali, started that Hawaiian music. For the first time since I was in second grade, I was hula dancing again. My favorite part was learning a Tahitian umi - that's the really fast hip circles the girls do that make your head spin - yeah, I learned how and I've been practicing ever since. I have ALWAYS wanted to know how to do that. And now I do, and I'm showing everyone who's got a second to spare.

Later that same evening, I watched my belly dance sisters perform and they were magnificent. I am so proud of the work they put into those dances. They made me wish I was still dancing with them, but at the same time I felt peace while sitting on the other side of the stage, just watching, not participating. I know what I'm doing with my life right now, and while I love the dance, that's not something that I can dedicate my time to. My time is with my projects which will be revealed shortly.

After the performance, I went to my girlfriend's house and we hung out for a couple of hours singing to Barenaked Ladies. It was awesome! Just drinking and singing. It was fun and what we were supposed to be doing at those very moments of Friday night, moving into Saturday morning. Nothing but singing.

On Saturday, Gene and I worked on our project and discovered that the theme song we were so proud of completing last weekend, is not ready. It's all a capella right now and when we listened to it for the first time after a week, we realized that it was empty. The moments when we're not singing are complete silence, and that's just fucking boring. So, it's *kinda* back to the drawing board - we need to learn how to play the drums, or something.

Late Saturday night, I went to another belly dance performance. This time I watched not only my sisters, but some amazing dancers from all over the Western US. Mali, our Polynesian instructor from Friday, performed and she just made me feel at home. Unmata, who are basically the mothers of fusion belly dancing, treated us to some spectacular dancing and made me realize again why I love this type of belly dancing. I can't even describe how great they were, you might just have to look them up on Youtube. Okay, I'll post it for you - this isn't from this weekend's event, but just something I found illustrating their awesomeness.

On Sunday, I woke up early to go to Goddessfest, our local Pagan festival, for a couple of hours with my girlfriend. Gene and I used to vend at this festival when we had our business, so it was nice to see how far the festival has come and to walk down a couple of old memories. I participated in my very first group ritual. Over five years of being Wiccan and I've never be apart of a group ritual. I'm a very solitary practitioner, but for some reason, today felt like the right day to do it with others. While it was a group ritual, I did a lot of internal work and found that it was more powerful when I concentrated only on myself - I even cried. The ritual lasted for about an hour, and it was in celebration of our upcoming holiday Lughnasadh, our first harvest Sabbat. The interesting thing about today's ritual, was that it is also an Esbat, the celebration of the Blessing Moon, the full moon of July. What a magikal day.

After Goddessfest, Gene and I went costume shopping for Tiger and Rose. I found some silly tops that will enhance one of my characters. I cannot WAIT for this thing to go live!!!

And that's that. Gene's been working on getting our song imported to the right program so that we can actually start adding some musical underscoring and we'll hopefully have that finished by the end of the week. August 1st, comes quickly, and that's the day I'm hoping for a launch. I guess we'll see...

Life

2010-07-20T21:27:00.000-06:00

07/20/2010

I guess you could say that I had a moment of clarity today. Clarity that everything in my life is alright with the world - I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

I got off of work late today due to an owner's meeting tomorrow that I have to make booklets for. Every night before the big meeting I have to stay late. This time I was hoping for the lateness due to a class I'm taking this Friday that starts at 4 PM; I don't get off of work until 5. I worked as SLOWLY as I possibly could and still couldn't keep myself there till 6:00. So, I clocked out at 5:42 and away I went...

The streets are less crowded only 45 minutes after that 5:00 rush and it was nice. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but I ride my bike to and from work every single day. I love it. It's my little time to myself, to feel the breeze on my sweaty body (it's 100 degrees around here right now) and laugh at the fuckers stuck in their cars. Today, I decided to listen to Pandora.com on my iPhone and a John Mayer song, Gravity, started playing. I really sank into the song, into my bike seat, and into the world around me. I noticed so many things that I don't normally notice: the way the sun peaked through the trees, the people floating the river, the butterfly that flew right in front of my nose, the squirrels and birds hopping along the ground. It was so beautiful and I got to experience that. It wasn't just a sight experience either; I smelled the air and the river; I felt the cool breeze; I listened to my music, which wasn't loud enough to block out the people's voices calling to each other as they ran by; and I became one with the Universe.

I realized that I was exactly where I was supposed to be at that moment. I realized that I AM exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for and so many wonderful things going for me. Sometimes, I just don't see it and I hate myself for those times, which occur so often, that I let my life pass me by.

If we can't be happy in every moment, then what the fuck is it all for? If not happy, at least at peace with ourselves. I am at peace. I am okay that I'm not as far as I would have liked to be in my film career at this age. I know that all the time I've spent doing what I consider to be stupid shit, I've made a difference in my life and the lives of some very special people. I am my life.

A quick update about our documentary: We didn't make the top-10 in the contest. I'm not sure how close or far we came. For the first time ever when dealing with a contest entry that doesn't win shit, I'm okay. I'm more than okay. We made a film! We helped tell our friend's story! We got back into this film making groove. Thank you all for voting and your support. It means a lot to all of us.

Hello Happiness

2010-07-19T21:03:00.000-06:00

07/19/2010

For the last week, or so, people have been telling me that I don't look like I feel well. This happens almost every morning: You look tired. You look pissed. You don't look good. Are you feeling okay?

I must have my frustrations written all over my face, because I'm not sick at all. And yes, I've been very tired lately - my midnight bedtime and 6 AM wake up call don't mesh - but I don't think I'm THAT tired. When one of the girls I work with pointed out the tiredness, I decided to be honest and say that yes, I am tired. Tired with work, tired with my home life (no marriage issues, just the fact that I have no time to do what I love to do), tired with everything going on in my head. I'm just tired. She nodded and said, "that makes sense."

This morning, one of the guys I work with, said that I don't look like I'm doing well. I guess the smiling, happy, sunshiny person they're used to greeting them at the door every morning no longer works there. I know what the problem is; I'm not happy when I spend my days working on things that don't matter to my life at all. My job is a fine job, but it's not what I want to do with my life, and try as I may I'm having a really hard time living in that moment that I wrote about yesterday. It's hard to enjoy yourself at work when you're thinking about all the things you would rather and could rather be doing. I recorded a fucking song yesterday! And all I wanted to do with my day was work on the rest of our project that goes along with that song. I am just so restless!

I ran into an old friend after work today. He caught me leaving through the employee entrance/exit doors and heading to my bike. We talked for a bit and he told me that I look really happy; the sincerity in his voice was unmistakable. Happy huh? I told him it was because he caught me right after I clocked out. It was time to go home, baby! I guess there is a happy chick that still lives here, she just sleeps for the nine hours that I'm at work.

Tiger & Rose: Pre-Production, Music

2010-07-18T22:29:00.000-06:00

07/18/2010

IT IS FINISHED!!!

For a couple of people who aren't very musically inclined, I'd say we did one hell of a job today. We recorded the opening theme song to our project!! Wow.

The picture included in this post is of our ghetto sound booth. An old tri-fold-fake-wall-thingy (I never know what those are called) wrapped in our comforter. It was placed in the corner of our bedroom with our microphone sitting just in front of the fake-wall, we stood in the corner and sang our little hearts out, while our laptop recorded magic in the making. I'm impressed with our genius. The recording, to our surprise, sounds wonderful! Especially considering we wrote the entire damn thing - words, notes, everything! We never got "the one," but I think we would have been recording all day if we had waited for that perfect recording... all for a 30-second sound byte. So, we're taking what we can get and perhaps someday in the future, we'll improve it. For now, we are another step closer to revealing exactly what the fuck kind of project it is that we're working on.

In the midst of this project, I'm training myself to live in the moment and appreciate what is going on in my life - especially those things that I can't control. My girlfriend opened my eyes to it last Saturday at a party we had. She, her boyfriend, Gene, I, and another friend, all sat in the garage waiting for a major summer thunder storm to pass. We were drinking, laughing, and watching the rain fall. At one point, I reached for my phone and said, "What time is it?"

My girlfriend grabbed my hand, and said, "It doesn't matter." We stood there, staring at each other, like we often do for no reason at all, and I put my phone away. Gene sat there nodding and put away his phone too. Turns out it was after 3 AM, but we were enjoying the moment, living life, and not paying attention to the time. It was beautiful.

Since that moment, I've been doing my best to not care so much about the shit that's going on in my life that really doesn't matter. There are things that we all have to do - grocery shopping comes quickly to mind - that we just plain don't want to waste our time on, but we must because we have to eat. So, I go about my grocery shopping business, and I don't get frustrated at the people that won't get out of my way, and I don't get disgusted by the kids that have to touch all the fruits and vegetables with their dirty hands (this is actually a real problem for me that I've been struggling with for years), and I accept that I am grocery shopping and once that's finished, then I can get on with other more important things in my life. This new way of looking at things is a process, as I did find myself frustrated at the fact that it seemed to take FOREVER to get through the store on Saturday, but that just taught me that maybe I should get up earlier and finish my shopping before 10 AM. How does that sound? Pretty fucking good.

Last night, my girlfriend and I went dancing with a few of our friends. We walked to the club from my house (it's about a mile-and-a-half) and enjoyed the fresh night air. We emptied out a couple of plastic water bottles and filled them with beer to make the walk a little more enjoyable. I think this walk is something we should do every weekend that we go dancing - it just makes things relaxing. After 2 AM, when the club kicked us out, our friend drove us home. My girlfriend left her car at my house so she wouldn't have to worry about driving and I told her it wouldn't be a problem - I had nowhere to go today.

Unfortunately, the new bathing suit that I bought myself on Saturday was the wrong size. I thought for sure I put the right size in my cart, but low and behold, I went to wash the damn thing and realized I had failed. No biggie, I'll just return it today, I thought, it'll only take a minute. But wait, my girlfriend's car was blocking mine in the driveway. She doesn't have time to pick it up until Monday morning. At that moment, I realized that I was again practicing my new found way of living. It doesn't matter that you have the wrong size suit, you're not going swimming today, the right size will be at the store another day, today you must work on your project.

And so we finished our song.

Invictus

2010-07-17T11:20:00.001-06:00

07/17/2010

I don't like to combine personal and work at all, but Gene has convinced me that with my extra time at work (sometimes hours on end) I should start writing for myself. So, I tried it on Thursday. The story was inspired by a lady I had passed in the hallway at work. I knew where I wanted the story to go, but I just couldn't get it there with all the phone and people needing assistance interruptions. It was very difficult to keep a train of thought and tell a full story. I managed to end the story, however, and while it didn't go where I had originally envisioned it, I did conclude it. I'm not going to post it, it's incredibly lame, but I did have my first day of learning what it feels like to combine personal and work, and write with never ending interruptions.

We watched "Invictus" last night. The film about Nelson Mandela and his love for his country and rugby, starring Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon, directed by Clint Eastwood. It was a very powerful movie. It reminded me that nothing in life is as important as it seems. The instances where someone pisses you off. What difference does that really make in your life? NOTHING. The frustrations that you face when you can't find something to wear to work in the morning. IT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is you and that you're doing something to better your life and at the same time, bettering the lives of others through you. It's a simple concept. The poem that was often repeated in this movie was "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley, written in 1875:

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

We will forever be the only masters of our fate and the only captains of our souls. Let's start living as if we cared that much about ourselves.

No credit, but I don't care

2010-07-12T21:41:00.001-06:00

07/12/2010

Well, apparently, I can't get a credit card. I canceled my other card last week because they raised my APR due to one late payment in all these years that I've had it. The lateness was due to nothing but pure memory-loss. I just forgot to pay it. I squeezed in two days later, but when I called to get it changed, they said I couldn't do that. When I told them that I'll never use their card again, the bitch on the other end of the line said "well, that's your decision, ma'am." I'm not sure what hurt worse, her complete unwillingness toward any sort of customer service, or the fact that she called me a fucking ma'am. I attempted tonight to get another card, but I was DENIED. Bloody fucking economy. That's what I'm blaming it on. Doesn't someone want my money? Jackasses.

Am I the only one around here who can't find time to do much of anything after work? We didn't go to the gym today because Gene had to pickup his new iPhone at FedEx after work. So, technically (since I didn't go with him) I had an extra hour-and-a-half after work to do shit. But I still could not get anything done to save my life. At least the dishes are now clean and we had a decent meal. It doesn't seem that I get any motivation to do anything until about 9 PM anyway. One does have to decompress after work. And that decompression seems to fizzle out around 9, when I'm ready to get started on any project. Just give it to me, I'm ready to go. But, oh, wait! I have to shower then go to bed by 10! Mother fucker! That never happens, 11:30 seems to be a popular time around here, but still.

When we made the decision to go forward with our business full time, it was a major decision. No more working a "real" job, while trying to run a business. We had to take the plunge to devote all our time to our business, and so we did. I'm not sure how we made it work, but we survived. We're at the point with our film projects that nothing will get done unless we can devote our entire lives to it. And then there's the responsible adult sneaking around and reminding us that if we quit our jobs and make a go at our film projects, we will fall flat on our face within a couple of weeks when rent and bills are due. So we keep working at our jobs, while watching time slowly slip away, and 9 PM waits to arrive and give us that push toward doing something with our projects, followed quickly by bedtime. Fuck this shit! I am not needed at work 40 hours a week, my checking account definitely feels that I'm needed 40 hours, by my mind is screaming when I'm done doing anything of importance two hours after I arrive.

I read all those zodiac sign things that say what's the best type of job for an Aries, or someone with a fire personality, and these are answers I've known for years. I can't sit still, I need to keep moving, I need to actually work, I need to work on my own projects, I need to be in charge, I need to keep myself motivated.

Speaking of not sitting still, this post has taken forever because I have the best dance mix going on with Pandora right now, and I keep getting up to practice my moves. Gotta keep the blood pumping and the body moving, friends. No sitting, reach for the stars, and all your dreams will come true.

Accomplished

2010-07-11T23:11:00.000-06:00

07/11/2010

We had a great BBQ on Saturday evening. I think it's the first real party that Gene and I have thrown since our wedding over six years ago. It was very chill and I hope everyone that came enjoyed themselves. I know I sure did! I think they did, the last people left around 3:30 in the morning, so that's saying something. We all sat in the yard drinking and talking and just being. The sky was clear and it was a beautiful summer evening. We were even graced with a summer thunder and lightening storm. Ahhh... fantastic.

Today was spent doing the typical Sunday thing - shopping, laundry, and cleaning. But in the midst of it all, Gene and I came up with some ideas for our show, Tiger and Rose. I love that the creative bug can just flow through our veins at the same time. There's something about this relationship that keeps us working together and creating. It's pretty unique.

I called my parents tonight to ask them about an upcoming trip that they want us to take and my dad told me something I've been waiting to hear my entire life. He said that he and my mom know that Gene and I work hard to reach our goals. They understand the struggles that we face and the dedication that it takes to keep following our dreams after all these years. They're proud of me for keeping up with the film making dream. I almost cried.

After our conversation I came up with the most brilliant idea for Tiger and Rose. And also for a small documentary that I think we might just need to make. The documentary was actually my dad's idea, I've just elaborated on it since then. Things are shaping up to become something and I am thrilled to be a part of my life! Not just watching and waiting for something to happen, but pursuing and making something happen. I always thought that I'd be making Hollywood films by now, but things don't always work out the way we want them to. At least I'm afforded the opportunity to make films and create as much as I am able. I may never make Hollywood films, but I will die trying.

Center of the Universe

2010-07-10T10:45:00.000-06:00

07/10/2010

You're going along just fine, everything is honky-dory, and then BAM! someone comes up along side of you and bashes you over the head with a list of all the selfish things you've done to them over the last some-odd years. Never mind all the unselfish things you did, those are quickly forgotten when someone's panties get all wadded up and start sliding up the ass crack, and you dig, and you dig, and you just can't pull them out to get comfortable. Yeah, I'm talking about that kind of bullshit.

I'm not old, but I'm no longer a spring chicken, and over the years I have come to realize that there are relationships that don't need work because they just work. These relationships just happen and it is so blissful. Those relationships that need to be coddled and babied and wrapped in a blanket and sung to sleep are no longer worth my time. There's nothing resting there to make a good relationship if you have to walk on eggshells and apologize for every little moment that you don't spend thinking about this other person.

Take a look at our lives! We're human! We're selfish! We think about ourselves because in the end we are the only ones who know what's truly in our hearts and what we truly need in this lifetime to be happy and survive. I think of so many people throughout my day, but I can't just devote all my fucking time to certain individuals. It would drive me insane. Besides, I'd never get my own shit done - I'd probably never go to the gym to work on MY body, I'd probably not even go to work to make money to buy MY groceries. I'd just sit there thinking about other people and that's no way to live. Now, I know that's what my cats do when instinct doesn't set in and their mind is on one thing and one thing only - CATCH THAT FUCKING SQUIRREL - but other than those instinctual moments, I know they're living their life for me. I'm that important.

See how ridiculous that sounds? To even set up a situation in which your own cats think about you non-stop? It doesn't happen. Our parents don't even think about us that often, trust me, I've been told. I am not the center of the Universe, and neither is anyone else. I read a cute little quote the other day that said something like:

A man says to the Universe, "I am the center of the Universe." And the Universe says, "Nice to meet you, I AM the Universe, now kindly step back bitch before I crush you."

I'm sure that's not even close to what I read, but you get the gist of it. I like the crushing part, I added that myself. ;)

No Solitaire

2010-07-07T22:25:00.000-06:00

07/07/2010

I wrote a really long rant about myself, but turned it into a private post that I may or may not ever revisit.

Sometimes, all I can say is fuck-it. FUCK-IT ALL! In the most amazingly humorous way of course! I wore my great tank-top today. It reads: Silly Blonde! Brains are for Brunettes! The last time I wore this tank, I had completely forgotten when I ordered some lunch at a fast-food joint. The chick taking our order was blond and gave me the worst stink-eye I've ever seen in my life. I had no idea what her problem was until I looked down at myself.

Friendships are fickle things. One wrong move and you've destroyed a friendship forever. Or maybe it's a number of wrong moves built up over time, whatever it is, a destroyed friendship is never fun to deal with. I don't know if it hurts more as I get older, or less. I can't remember how I felt when I lost friendships when I was younger, although I do think all the losses broke my heart. Maybe it's because we're older now and have very few friends to begin with. Or we have a lot of friends, but even the loss of one in those hundreds of friends is tough to deal with. Sometimes friendships just run it's course and they end over nothing in particular. People just stop talking and one day you realize it's over. Which reminds me, I have A SHIT TON of people that I need to write to. It's all in a matter of time.

Every day that I go to work I realize that I will have spent eight more hours of my life and my day doing things for other people. Sometimes I think that I should use a few minutes of company time to write an email to someone, but it never feels right. And it's not that I'd be stealing time from the company. It's that I cannot do anything personal at work! Nothing! I feel too violated. I have a desk and a computer, but I don't have my own office. I sit at the hub of two different companies filtering people as they walk through the door. Anyone and everyone could get into my business if they wanted to. Speaking of, I hope I hid those keys well enough that I'm supposed to ship to someone in butt-fuck-Canada tomorrow. It would suck if they were missing from one of my drawers when I got in tomorrow. So, because my space is constantly being violated and I just don't want to involve any of my personal life at work, I don't do personal things there. No emails to people who have been in my mind but off my writing fingers for far too long, no working on my books or scripts, no playing solitaire.

Anyway, it's about time I took a shower and got into bed. This post is not nearly as funny as the one I deleted, but I chose to not offend anyone, and to keep my shitty-funny thoughts to myself.

CAMPING!

2010-07-06T22:03:00.000-06:00

07/06/2010

We went camping over the weekend and it was oh-so-wonderful! We both had a three-day weekend and decided to spend it out in the woods away from other people. We left on Friday night to get a good spot and it was raining when we left. Well, the place we had picked was about an hour-and-a-half north-west of us, so we thought maybe, just maybe, it wasn't raining up there. Nope. We got there in the rain, unpacked in the rain, and slept in the rain. That's alright, we just made up for it the next day by drinking a lot.

We usually like to do the whole primitive camping thing - you know, shit in the woods and bury it sort of camping. I'm not particularly fond of that, but sometimes it just beats the fucking outhouse. Can I get an agreement on this one? We camped at a developed campground with a water pump, two outhouses, and people with kids. ...people with kids. The crying baby that first night just added to what felt like misery in the rain. We got the last spot that Friday, but by mid-afternoon on Saturday, half the campground had packed up and left. They left four groups of campers, all in the same area.

What is it about camping that makes people so "friendly?" EVERYONE wanted to talk to us. Everyone wanted to wish us a Happy 4th. Everyone wanted to be our friend. Were they just after our beer? Or the solitude we were providing ourselves with not camping with a bunch of kids? Whatever it was, it got annoying. But that's okay, we just kept drinking.

We decided to come home a day early, mostly because we didn't bring enough money to pay for a third night, but also we wanted to be home for our kitties on the loudest night in America. I'm so glad that we made that decision. Turns out that the fireworks show was being hosted at the park RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO OUR HOUSE! How the fuck did I miss this? We had cars parking on our lawn and people walking right past our front door just to get to the park. It was ridiculous. I made Gene turn the sprinkler on.

Our neighbors invited us to watch the fireworks with them from the front yard, but we politely declined to watch "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus." I'm still trying to figure out what we were supposed to take from the movie. I'm not sure if I just didn't get some of it, or if I was too distracted by the fugly people walking past my window and the fireworks BOOMING right overhead.

The next day was a quiet one indeed and a success when you don't find any drunks in your front yard and all the cars gone. Next year, we'll be better prepared with our bear traps.

A Night of Plenty

2010-07-01T23:06:00.000-06:00

07/01/2010

So, I think I drank two shots too many tonight. Still working on the water, which I started over an hour ago. I've made quite a few friends at work in the short amount of time that I've worked there, and I couldn't be happier. Although, I guess 9 months is a very long time for someone like me who's never stayed at a job for more than two years. But I've met a few people who I can go out with and have a good time with at any given moment. Tonight, was a friend's 33rd birthday and I was the only one of her work-friends who showed up. Score one for me! I'd already had two beers before I left the house - it's cheaper to drink at home - then had a beer at Old C's to be polite. Then my friend and her sister, and another friend, bought me two shots. Then we went to another bar... and they bought me another beer. Now, I'm just waiting for the buzz to wear off so I can go to bed and wake up on time and refreshed and ready for another day at work.

It was a fun night on the town with people I wouldn't normally hang out with. The friendship I've formed with this girl at work is shallow to say the most. We know each others' names and we sometimes eat lunch together. We chat in the hall and say "have a good night" when we pass each other in the smoker's section as I head to my bike after work. Aside from that, we hardly even know how old the other person is (save from the revelations we made tonight), so it was really fucking awesome to go out with three people that I HARDLY KNOW and actually have a good time with them. I love meeting new people, and I haven't done this in so long. It was nice and it was a great night.

I'd share about the obscure things that happened to us tonight, but as I sober up, I'm not quite sure how to retell anything without ending it in a "you should have been there" type of phrase. My friend met a guy on a bike and we walked with him for a couple of blocks while they determined that if they were to ever date, fate would bring them together again. And she met another guy, that she and her sister somehow knew, who tried to fix her brand new shoe for her, but ended up tearing it apart and we had to find duct tape at the next bar. I ran into an old coworker who, when I asked him if he remembered me, he said that of course he did, because one of our other coworkers keep talking about me. (I almost Freudian slipped that by saying "stalking" instead of talking.) Funny stuff, but I'm not sure how to retell the story except the way I just did.

Sometimes, I think we just need nights where we hang out with random people that we normally wouldn't hang out with, or people we'd just met only moments before. It makes us realize that we're all connected in some way with every single person that we pass on the street. It allows us to open our hearts for new relationships, and experience life in it's very raw form.

Lights Out & Paper Airplanes

2010-06-30T21:37:00.000-06:00

06/30/2010

The electricity went out at work today. The story of it isn't nearly as exciting as it could be. I was on my lunch break with a few friends and all of a sudden the lights went out. Turns out it was the entire building. From there, we discovered that it was a few city blocks - a tree fell. Earlier in the day a goose flew into an electrical something-or-other and shut the power down in the same area. I hadn't left for work yet to experience that power outage. We waited outside for about 10 minutes and it all came back on. See? Not exciting... at... all. BORING!

Toward the end of the day, one of my coworkers was sent to me because he was told that I have a closet full of ink cartridges. Umm... nope. None that I am aware of, I kind of think it was a small prank on me. As we stood talking another coworker was hanging around and I'd handed him a scrap piece of paper for no reason at all. He turned it into a paper airplane. I had to get in on the action too. I made an airplane that both men claimed would not fly. Why? Because a girl made it? Probably. But I was schooled in the art of paper airplane making by my grandfather who showed us how to fix the nose so it wouldn't poke anyone's eye out. Then we would practice for hours off the staircase in their house. I, personally, think mine flew the best. Since one of the gentlemen I was playing with was the head of security, he said that we could go on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in Boise to test out our masterpieces. We ended up not making a trek to the roof, but the idea was there and it's stored away for a future paper airplane contest.

So, yeah, aside from those two exciting things, nothing much happened today. Something VERY exciting is going on in my company, but as one of the only people charged with keeping secrets around there, I'm not allowed to say. I will say, however, that I get to meet some interesting people who's names you've probably heard of before. I am the secret-keeper, the gate-keeper, and the phone-answerer. I'm attempting to love every moment of my life, including my job, while I pursue that which is deepest in my heart.

Kids Suck

2010-06-29T21:36:00.001-06:00

06/29/2010

Not much happened at work today. That's a good thing. No excitement is always a good thing, although it does mean that the day was boring and it dragged on forever.

I'm considering writing a book about my exploits as a married, semi-white, female who likes to dance at gay clubs on the weekends. The more I think about this idea, the more I have to write about. People treat you differently depending on the dancing situation that you find yourself in. Most of the time I can be found dancing with my girlfriend and it never fails that these dudes who think they're hotter than shit try to get in between us. If I was dancing with a guy, they would never try it, but they see two chicks together and their brain starts forming all sorts of ideas with them in the middle. It's annoying, but these little instances are making one hell of a good story.

Since it's gotten warm and stopped raining here in Boise, Gene and I have started eating lunch together in the park. It's half-way between my job and his job, so we meet at a picnic table and spend an hour outside, enjoying being away from work while we savor our food. I love our little nooners. Today, a large group of children came and sat near us. They seemed to be a part of some summer school program. The way these kids behaved and how the teachers reacted to their behavior was appalling! Do these children know no discipline? They were hitting each other with sticks (one pretended his stick was a gun), two boys (one who looked like a young Corey Feldman) kept getting into fights, one boy called another girl a lesbian, and the teachers just kept yawning and saying "stop" in a very unenthusiastic manner. Is this how elementary school rolls now? I remember when a stern look from a teacher got all the kids in class to shut the fuck up. I cannot believe how mean some of these kids were acting and how no one tried to stop them! I guess that's why I'm not a teacher, nor have I ever wanted to be one except in 4th grade when I went insane for a year and thought being a teacher would be totally cool.

A New Job Duty

2010-06-28T22:18:00.001-06:00

06/28/2010

Today was a different type of day. I started out not feeling very grounded. In fact, I felt spiritually violated due to some comments made on one of my forums. I'm over it - perhaps the poster wasn't even talking about me, but there are times when you can just feel someone's words directed right at you. Well, I have a heart and I do my best, but I can't be everyone's best friend. I'm hardly my best friend at times and that's rough.

My job today was fairly boring for the most part. My main duties include answering phones and being everyone's assistant. Well, sometimes there just aren't enough calls to answer or assisting to do to really make anyone think my time there is valid. At 2 PM one of my bosses actually started asking me how long I was staying at work today. Excuse me? I work 8-5, this shit better not be shortening during the fucking summer. How long am I staying at work today? Fucking stupid-ass question if you ask me. I only leave early on Fridays if I've stayed late during any other portion of the week - today was Monday. There's no way I could have racked up 40 hours in a single day.

Around 4 PM, a different boss asked me if I've ever used a Mac. My quick answer was "no, never touched one in my life." He said, "well, it can't be that hard, follow me." We walked to a co-worker's office and he showed me the editing computer they use for their promotional footage and asked if I've ever worked with Final Cut. Again, my answer was no, but it looks very similar to Adobe Premier Pro that Gene and I do use for our own projects. Then my boss told me that he wants to move the Mac up to my desk so that when I'm not answering phones I can edit video for the company. Uh. Cool?

I have two opinions when it comes to this offer. YES, YES, YES! I get to actually work with film and get paid for it! But, it's not a new job title, not even a new job, just added job duties to my already existing ones. Right now, that's fine, the summer is usually a very slow time for our company. But what's going to happen when September rolls around and we start to get insanely busy? My second opinion is NO, NO, NO! People get paid a shitload of money to edit film, even these small promotional 5-minute videos that are going on their website. I have a skill, a skill that could be put to good use and could make me a lot of money. Do I sell out just because it'll give me more to do this summer and I'll be doing something I love? Or do I stand my ground and say that there has never been another assistant in the history of any assisting job who's had to edit film for the same rate of pay as all the other assistants in the world? Okay, that's probably taking it a little too far, I'm sure SOMEONE'S had to do that for their regular pay and I have a feeling that there are some assistants out there (ahem...production assistants) that get paid a lot more than me. But it kinda makes me feel like a push-over if I accept the added job responsibilities without the added pay.

I would love to do it, but I'm split down the middle as someone who needs to stand her ground for once in her life and not get taken advantage of. I'm worth something in this world even if a lot of people don't see that. Or maybe they do see it, they just know I'll say yes because I obviously like making movies. It's not a secret. This is all just me speculating - they haven't said anything about pay, but I'm assuming that there is no pay increase - this is just going to become something I do. The company I work for is wonderful and I am so thankful that this boss, and the co-worker who's taking all the credit for suggesting me, is recognizing my potential, but the red flags go up when there's a possibility of people taking advantage of my kindness and willingness to do anything that involves film.

I guess the real answer is: I'll do it if I don't have to answer the goddamn phones any more.

What do you guys think? Take it or leave it? Or am I prematurely ejaculating about it all? They haven't even moved the computer to my desk yet.

Tiger & Rose: Pre-Production Music

2010-06-27T21:38:00.000-06:00

06/27/2010

I don't write music. I can play, or pretend to play, the piano and violin, but I don't write. Today however, I wrote some music! I've been struggling with this for months. Gene helped me with the melody, but the harmonies have been kicking my ass. Today I changed a single note and it all fell into place. Funny how that happens. Once that single note was tweaked, I was able to put the harmony in (at least for the beginning of the song) and it sounds splendid. Not the best music anyone will ever hear, but it's pretty damn good for someone who doesn't write.

Now, it's time to get ready for bed, for tomorrow brings another start to the work week, where I feel like I'm wasting my time. At least I have a job - I am so grateful that I have a steady income in this economy. Although just to state that sounds like a cliche. What has this world become? That to say "in this economy" makes it sound like I'm jumping on some type of bandwagon. Fucking economy. Someday none of us will have to worry about it. Someday my Monday will start at 3 AM, on set, getting ready to shoot a movie.

Wrapping up our documentary

2010-06-23T22:11:00.003-06:00

06/23/2010

I mentioned previously that Gene and I had a difficult time with this documentary. A lot of it was working with people who had never worked on a film before - we had people clam up in front of the camera, and clown up in front of the camera, so it was hard to really get what we wanted out of our "subjects." We learned a lot through the process though, mostly what not to do in the future. I've been involved in a documentary so I had an idea of how to conduct the interviews, but I wasn't able to really make it work. I think the reasons were because I was interviewing people that I work with. I interviewed two of my bosses, both presidents of the company(ies) I work for, a gentleman who I work with, and a gentleman who I've had to treat as a guest/customer at our vicinity. So, everyone had a previous working relationship with me, and considering that two of them sign my paycheck, I couldn't approach them as the hard-ass documentary interviewer that I should have been. You know what though? Working in this environment will just make it easier when I'm working on my own documentary that doesn't involve ANYONE that I know on a boss-to-subordinate ratio. It will be a lot easier.

The other problems we had with this documentary was the question of how do we present it in a respectful manner? Our friend, Sean, approached us about it and said that he was ready to tell his story. If you haven't seen the documentary, I urge you to spend 2 minutes of your time (that you won't get back) watching it. Then you'll get an idea as to what I'm talking about. Sean has muscular dystrophy and the contest this documentary was made for is about the hardest working person in America. Sean has some major physical limitations, so our angle and approach to his story was that while he may not be the hardest working person in America, he works as hard as he can considering his situation. Given these circumstances, how do you tell a story about someone's life in two-minutes, and be respectful about his situation? How do you keep yourself from shoving his MD into the faces of our audience members, but at the same time making sure that they're not left wondering why he's in a wheelchair and why we think he's hard working? It was tough because it's a sensitive subject when it's not on film, now we're presenting it to the world.

We've gotten good reactions on our version though, so I'm guessing that we presented it well. My girlfriend, who's known Sean for about 13 years, had her reaction written on her face that she thought we shared his story in the best light possible. One of his employees told him that the film made her laugh and cry. He's getting great responses from friends and the people he works with on his facebook page - all telling him what a compelling story it is. He and I have already talked about a longer version, using all new footage of course, and waiting for different events to come to our Arena so that we can show them off. While this project is very different compared to anything we've produced before, I feel that we did the best that we could. I'm proud of my friend.

Vote for Sean!

2010-06-22T21:20:00.001-06:00

06/22/2010

Here it is! Our documentary. Don't forget to visit this page every day to vote for Sean as the hardest working event manager in America.

Thanks for all your support and pass it on if you feel compelled.

Love,
Me

If the little picy-pic down there doesn't work, you can just visit this link: http://jepijmlnvy0.mitchumhardestworking.com/

Post-Production Day 3,4,5,etc.: Short Documentary

2010-06-21T21:41:00.001-06:00

06/21/2010

I lost count of our days, but I know we worked on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and Gene finally uploaded the film this evening after work. We're just waiting for it to get approved before we start hounding everyone for votes.

I think it's good. It's very different from anything else we've made because, obviously, it's a documentary, and we mostly specialize in comedies. Although there was that one film about suicide - that was a toughy.

Yesterday I surprised Gene with tickets to see "Star Wars in Concert." IT.WAS.AMAZING!!! My job definitely has it's perks. One of the sales people asked me one day if I like Star Wars. I was hesitant because admitting that you're a fan is almost like discussing religion - you just don't. She finally got me to say yes then offered me two tickets. Gene had no idea what was going on until we were greeted at the arena doors by Darth Vader. Then we saw a young Princess Leia running around with some Jedi's and that's when the smile on his face couldn't hide his geekgasms. "Star Wars in Concert" is a huge (maybe 100-piece) orchestra that plays all the songs from Star Wars with parts of the six movies playing in the background. They had a small light show and Anthony Daniels, who played C3PO, was the emcee of the show. It was so fantastic and whether you're a huge fan or not, you'd appreciate that live music. Everyone must go see it!

I played violin and viola for a number of years in elementary school and junior high. I quit when I got to high school because our school didn't have it's own orchestra and I chose not to get bussed to our rival school and miss some of my other classes. I'm not quite sure what possessed me to say no, but I'm sad that I did. My favorite part of the entire show was watching those violinists in sync with each other, bowing their hearts out to the famous sounds of John Williams' Star Wars music. Bliss. I think it's about time I picked up that violin again...

On Saturday I joined my girlfriend in a tiny town of about three population to watch her ex-husband get married. It was a beautiful setting and the ceremony seemed perfect for the two people I don't really know. I went to be with my friend and support her oldest son as he gave his dad away. We got burnt to a crisp, but it was well worth the time we spent in the sun enjoying beers and just talking with each other while her kids played nearby. This is a friendship that she and I have been working on for many years and it wasn't until I shut my business that I was able to recognize what a special person she is. She waited five years for me to realize that there was more to life than work and that some friendships are worth the wait. Other things in both our lives have drawn us closer in the last several months and despite the heart-wrenching shit, I am thankful that we've become so close. She's the one I wrote about back in March who I got a matching tattoo with. I won't even do that for my husband!

It was a good weekend, full of friendship, love, and movie making. Now that this documentary is over, I'm not quite sure where we're going to go next. We know what project we'd like to press our fingernails into, but I think we're both a little lost as to where to start. There are still steps we need to take - such as finishing and perfecting our theme song for this project - but I think there are still parts to this that are untold. I'm not quite sure what we're waiting for, but it's something... something major that needs to get out of the way before we continue forward. We'll still work toward it, I'm hoping to find time to get my harmonies straight on our song tomorrow night, but there's something missing. Maybe all we're waiting for is the other person to get off their fucking ass and just get moving. What I do know is that this documentary was just the start to getting our film making lives back in the right order. We're motivated and ready for some major fucking action.

LIGHTS! CAMERA! ACTION!

AND A BLESSED SUMMER SOLSTICE TO ALL.

Post-Production Day 2: Short Documentary

2010-06-17T22:41:00.000-06:00

06/17/2010

We managed to fit 64 minutes of footage into 1 minute and 59.11 seconds. YESSSS! Our time frame is 2 minutes and this is the first time we've actually come in under our requirements on our first try. Either we're getting really good, or we just have nothing to work with. ;-)

It's still the toughest project we've had to work on. With any of our other projects, it's all fiction - we wrote it and we got to determine what every single person in our film said. With this documentary, we had no control over the things people said or did. We could have, but didn't realize it at the time. I attempted to direct our interviews so that the people we were interviewing said what I wanted them to say, but I didn't push as hard as I probably should have. In fact, they didn't say anything I wanted them to say, but it's lying if you write the interviews of a documentary. Oh well, every project is a learning experience and this is just preparing us for our next documentaries. I've been wanting to make a specific documentary for years, but never had a full idea of how to go about it. I'm still confused about it and trying to determine how to proceed, but this current project definitely helps shape my ideas and send me in the right direction.

Tomorrow night, we tweak. We'll take what we've got and smooth it out and turn it into gold. We'll also add our filler clips to sit over our voice-overs AKA interviews. This will be fun as we'll get to illustrate what our friend does for a living. And you'll also get to see where I work! Since, this documentary does take place in my workplace.

The Seattle Anniversary Trip!

2010-06-16T22:08:00.001-06:00

06/16/2010

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. I can't believe how long Gene and I have been together and yet I spent all fucking day thinking about him and what a wonderful person he is. I never pegged myself for a romantic, but I guess I do have my moments.

Our weekend started out with an eight hour drive to Seattle to surprise a buddy of mine from high school. He just received his masters in teaching and his family was throwing him a graduation BBQ. His wife and a few of our friends from high school knew I was coming and we all managed to keep it a secret. The look on his face when I got out of the car was awesome. I love surprising people! After his BBQ, I headed to Seattle to meet my dear friend from high school at a bar called The Bus Stop. We had drinks and talked about love, which transitioned into our love to try all sorts of things in this lifetime, including filmmaking. I think I see a future project with this man and I cannot wait.

On Sunday we had breakfast with my Aunt, cousin, and my cousin's husband at a bar in Redmond. We always have sooo much fun when we're together. I love these people more than words can say and I always make it a point to see them on my trips back to that area. I find it truly amazing how our lives have changed and we have grown, yet at the same time we seem to have A SHIT TON in common when it comes to our ideals.

Once breakfast was eaten, we said our goodbyes and Gene and I headed to his brother's house. We are so thankful to them for letting us hang this weekend. We spent some time at the Seattle Center just walking around and watching their children play. They have such cute kids and I love being an Auntie to them! When the walking was done and dinner was on our minds, we headed back to their place for a BBQ and a game called rummikub. The next morning, Gene and I had to be up early because his sister-in-law runs a montessori preschool in their basement. You know us and kids... I just think it's super funny that the two people who are not partial to kids spent a couple of nights sleeping in a preschool. Well, not really, but the imagery is there.

On Monday morning, Gene and I walked three miles to get to a cafe in Woodinville. My legs are STILL killing me, but it was worth it. We needed the exercise anyway, since we usually run a mile every day after work and haven't had the chance to do that since we started shooting this documentary. I think we'll get back to the gym next Monday - at least I hope so anyway. After our six mile walk, in total, we dragged ourselves to the Redhook Brewery for their $1 beer tour. Hells-to-the-mother-fuckin-yeah! It was awesome! The beer was good, we learned a lot about brewing, and also got a little tipsy. We'd never toured a brewery before and I believe that this will be the start of our brewery touring tour - we should take this trip on the road throughout the US. YES! New idea!

After the tour, we went to Pikes Place Market, the one place I need to visit every time I'm in town. We made a few purchases, walked a lot, had dinner at Ivars, then walked some more to take us to the Paramount Theatre where we saw Imogen Heap.

Seriously, if you ever get the chance to see this brilliant artist perform, I highly recommend it. She was well worth the drive, well worth the money, and well worth all the walking, and standing for 2 hours straight in a crowded theatre. She really pulls you in and makes you feel like she's performing just for you. She's a solo artist - everything you hear on her albums is ALL her. So, when we bought these tickets we weren't quite sure what to expect. She did have a band with her - a drummer, guitarist, bassist, and a couple of violinists - but no back up singers. She would start singing her harmony, LIVE, then loop her voice before singing the melody. UNBELIEVEABLE! She inspired both of us to continue with our dreams, because she proved that even one person can do everything that they set their mind to, they just have to figure out how.

I leave you with one of my favorite songs of hers from her album "Speak for Yourself."

Post-Production Day 1: Short Documentary

2010-06-09T21:34:00.000-06:00

06/09/2010

And so we start the editing portion. We watched all 60 minutes of our footage today and I'm quite pleased with what we got. As always there's shit we can't use, but I know that we can tweak it enough, cut it and move it enough, to get an end result that will be as perfect as can be. Which is never really perfect - there's always room for improvement.

I'm not sure that we'll get all the editing done before the week ending. I'm taking my girlfriend out for drinks tomorrow night before her world is interrupted again next week. On Friday she, Gene, and I are going to a lesbian bachelorette party - the first for all three of us. And this weekend is already booked up with shit to do and not enough time to do it.

At least we're back in the movie making business. It's been a long time, my friends, but we're back.

Production Day 5: Short Documentary

2010-06-08T22:16:00.000-06:00

06/08/09

That's a wrap!

I finished our shoot at about 3:40 PM today. Did some interviewing on my lunch break, then shot a contract signing around 3:30. BAM, BAM, & BAM! Tomorrow, should all go well getting our friend into our house, we will start the editing process.

One of my bosses asked me today if I needed anything to do to keep me busy. For some fucked up reason, he didn't think I looked busy enough with the mounds of papers on my desk for filing and the emails I was in the middle of writing. Thanks, asshole, way to make me feel like a piece of shit. Someday, I will work for myself again.

Production Day 3 & 4: Short Documentary

2010-06-07T20:44:00.001-06:00

06/07/2010

Saturday evening's shoot went smoothly with no hiccups. We almost had to cancel it due to a sickness by the guy who we're making this documentary about, but he managed to make it out and we were done within a half hour so he could get home and get some much needed rest. We decided to skip Sunday's shoot and move it to tonight after work. It went well! I think we got some amazing shots that may or may not shock our audience - we'll see. Tomorrow we'll continue shooting and hopefully finish up with his interviews and another short clip that we can throw in under some voice overs. Possibly I'll shoot on Thursday - if we have enough tape - and editing will start right quick. This is a quick project, definitely worth the time and effort that we're all putting into it.

Yesterday was the company picnic for work. I had envisioned it being something akin to the picnic on "The Office," without discovering that I'm pregnant, of course! The rain kept the amount of attendees down, but a couple of my friends showed up, so I at least had a few people to eat watermelon with. I volunteered a half hour of my time to the picnic since I'm discovering more and more just how great this company is and how well I'm treated by the President. He's a wonderful man and I feel so blessed to be working for him. After my half hour stint as the signer-upper, I grabbed some juicy watermelon and settled down for an outrageous story by a friend and coworker about his previous night's attempts at bedding a chick. I saw him the night before at the club my girlfriend and I like to go dancing at, trying to work his magic on a girl he'd recently met. He introduced us on the dance floor and then we parted ways. His story the next day at the picnic concluded with offending an entire group of her friends. HILARIOUS! So much for that.

Once the story was over and I'd consumed more watermelon than probably anyone else at the picnic, I headed home on my bike, in the rain. It was nice to cool off and feel the drops land on my body. It's not normal to have rain this late in the year, but we welcome it... well, some of us do.

Production Day 2: Short Documentary

2010-06-05T13:57:00.000-06:00

06/05/2010

I managed to squeeze in four interviews and some good footage at an event for our documentary yesterday. Woo! People kept stepping in front of the camera but I'm confident that most of what I got can be usable. The hard part will be cutting it all down to fit into a 2-minute short. Gah! These people and their timelines. I said I'd *probably* never shoot for a contest again, but this is for a friend, so we're hammering it out for another contest. I don't think I've mentioned that about this film yet. The rules are like other rules and there will be an audience voting period, so once we're ready for the revealing I'll be asking for votes again.

Every day that I work on this film I get more excited about it. It's not like anything I've ever made before and I've got signed contracts up the wazoo right now. Gene and I just finished a "production meeting" at a local breakfast joint. It wasn't supposed to be a production meeting, but most of our outings turn into some sort of discussion about some film project. While dining, we did discover a few other shots that we can add to this film to give it some variety. Good... getting things done while eating is always a plus. ;)

Tonight, we shoot again! Scheduled time of arrival will be approximately 5:30 pm, and we'll shoot into the night. Tomorrow will be more shooting at our "subject's" house. Then another lunch-time shoot on Tuesday - fingers crossed for that to work out.

Production Day 1: Short Documentary

2010-06-03T21:19:00.000-06:00

06/03/2010

Did some shooting today for our documentary. I didn't get nearly as much footage as I would have liked - work got in the way. Guess that's what happens when you're trying to do everything on your lunch break, but everyone else has to work during that time. I did get some funny shit though. I was able to get a couple of guys to stand around and look like they were working, one of the guys didn't want to participate - he said no to signing the contract allowing us to use him - so, we moved away from him. He followed us and "pretended" to work. Once the camera was off, he was made fun of and agreed to signing the contract. Someone just wanted some screen time but didn't want to make a big deal out of it like another person who stuck his face in my lens. Ahhh... documentary filmmaking at it's best.

I am now in negotiations with the guy who's asked us to make this film for him. We're discussing the amount of interviews I'm willing to do. It's a two minute film, I'm trying to cut this list of people in half. We'll see who wins...

And, on another note, we're taking a small vacation soon for our 6-year anniversary! Fucking hell. Six years is a goddamned long time. This means that we've been together for 11 years. And for some reason, it doesn't feel like it's been that long. I guess that's a good thing. We've discovered so many new things about ourselves and each other in this amount of time. I love our relationship. I love that he loves me for who I am, there aren't too many people that can say that.

Pre-Production Day 2: Short Documentary

2010-06-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

06/02/2010

Contracts. Contracts. Contracts.

I wrote contracts tonight. I hope I've covered everything, I've never had to involve so many people in such a short film. With "Fisherman" we worked with the most people ever, at that point, and that was easy to wrangle all of their signatures on our contracts. This project, which is 8 minutes shorter than that one, needs soooo many fucking contracts I just hope I keep them all straight. I guess that's why this Aries brain is always in charge. ;)

Tomorrow marks our first day of shooting... on my one hour lunch break.

...HERE WE GO!...

Tiger & Rose: Random Production Update

2010-05-27T22:45:00.000-06:00

05/27/2010

Our super secret project has just been named! Well, we've known the name for a long time, but I figured putting it out there tonight would be a good idea. This way, I'm giving it a voice and hopefully getting everyone besides myself and Gene excited about it.

We received our first batch of wigs tonight and, of course, had to try them on. Not bad! Gene's could definitely use some work. Of the two that I ordered, one was a replacement color and the other was the entirely wrong wig! I decided to give it a try though because I hate returning things especially when they have to be shipped. A little tweak here and a little tweak there and voilà! I think it looks better than the one I originally ordered. Perfection.

Pre-Production Day 1: Short Documentary

2010-05-26T21:45:00.000-06:00

05/26/2010

We're back in the saddle.

Today marks the official first day of pre-production on a project in almost a year. Actually, it was May 6th of last year that I wrote my first blog entry of our film, "The Best Fisherman in the World." Wow, I can't believe we started production on that a year ago... and to think... our lives have changed so drastically since then.

I guess you could say that we're in pre-production of our super-secret film project considering we are writing music and buying costumes for it, but I haven't officially marked it. I blame it on the circumstances that have been presented to me since the year first began. But enough about that untold project, I'm here to talk about a project that needs to be completed ASAP.

Our friend presented it to us and after discussing it and each of us playing the devil's advocate over the project, we decided to take it on. After all, we've got nothing better to do with our time, and that's the truth. I mean, we are doing other things, but this will take precedence considering the subject matter, time line, and possible outcome. Plus, I think we're going to have a lot of backing and a lot going for us. This is a film of a lifetime, I'd have to say, and I'm honored that our friend chose us to make it.

I won't say much more about it considering that we're still in the very early stages of production, but today's meeting went very well. I can tell that we're going to work well together as a team and I have a preliminary shoot schedule already planned. If all goes well, I'll be posting the final product within weeks. It's a glorious time to be alive, working again, doing something I love, and living.

On a similar note, I've tweaked the "title" of my blog. Instead of saying "Trial by Fire, the Diary of an Aspiring Actress," I've changed it to "Trial by Fire, the Diary of an Aspiring Filmmaker." As I set up this meeting and took on the role of producer quite easily, I realized that I enjoy being behind the scenes. I could never get rid of the performer aspect of myself - I love to sing, dance, and perform my little heart out - but I'm content working behind the camera. I love all the behind the scenes shit: contemplating the best shot, planning a shoot schedule, making sure all our ducks are in a row before taking the next step. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, every aspect of filmmaking. I'm even enjoying the costuming part of it. I've finally accepted that I don't always have to be the star, I can be the one in the background, working her magic from the wings. I am a filmmaker.

I Think I'm Gonna Get Paid

2010-05-25T21:57:00.001-06:00

05/25/2010

I spent the majority of my day working on a job description and program for an intern that we're going to be hiring for the summer. I think this intern is going to have a blast! It's an eight-week program that will integrate all aspects of the company that I work for. She's going to walk away with a better knowledge about our company than I currently have, which is saying something because the position I currently hold has to know just about everything there is to know about the company, but it takes months to get it all straight. Of course she won't know the intimate details, which I have been trusted with, but she'll learn a lot and have many different bosses during her stay. I'm actually pretty proud of the program I'm writing for her - we're going to use it for future potential interns too. This shit could go down in history!

Memorial day will mark my first REAL THREE-DAY WEEKEND!!!! Since I'm still fairly new in my position - I think I've just completed my 3rd month, but I'm not new in the company - there's some argument going on with the HR department over whether I'm going to get holiday pay, or any pay for that matter, on Monday.

I was expecting to get the day off, but I didn't say anything about it today. Then when my boss (remember, I have a shit-ton of bosses, this one is the director of HR) told me that I wouldn't have to work that day because there would be no one to transfer phone calls to, I was thrilled. He then proceeded to exclaim, very excitedly, that I wouldn't get paid for it because I'm not that type of employee. I'm the only hourly employee in my department, and he got as fucking giddy as a goddamned school girl when he was explaining to me that I wouldn't get paid for my day off. This dude LOVES to save the company money when it's not an office supply that he needs, so he was practically jumping up and down with the fact that one of his employees wouldn't get paid on a day when EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING BUILDING will be. It was really funny to tell you the truth, because I've never seen him so excited. He looked like he was about to pee his pants. Good for him, it's nice to see someone get excited about something at work. Granted it was because I would have to take a no-pay day off and therefore my paycheck would be much lower than it should be, but hey, I made someone happy.

And tomorrow, I'm asking our HR lady if this is true. *neener-neener!*

What the Eff?

2010-05-24T21:49:00.000-06:00

05/24/2010

Shattered. That's what the rear window in my car is. Completely shattered. It is highly unlikely that someone did it, we don't have any enemies that we know of, although Gene does occasionally give tickets to cars parked illegally, but everyone likes us, right? The whole thing is just shattered. We, obviously, have no idea when it happened since we were both at work, and we don't know why it happened. We looked around for something that may have instigated the shattering, such as a BB or a rock, but we can't find anything. I'm kind of thinking it may be a rogue squirrel. We do park the car under some trees and maybe this squirrel just doesn't like us for some reason, so he's decided to drop something onto our rear window to prove a point: That it doesn't matter how small you are, you can still damage someone's window. Whichever way you look at it, however, we now have a broken window, and no time to drive the car to the shop. We definitely look like white trash now.

I have come to the realization, although I've known it for a while, so maybe it's more of an acceptance, but I don't think my parents really like me. I just kind of get that vibe from them every time I talk to them. I guess it happens right? Lot's of people don't like me, why not add the parents to the list as well? It's cool, because I'll tell you who DOES like me - my garden. It's growing, despite the snow on Saturday, my garden is still working hard to give me vegies. Therefore, my garden likes me.

Life is so weird. I work with a lot of people who are old enough, or young enough depending on how you look at it, to be my parents. They tell me of the troubles they have with their children and their own parents. I guess this shit never goes away. We see it in all the television shows too - 30 Rock being an example that comes to mind immediately with their recent Mother's Day episode. They say that you never stop being a parent, the same can be said for kids: You never stop being someone's child. When you look at it that way, I feel pretty fucking young!

No Dreams!

2010-05-20T22:06:00.001-06:00

05/20/2010

I watch as the sun sets on yet another day. In less than 12 hours, it will rise again. I love watching it come up over the Hare Krishna temple. It makes me feel like I live in another country, if just for a minute of my morning, before I start the coffee and cut the kiwi, to get ready to choke it down in two minutes because I woke up late again.

I didn't dream about work last night, so this morning was so much better than the last few. I don't know if anyone saw it on my face, but I felt good, and I felt alive. Then it all disappeared when I realized the problems with our new phone system were only getting worse. I have discovered yet another phone number that should probably run into my phone line. It currently goes nowhere - I hope no one's leaving a message on that voice mailbox. I see it as this lone box not currently connected to anything, sitting in a sea of boxes, in the darkness, waiting for someone to attach it to a line. There are so many questions left unanswered by the phone people, so I called them today. 24/7 support! they claim. Someone answered my phone call, that was definitely a plus, but that person couldn't help me. What the fuck? Seriously? Well, I'm doing my best and I'm making a list of all the problems I'm running into so I can bitch it at someone. I work for a very large company and I'm the girl who answers the phones - this is not really good for helping me get my job done when I can't actually do anything about the phone problems. Talk about the frustration of the year and it's still only May.

And thank fucking god/dess about that. The year is traveling by too quickly. January dragged like a fish on the end of a fishing line, but the rest of the year has acted like all those other fish that get away with their slippery skin and flimsy bodies. I didn't even realize that it was Thursday until we got on the track at the gym this afternoon. Our gym makes us switch directions on the track everyday for various reasons. Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays we run clockwise, whereas Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays we run counter clockwise. It's a smart move on their part, but I guess I didn't realize today was a counter clockwise day. It pisses me off when people run the wrong way on the track, thankfully Gene caught me before I ran into anyone.

I'm going through bouts of happiness and depression tonight. I'm not really sure what's going on except that some things make me happy to be alive, while others make me just dread every moment that I'm awake. I should probably stop reading about all the fancy things people are doing with their lives on facebook - that has a tendency to get me in a mood of feeling sorry for myself that I'm 30 years old and am not doing anything that I want to be doing with my life. I don't even have time to read a book because we don't have a dishwasher and I have to wash every fucking dish by hand! How the hell can two people make that many dirty dishes? It's not like I cook every meal at home, seven days a week... oh wait... I do... Damn.

But tomorrow is another day! Filled with a Barenaked Ladies concert right after work. Gene and I are going to ride our bikes to the botanical gardens where it will be held under the glimmering sky of ...rain?... fuck I hope not, but what the hell, the ladies will get me if there's a tornado present. We've been to three concerts of theirs previously and had to drive to all three. One in the San Francisco Bay area, and two in the Hollywood area. Because we had to drive to all of those, we didn't drink much at their concerts, but now that we live downtown, and can ride our bikes, we're going to get liquored up and have a blast with the Barenaked Ladies! I'm looking forward to seeing what they might be like without Steven Page. When he left the band we were devastated - well, maybe devastated is too strong a word, it's not like we pulled a Kurt Cobain desperate fan act, we just got all disappointed and shit. We couldn't imagine that band without one of it's founding members, but life runs it's course, shit happens, you do drugs, and then have to leave your band. Hey, it happens to the best of us.

Where can this take me?

2010-05-19T22:54:00.000-06:00

05/19/2010

This blog is ridiculous. This blog has been ridiculous for a while. That's all changing.

For the last three nights - maybe more, I can't tell - I've been dreaming about work. I don't think I dream about much else. It's all I can remember when I wake up anyway. I dream of myself sitting behind my desk being handed task after task that I just can't complete before the end of the work day. I probably feel like this in my waking life, so I'm attempting to finish my work in my dreams. My subconscious seems to assume that this might be the way to start fresh every morning. But it's not. I can't stand it. I'm slowly going crazy. In order to fix this, I've decided to attempt blogging every night before bed. I had a couple minutes to spare yesterday, the day before, last night - I can't remember - and I read an article about insomnia. I don't have insomnia, with the exception of those fucked up nights where I do seem to have it, I rarely have a problem sleeping. But I do, and have always, had a problem with dreaming about work. I just can't seem to let it go. One of the suggestions in this short article was to write a journal before bed. Then, maybe, just maybe, you might sleep better. What the fuck, right? I'll give it a try. Plus, writing is one of my many creative outlets and I have been feeling less than creative as of late. For at least a year now, anyway. I have the creative bug, but no time to do anything with it, so I let it rot and other bugs come and eat it all up.

I'm not sure what I'll be writing about, but maybe things that happened to me during the day? I'd like to write about upcoming or current projects and maybe this blog will just help keep me motivated to work on my projects. Then I can say, "Look what I can do!" And everyone can applaud me. All 29 of them... how many readers do I have? None? Kick ass.

I still won't publicly post what company I work for, because I don't want anyone to find me.

Today was a tough day at work. They changed our phone system. I'm glad, my phone seems to ring louder so I can hear it when I'm doing filing in the other offices down the hall, or chatting because I've got nothing better to do. I have two phone lines that run into my phone, so at first I had trouble setting up one of my voice mailboxes. No biggie, about an hour-and-a-half after I got to work we had it figured out. That was when we also realized that I had no phone lines currently running into my phone. Well then, no wonder the phone hadn't rang all morning! I thought I was just having a lucky, good day. That got fixed, but later on in the day we realized that we were missing an automated menu system that was supposedly attached to one of my phone numbers. It's still not fixed. I hope I don't dream about not getting that script written before I left this evening.

I had to stay at work an hour-and-a-half late today anyway due to a HUGE EVENT that was booked over night and will be presented on Friday. Even though I stayed late to work on that, I still didn't get my automated phone menu updated. It's not entirely my job anyway, I have to work with two other people to get it set up - one of them is heading back to Utah tomorrow, and the other is taking the weekend off for a wedding. I really hope no one minds getting my personal voice mail instead of the automated system they're used to. Hey! At least someone will check her messages in the morning!

Friday's event is pretty exciting for our company as the person speaking is one of the bigger political names in history. She's a she and her name rhymes with Wailin'. (I tried and tried for something clever and desperately offensive, but came up short.) I had a lot of errands to run for "her" this afternoon, which resulted in the late stay and a mile-long walk in knee-high boots. ...at least I got out of the office and had my exercise for the day.

Maybe that's also why I've decided to try this blogging everyday thing again - I didn't get my gym time. I have become so addicted to going to the gym that sometimes it's all I can think about. Gene and I have started meeting there right after work instead of going home first, so that I'm not tempted to eat a snack and sit on the couch first. We've taken to running a mile on the indoor track then lifting weights for about a half hour. I've come to realize through this, that I'm just thickly built. I'm pretty petite, not to mention short, but also thick. This body has some muscle packed in there! We'll be hitting the gym again tomorrow night after work, if all goes well, and Wailin' doesn't need me to work late again.

Another thing I'm addicted to is riding my bike. I rode for two hours on Saturday. My first hour ended in a major crash where my helmeted head actually hit the sidewalk. I have some pretty ugly bruises on my hips, but hardly a scratch on me. I've never broken a bone in my life... I kinda want to know what that feels like.

Speaking of addictions... I'm not addicted to alcohol, but I do enjoy it... every.single.night. And this week, I decided to just stop drinking. Not forever, I just kind of want to lose this weight I've gained since I quit dance classes last fall. I've been counting calories just for funsies, and have realized that I gain most of my calories in the juice I drink with my rum. So, I want to see what type of damage I can do if I just stopped drinking that shit every night. I feel great... but maybe that's also why I'm dreaming about work - because I'm not knocking those worries out every night with booze. Damn it all to hell!

And with that, I should probably get to bed. I feel good after getting all of that off my chest! Maybe there is something to this writing madness after all!

Gotcha!

2010-05-15T10:21:00.001-06:00

05/15/10

The graduation commences at the University in about an hour. I sit here planning my next move. While it would be a great experience to walk up on a stage and accept a bachelor's degree in something, I know that will probably never happen. Not never, never, but I'm not counting on that being something I accomplish in this soul's lifetime. I've got other things to plan. This is my first Saturday where I don't have to work or spend hours studying for my next test or speech. I can do whatever I want - I think to myself as my husband is at work. Since he works for the college, he is required, just like everyone else there, to work on graduation day. I think I'll go grocery shopping while he's out so I don't have to drag him with me later this weekend.

I'm going to set a date for myself to finish the first draft of my teen-fiction by September 1st. There we have it folks! I have set a public date! And I will do my best to stick to it. Nah. My best isn't good enough. I WILL FINISH MY FIRST DRAFT BY SEPTEMBER 1, 2010. There, that's better. :)

A couple of coworkers, my husband, and I, did something fun last night. We went to a hockey game and watched as the Cincinnati Cyclones beat our Idaho Steelheads 3-2 in an aggressive game. Those Cyclones play fucking rough! I think some of our Steelies weren't quite sure what hit them at first as we're in the Kelly Cup finals, meaning these two teams have never in history played each other. Tonight will be game two and even if I don't get a chance to attend (still thinking about it) I'll at least keep updated. We got to watch the game from a suite, because we're all sweet employees. My husband got to meet a lot of my coworkers and even the President of our company. That was cool. During the 2nd period, we stepped away from the game to pull a prank on one of our coworkers....

We wrapped his car in packing cellophane! I still haven't heard how the rest of his night went after he arrived at his car in the dirt lot to discover that a bunch of jackasses made it so he'd be late for his date. Hmmm.... texting a friend now to find out... I haven't pulled a prank in years! It was all my coworker's doing, by the way, I was just an extra body to help wrap the car. Honest.

This-n-That

2010-05-09T11:28:00.001-06:00

05/09/2010

As everyone at school gets ready for the big graduation day, I'm left feeling how anticlimactic my entire semester of school was. My last communications class was on Wednesday, and my last cultural anthropology class was on Friday. I've got a final on Monday and Wednesday of this week and then it's all over. I've already stopped studying... to a degree. I did spend at least one hour yesterday going over my communication notes, but there's only so much you can study. I have taken with me the knowledge that I need and have invested that into my memory. Everything else is just fluff.

You wanna hear something fucked up? I kinda want to go back in the fall, just because. But I can't. My job is a full time job and since the day I started they've been asking me when my last day of school is. It's not like they really need me for those two hours every morning, but they think they do, because for some reason, no one can do anything by themselves without an assistant there. HA! Assistant. ASSistant. I'm an ass. Makes me feel GREAT!

Instead of studying, my late nights have been spent choreographing a belly dance duet with my soul-sister. I have never choreographed anything in my life (except a fight scene for my 9th grade "Romeo and Juliet" project. Whoa!!! Blast from the mother-fucking past!!!!). Oh! And my bestest bestie in high school and I choreographed our song in "Once Upon a Mattress." That was a cute number - I think we attempted the cha-cha, or samba, or something "exotic." But as an adult, I've never attempted it because I am not a choreographer. Just like I'm not a song/music writer, just like I hardly feel like a teen-fiction novelist half the time. I've been playing around with various moves for weeks and finally, last Friday when I should have been studying BEFORE class, I decided to whip out a few dance moves and I nailed it. It's beautiful if I do say so myself. :)

I've also been doing some wig shopping and making my list for the wigs needed for our next film project. There are a few other projects in the works with various artists around town... Our summer seems to be filling up and for that, I am so grateful that I'm outta school. No more burning the midnight oil studying for something that does mean a lot to me, but that I just plain don't have time for. A question I've been asked a lot lately is if I have a degree in film making since that appears to be my passion. I'd love to, I've even considered "studying abroad" in So. Cal. with BSU prices. ...I'm still considering it, but what would I do with my husband who would have to stay here working in order to make those BSU prices happen for me? That's kind of a lofty dream that will probably never manifest.

Since school is over this week and finals will be finally over, it's time to set a new plan in motion. I need to ask myself, what's the next step? Where do I go from here? I've got a full time job, which takes up more time than my real life. I like to go to the gym to try to whip this body back into shape. I've gained a little bit of weight since the start of the year due to depression and lack of time to do ANYTHING but study and go to work. So, we've got job and gym. That still gives us a few hours every night for working on film projects and/or writing. Then we've got the weekends. After this coming weekend, I will no longer need to work on Saturdays! YESSSSS!!!! This summer could prove to be promising, so long as my garden doesn't die due to the fucking snow we got last week. My tomatoes look like shit and I'm kinda bumming about that.

And if you've got a couple minutes to spare, check out my friend! Gene (and I to a very small degree) edited this for his cheer tryout video. He shot it on a Droid phone.

Hold Please

2010-05-02T11:48:00.001-06:00

05/02/2010

I like to set due dates for projects and usually I complete my projects by said due dates come hell or high water. Our entire previous business revolved around due dates and getting our products completed and shipped before those due dates. There were only a couple of times when we had to push those back - one was a death in our friend-family, and the other was when we were closing and needed to shoot our top-10-winning film. March 1st and April 1st were due dates I set for two new projects. It's now May 2nd...

However! We're getting closer to producing these projects and turning them into a physical reality instead of just something that sits in our creative minds for us to laugh at alone. One of our projects involves music and I have finally completed the harmony to the *said in a deep voice issuing from a loud microphone* first stanza. Well... it's a start to a finished product! We are rendering our music in a program called Reason. I love it! I consider myself slightly-well versed in music, but definitely no music writer. I leave that shit to the pros. I can play the piano better than I should considering I only took a few lessons in kindergarten, and I can read music - the language of the heart - well enough to pretend I know what I'm doing. Using Reason has allowed me to produce exactly what I'm looking for without my fingers and brain fumbling around on my keyboard for hours. Gene's the master at showing me how to make it work and figuring out the beats. I guess it pays to have a drummer for a brother. I thought dating a drummer at one point in my life would have helped, but no such luck - I can keep a beat, I can dance to a beat, but I can't write a beat.

Anyway, once our music is done, then all we've got left for pre-production is costuming and wig shopping. Oooooh yes.... this involves a very large cast of outrageous characters. Oh how I wish we were already shooting and editing so I could just show the world what we're working on, but it's slow going. As I've mentioned previously, I'm finishing up a semester of school which has kicked my ass to the mother-fucking curb a couple of times with homework. In fact, I should really be reading some cultural anthropology shit instead of fucking around on my blog. I have a final next Wednesday and I haven't read much in this class in about two weeks due to my (what I consider) insane work schedule. I wrote a final paper for my communications class yesterday... in an hour... and it's five pages long... and DAMN FUCKING GOOD. You probably couldn't tell by my writing habits here, but I write a pretty convincing paper and actually sound like a college grad, where in fact, I'm only in what most might consider my first semester of higher education.

Speaking of... I'm calling it quits after this semester. It's been fun, but I am reminded again and again that I have other more important things to do in my life than go to school. Sure I might never have a paper that claims I'm smart enough to have a good paying job, but I really don't give a shit. I want to make films, I think I've made some pretty damn good films already, and this school shit is just getting in my fucking way. I'd love to quit my job too, but we need money to produce these films - costumes, wigs, software to edit, more camera equipment, and the list will continue on. At least once school's out I'll have a couple of extra hours every night to devote to producing instead of wasting it on homework.

I know my methods don't make sense to most people, and I've got everyone asking me why I'm not going back to school, and blah, blah, blah. But I know what I'm doing - I have a very clear understanding of my life despite what most people think. I'm not as stupid as I sound.

30th Birthday Bust Part Deux

2010-05-01T12:56:00.001-06:00

05/01/2010

...after my brother's phone call from Africa...

The siblings and I set out to walk the Strip. We walked from the MGM Grand to the Venetian, stopping for drinks along the way. I think it was Bally's that we stopped for a "family shot" which is a shot of patron with the hopes that none of us will start a fight with the other. Score! After $10 a shot, we were all feeling happy and enjoying our time together. No fights for this family! Not this time. We wandered some more until it was time for my brother and his wife to say goodbye. They could only stay for an afternoon and it was time for them to drive home so that they could make it to work early the next morning. This is why I say: No church, it takes away your Sundays!

After they left, Gene and I joined our buddies again to wander back down the strip toward our Hooters Hotel. It was time to get ready for the big concert.

Before we really set the dates for our trip to Vegas, I was looking around online to see if there were any shows that we might want to catch while we were there. I ran across the date of March 27th, my birthday, and saw that John Mayer would be having a concert. JOHN - FUCKING - MAYER!!! I told Gene and our friend Sean about it and they both said they'd rather not go. Who needs to see John Mayer? This kinda bummed me out in a big way, but being the nice person that I am I told them that if they'd rather go to a strip club ON MY BIRTHDAY then that's okay with me. I didn't want to cause any problems. As the days went by however, and my birthday got closer, I was really disappointed that no one wanted to see John Mayer with me. Why the fuck should I have to do something THEY wanted to do on MY birthday? I started to make a big stink about it. You only turn 30 once, and this whole Vegas thing was my idea anyway. Gene couldn't take it any longer and told me...

They'd already bought tickets before I even knew that John Mayer would be in Vegas on my birthday. I was ruining their surprise and being a royal bitch about it. So, there we have it. I spoiled my big birthday surprise because I didn't want to go to a strip club on my birthday, but wanted to see John Mayer instead.

On the night of March 27th, we headed to the Mandalay Bay and watched a fantastic concert. My sissy came with us and we had the time of our lives.

The next morning, Gene and I were up and ready to do something before anyone else. We decided to stop at the Hooters bar for some Irish Coffee, before we set out. We sat down, put some money in the video poker machine and waited for our bartender to acknowledge our presence. That bitch didn't even look at us. I finally flagged her down and ordered our drinks. When she brought them to us with a scowl on her face she informed us that we had to pay $14. Stop the fucking music. PAY?!?!?!?! I pointed out that we were playing poker therefore our drinks should be free. She asked me if we were playing the entire pot every time we push that button. I said, "that would be foolish gambling, we play the amount of money we think would be the best bet." "Then that'll be $14." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? We still wanted the drink, so we stupidly paid, but we took away her fucking tip. Bitch.

We had all planned to go to Old Town since we'd never been there before. Before we could leave, however, we had to gather our entire party. One problem. One of them was missing. He was sharing a room with Gene and I and hadn't come to bed at all on Saturday night. We woke up and his bed was still made from the night before. Shit. We looked around the casino floor but couldn't find him. He wasn't answering anyone's phone calls and we were starting to get worried. We couldn't just go to Old Town and hope that he found his way back to the right room! Finally, we got a hold of him. He was right where we left him the night before, at the black jack tables. The same one actually, we just hadn't thought to look for him there. He was trashed beyond belief. It was bad. For some reason, everyone thought it was a good idea to take him with us instead of leaving him to sleep it off. I swore that if he puked in the van, so would I, and that set my already bad mood - I was now royally pissed. We jumped in the van only to find that the door had slid off the hinges. The guys pushed and pulled until it finally got back into place and away we went. To In-n-Out?! Another stop on an already late morning and I was in no mood for burgers. Especially because I was already getting motion sick sitting in the back seat thinking about someone puking on my shoes. Gene and I hit the convenience store next door to buy ourselves a pack of beer. I was going to make something out of this already pissy day.

We made it to Old Town, met up with my Sissy, and got drunk. Lunch was delicious at the California Hotel where they served us Hawaiian food - poke (raw fish), macaroni salad, spam musubi, and teriyaki chicken. Mmm...

Later that afternoon, we headed back to the Strip to walk around a bit more, taking pictures, drinking, and finishing off our weekend attempting to win something. No luck. But it was fun.

I've described my 30th birthday weekend in one word: SOBERING. I'll stick by that word even a month later. I didn't drink as much as I should have and it was definitely not the trip I had envisioned. But it worked and I can say "that's what I did on my 30th birthday." I've got the pictures to remind me of the fun and the hugs from my sisters and brother. It was good times, but sobering.

sigh

2010-04-27T21:06:00.000-06:00

04/26/2010

Still in school. Still contemplating leaving with only two weeks left. Still completely and utterly depressed. Wishing things were different.

My job makes me neglect every other part of my life. 40 hours a week at work and nothing to show for it except a few people who think I'm cool and some flowers on "Administrative Professionals Day." This isn't what I've ever wanted to do with my life. But is anything I do? Only the filmmaking and it's almost been a year since that's happened.

Fuck me.

Decisions, decisions

2010-04-15T22:02:00.001-06:00

04/15/2010

I am really struggling with staying in school. It all started during spring break - big surprise. Although if I really think about it (and I don't have to think too hard) it started before I even started this semester. I love learning, but I don't love school. I thought I did, but I absolutely HATE people telling me what to read, when to read it, and when to write a paper on it - sometimes they even go so far as to tell me what to write a paper on. I don't have time for this shit! I've got a full time job, film projects up the fucking ass to work on, and my own *real* writing that I want to do. Instead, I spend hours upon hours doing homework that I don't even care about. School sucks. I really want to quit.

If I do quit... how will I feel about myself? I guess I wouldn't know until I make that decision. I have quit school before, back when I was just 19 years old (over 10 years ago now - blech) and when I quit, I felt so fucking good about myself. At that moment I felt free - I WAS IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE! I feel the same way now as I did then: I'm no longer in charge. But this could be said for anything - school, my job, the shit I do for other people. I don't think I've ever really been in charge. Not even when we had our own business because money and our customers were in charge of us. If we weren't making enough money, we were slaves to money. When we weren't making our customers happy, we were slaves to our customers. I am a slave to my life and it makes me want to quit.

I know that so many people have done what I'm doing and more. I'm a fucking pussy to be complaining about this shit, but honestly, I'm over it. I cried when I found out that I could go to school for $50 a semester. Who in the world gets opportunities like this? But at the same time... this type of life just isn't for me. I have my dreams, that's all that's really driven me, and some could even call me a slave to my dreams. But that's okay with me. I don't mind wearing the handcuffs that are chained to the hope that someday I could make a film that lands in Hollywood. People have asked me why I can't be happy making my small films in po-dunk Idaho, and being able to do so much more with my life than if I were to move back to California. But that's the thing - I'm not happy. I've tried it, I've lived it, and this shit just ain't for me.

I guess I'll stay in school, just so I could say I did it. But what does it all matter if I make the decision to not go back next semester? So, I got two fairly decent grades in classes that don't make no never mind to me, and I'll never need the grades in my future. I've learned what I need to learn - I've studied the students for my writing - I've lived it. And now I'm over it.

30th Birthday Bust

2010-04-11T12:11:00.001-06:00

04/11/2010

Now, over two weeks ago, I turned 30. I've been planning my Vegas 30th Birthday Bash for at least two years. All I knew was that I was turning 30 and I wanted to do it in style and in Vegas. On Thursday, the 25th of March, at 5:15, I finally clocked out at work and rode my bike home as quickly as I could. I knew everyone would be waiting for me to hop on the party-van and leave. They wanted to leave at 5:30, but I told them absolutely not, we would need to wait until 6:00, so that I could take a quick breather between work and an 8 hour car trip with boys. Besides, I hadn't even packed a single fucking thing for this trip, my week leading up to leaving left me with no time for packing. I pulled up to the house on my bike and there they were, waiting for me. And so it began and I wasn't even packed.

We drove for about eight hours to a little town called Ely, Nevada. It was snowing and none of us brought any clothes to prepare for that. At least we had a room. One of the friends I traveled with has muscular dystrophy so we had to set up his machines so that he could breathe through the night. Once that was done, we set out to the casino in this little shit-town to see if we could win a little somethin-somethin before hitting Vegas. No such luck, and I also couldn't sleep.

Early Friday morning, my last day in my 20's we left Ely and drove on to Vegas. When we arrived around 2:30 in the afternoon, we parked and walked into New York, New York. At this point in our trip, we had no hotel. We were supposed to, everything should have worked out, as I said, I've been planning this for two years, but the hotel reservations got fucked up big time and we had absolutely nowhere to stay. NOWHERE. At this point, I started freaking out a bit, so one of our travel-mates bought me a wallop of a drink from Coyote Ugly. I started to settle down and we set in search of a hotel to spend the weekend at.

This brought us to Hooters. Yup. I turned 30 at fucking Hooters. Yee-haw! It's kind of the epitome of my life - irony mixed in with a little fuck you and a dash of humor to make the trip a complete and total adventure. Once we checked into our rooms, set up our friend's machines for sleeping, and changed out of our travel clothes, we were ready to hit the strip. But first, free appetizers at the Hooters bar! Woot! (I never use the stupid expression *Woot!* but I figured it fit since the Hooters logo is a fucking owl. Why can't they just be blunt about it and make them boobs?)

The next morning, on my 30th birthday, we headed to the buffet for a champagne breakfast. The food was alright and the mimosas were refreshing. We thought we only got one mimosa per person, but our wonderful friend asked and sure enough, not only was the food refillable, so were the fucking mimosas! We sat there for three hours drinking free mimosas!!!! It was the best way to start my day off right. About half way through our drinking, my brother called and asked if I was having a good birthday. I told him yes and that I was sorry he couldn't join us, as I was saying this I saw my sister walk into the restaurant and I said to my brother on the phone, "Hey! Your sister just walked in!... And so did you!!" I knew my Sissy was coming, but I had no idea that my brother and his wife were. It was the best surprise. I absolutely love my siblings and having them there for my special day just reiterated how close we are, and how close we've become as we've gotten older.

They joined us for mimosas and we spent the rest of our morning drinking and laughing. As we headed out to hit the strip my phone rang. It was an out-of-country number so I debated on answering. I really didn't want to be charged up the wazoo for a phone call if I didn't know the person on the other line. As it was nearing the last ring I figured what the hell, I knew people in other countries. It was my baby brother, calling all the way from Africa. I think I screamed right there at the Hooters bar. Us kids ran outside and we each got our turn talking to our brother half a world away. We were all blown away by his call, hearing his voice, and knowing that he was having the time of his life, while we were playing in Vegas.

I LOVE MY FAMILY!

... I've got a lot of shit to do today, so the story of my 30th birthday bust will continue in another post...

Self-Disclosure

2010-04-04T22:06:00.000-06:00

Date: 04/04/2010

Communication Skill/Concept: Self-Disclosure, Trust

Detailed Description of the Event: We had our quarterly lunch for all the employees in a small section of our company. This was the first lunch I’ve ever participated in with these particular people, all of whom are my boss in some way. The lunch was mostly for us to get to know each other, or for those who’ve been with the company for a few years to get reacquainted on a friendly level. There was no discussion of work, just personal stories being traded while we ate our food. Everyone in this segment of the company has kids, from one child to five. The conversation turned to that of children and the question came up of whether or not I’m planning on having any of my own. My answer has, and always will be, a resounding no. I decided to tell the truth instead of stepping around the question and finding something else to talk about. I self-disclosed some very personal information about myself: the fact that I don’t want children. The moment the words came out of my mouth everyone at the table stopped talking and one of my immediate supervisors got a look of utter disgust on her face. I knew what was coming next before she even opened her mouth. She proceeded to bombard me with questions as to why I feel this way. Then she decided it was her right to tell me that I’m wrong and what I should do to change my opinion of children. It was not a new situation for me, as I’ve had this “talk” with many people, it was just something I wasn’t prepared to go through at the time, but continued with tenacity and a hope that this would soon be over.

What you learned about the communication skill/concept: I learned what I’ve always learned when self-disclosing information that people don’t agree with – that they will always judge you before hearing the full story. Then once they get your answers, which are never the answers they’re looking for, they decide that it’s in your, and their, best interest to change your mind and make you reconsider something you’ve been thinking about for most of your adult life. I knew it was a bad idea going in, but I felt that it was important to just come right out and give them that information. I know how it goes when the conversation of me not wanting children comes up, so I figured it would be best to get it out in the open early, while I’m still a new employee in this department. At the time, it was a bad idea, but I was able to smooth it over with some laughter and a change of subject to talking about where I was born. Knowing that I’m a Hawaiian baby always seems to calm people down.

Lots and Lots and Lots of Love

2010-03-30T22:56:00.000-06:00

03/30/2010

I have just returned from a weekend in Vegas celebrating my 30th birthday. It was rad. This immense overflowing of love didn't start on Thursday, however, it started on the Spring Equinox, Ostara, March 20.

I woke up bright and early, before the beautiful sun rose, and headed out west to attend my first sweat lodge. My beautiful Sunshine asked me to join her, her brother, and one of our mutual friends on this day of new beginnings. I can't and I won't describe what happened as I have been charged with secrets to keep. Besides, words cannot express the physical, spiritual, and emotional energy that ran through my body that morning as the sun peaked over the foothills and brought us a new day. It was magickal to say the least.

Immediately following that, I took Gene to get his first tattoo. It's bad ass, he designed it himself and to prove that he loves it, he's already making plans for his next work of art. After his four hour appointment, we drove out to the house of a friend for my tattoo! My BBFF (Boise Best Friend Forever) and I got matching soul-sister tattoos. I had a dream a couple months ago that she wanted me to get her face tattooed on my body, and in the dream I said "no fucking way." But I woke up wanting something to symbolize our friendship, instead of her actual face. So we got the Native American (Plains Indians) symbol for soul-sister tattooed on our left shoulder blade. She made this whole day for me and my 30th birthday.

The following Thursday night, Gene and two of my buddies from work left for a weekend of gambling and drinking in Las Vegas! I was going to recount my trip now, but I'm running on four hours of sleep and am realizing that I just can't tell it like it needs to be told. So, until next time (hopefully it won't be too long)...

Perceptions Can be Damaging

2010-03-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Date: 03/11/2010

Communication Skill/Concept: Perception

Detailed Description of the Event: Continuing with transitioning into my new job (as mentioned in my previous journal entry), I’ve also been dealing with the perceptions of others. Not just my own perceptions, but the perceptions presented to me by other people. I’ve been with this company since October of last year, so I’ve already gotten to know many of the people that I work with. Some, however, such as the accounting ladies and executive staff, never ventured down to where I worked previously, so we had no personal contact until now. A lot of people that I’ve met over the last week have all had something personal to say about our various coworkers. So-and-So is picky about these things, So-and-So is chauvinistic, So-and-So doesn’t like other women, So-and-So is the best person to work for. It makes my mind whirl with all the things I’ve been told about other people. I’ve always been of the mind that it’s for me to decide what other people are like, but I often let the opinions of others sway me when it comes to dealing with other people. I decided that this time I wouldn’t let the opinions of my coworkers influence my own perceptions of the people I work with.

What you learned about the Communication Skill/Concept: I’ve discovered that no one is as they’ve been described. I realize that less than a week is too soon to tell, but I think I’ve gotten a clear picture of what these people are like in person and how I should go about dealing with them. The work place is a hard enough place as it is to find ways to get along with others, and in not letting my perceptions be clouded by my coworkers, I’ve come to realize that everyone I work with is pretty cool. Sure, there are some that I can tell I might have problems with, but in that case, I’ll use my other skills to deal with them. For now, the guy that everyone says is chauvinistic really hasn’t shown that to me. If I treat him with respect, he seems to give that back to me. The lady that everyone says is very picky about how things in the office are organized is as they say, however she’s not as bad as they told me. She and I actually get along very well - we like everything to be organized. If I ever have to train someone in this position, or if we get another new person in our office, I’ll be sure to not give them my opinions of the people I work with. That’s for them to decide, not me.

Paraphrasing is not the same as Parroting

2010-03-09T21:03:00.002-07:00

Date: 03/09/2010

Communication Skill/Concept: Listening, Paraphrasing, Note Taking

Detailed Description of the Event: I have just been hired into a new position at work – one with more responsibilities and very minimal training. I only had one-and-a-half days with my soon-to-be old coworker, so we got down to business. She’d been in this position for almost an entire year, so explaining things to me was easy. I, however, have never held a position such as this one and was so nervous for my first training day that I didn’t sleep well the night before. I knew we were short on time and was just hoping that I could commit everything to memory.

Using the paraphrasing skills that we were taught in class required me to actually listen to my coworker and not just repeat, but understand and paraphrase back to her what I’d been told. This allowed her to recognize that I understood what she was telling me and would *hopefully* be able to complete this job without her there to hold my hand through the process. During this training, I also took notes, but didn’t have time to get very detailed in my notes due to the quickness of our training session. I wrote down key words regarding the important information she was telling me, and went back later that night to review what she had said. I was able to remember so much more than I have with any previous job trainings because I really took the time to “study” what I had been taught that afternoon.

What you learned about the Communication Skill/Concept: The paraphrasing portion of my training and my day, were difficult at first. I struggled with understanding what she was explaining enough to then tell it back to her without completely parroting what she was saying. I had to actually grasp the concepts of my new job and involve myself in the training process instead of just nodding and giving the occasional “uh huh.” Eventually I was able to paraphrase what she had been telling me and the rest of our training session went by unhindered.

I’ve always taken detailed notes because I’ve never gone back within 24 hours to study my notes, this time however, I definitely didn’t have the time to write out long sentences that my coworker was telling me. So, I took her key words, wrote them down, and studied them later that night. I can breeze through any of my job duties now without having to consult my notes, unless it’s for a specific password/number code that I have difficulties memorizing anyway. Tomorrow will be my third full day on the job and I’m looking forward to completing all my job duties without worrying that I wasn’t trained well enough.

I Wasn't Talking About You

2010-03-07T11:08:00.002-07:00

03/07/2010

People can be so self-absorbed! I thought we got out of that egocentrism stage when we were in high school. At least, I thought we were supposed to be out of it. When I write things or say things, I'm usually referring to my own life experience and not even considering other people. It could be a downfall, yes, but I don't really have time to think about every single person I've ever met in my life before uttering one sentence. So, I don't. I think I'd be way too caring if I did that and already I feel like one of the most unselfish people of all time. I do things for others. I put them before me. I let them plan my birthday bash around what THEY want to do so as not to make waves. I'm kind of my own worst enemy in that respect.

Although I usually put others first, I don't do it all the time, so it really pisses me off when people think that the shit I write or say is always about them. Take an old blog post of mine, for example. Someone I knew got pissed off because she thought I was talking about HER in my blog post. I hadn't even thought of her in months. I wonder how she'd feel if she knew that? Another example occurred today with a status update I'd made on facebook. I wasn't talking about anyone's kids in particular, just kids in general. I don't give a shit if everyone thinks their kids are well-behaved, because I wasn't talking about those kids. GAH! People just need to realize that they're just not that important in my life. There, I said it. (Please read the sarcasm here. I'm not trying to piss off anyone else. People ARE important, that's my point. I just don't think about every single one of the people I know every single moment of my life.) If I'm talking about a particular person, I'll be sure to mention names. Like... Today is Gene's birthday. Happy Birthday, Gene! I'm not going to wish a Happy Birthday to just anyone in this world, because I don't care about anyone else who's celebrating a birthday today. They can all go fuck themselves.

Apparently, egocentrism runs rampant among many people. As I was leaving my communications class on Friday, I was walking in front of two girls. They're the typical blond-makeup-"look at me"-types that you'll find everywhere. One of them made a comment to the other about how everyone in class looked at her when our professor said that the speeches would be delayed another day. Uhhh... last time I checked, EVERYONE'S speeches were getting delayed, NOT JUST HERS! So, why the fuck would we all look at her when he said this?!?! Because she's more important? Because we're not all thinking "Thank fucking god that they're delayed because that means that I have more time to prepare." Was I supposed to be thinking: "I wonder what she thinks about that? Because she must have the best speech in class, and I'm just a dumb-almost-30-year-old-brunette who really want's to know what the ugly blond chick is thinking at this very moment."

A Listening Exercise

2010-02-28T22:52:00.001-07:00

02/28/2010

I have to write 10 journal entries for my communication class about different communication skills that I learn and apply in life. I decided that since I already keep a blog, I'd also post my journal entries here. I mean, why not? Our Professor gave us some examples to use to help us understand what he was looking for. Since they all read as though they were written by high school students, I decided to word mine that way too. Well, not really, it just comes off sounding like that to me, because it's more of an assignment than a journal entry. So, here goes: Journal 1 of 10

Date: 02/28/2010

Four roles that I fill in life: Spouse, Employee, Friend, Coworker

Communication Skill/Concept: Proper Listening Position

Detailed Description of the Event: I was sitting alone at work, when a coworker came in to see me. We talk a lot at work, mostly him talking to me and me listening, so I thought he would be a good “subject” for me to try my first listening exercise on. As he came into my office, I offered him a cookie; I had seen him eyeing them when he first arrived. He took a big bite and started talking. I was still looking at my computer before turning around to face him directly and show that I wanted to give him my full attention. As I turned, I noticed that he was talking with his mouth full of peanut butter cookie. This normally doesn’t bother me, but the cookies I made were incredibly soft and gooey, so the peanut butter and chocolate were hanging in his mouth preventing him from forming his words completely, and closing his mouth while eating. Not only did this make it difficult to understand him, but I also had a hard time looking at him. I couldn’t help it; I turned my chair and faced my computer again, hoping that he’d finish his cookie quickly. No such luck, with the talking and chewing, this one-sided conversation seemed to go on forever, I kept attempting to position myself to face him with my shoulders squared to show real interest, but every time he opened his mouth and cookie flew out, I thought I was going to lose my own cookie that I’d eaten just before he arrived. Finally, the end came – he’d finished his cookie. I turned once again to face him and noticed that he was in a different position than when he started talking. At first he wasn’t facing me entirely either, but when I was finally able to face him, I’d noticed that he positioned himself in the proper listening position – squared shoulders and facing me directly to show interest. It intrigued me that my coworker would instinctively realize that we weren’t facing each other in a good manner for carrying on an actual conversation, where both parties talk and listen. He finished his story, both of us facing each other full on, and enjoyed a cookie-free punch line.

What you learned about the Communication Skill/Concept: I learned that we all understand the concept of listening to someone when they’re speaking, but that we don’t realize how important it is to position ourselves to listen properly and show real interest in the person speaking to us. I couldn’t help but turn away from my coworker, which prompted him to face me directly and hope that at some point I’d look like I was enjoying his story. We need to recognize that everyone needs to feel as if they’re the only person that’s important enough to listen to, even if they have cookie hanging out of their mouth.

Who's Proud of You Now?

2010-02-28T15:25:00.001-07:00

02/28/2010

On Friday, I got the news that I now have a new job. I will get a $2 an hour raise, which of course comes with more responsibilities. These are adult responsibilities. This is an adult job. I work 8-5, Monday through Friday, and have an hour for lunch; I have NEVER gotten an hour for lunch in any job I've ever worked. These hours are going to be a bit off since I'm still in school, so I'll be filling my extra time with working nights, but once the semester is over, those hours are mine. I can qualify for benefits and I might get a free hat. I kind of have a career-job now.

This scares the shit out of me.

This is not what I want to do with my life, but I need a job, and we desperately need money. I thought times were tough when we had our own business, but times are worse. I have NEVER lived paycheck to paycheck, but that's all we've been doing since we shut down our business a year ago. (It's only been a year, I'm thankful time hasn't gone by any faster than that.) This is going to allow us to actually start saving money again, and eventually buy more film equipment.

I told my parents about my adult job, and they're very proud of me. I don't remember them ever being proud of a job I've had. I know they only want the best for me, and I love them for it.

This whole aspect of my life is freaking me out. I love my new job, it's going to be a wonderful experience. I get to work closely with the President of our company, I still get customer contact (no matter how much I complain about customers, they keep me laughing), and I get to meet so many more people who are deeply involved in our company. This is going to be an extraordinary opportunity for me and I can't wait to get started, but I don't think anyone should be proud of me for this. This is a job. I'm going to make more than minimum wage, but not nearly as much as I did waiting tables, and I get to dress like a grown up. I bought new clothes yesterday; I spent about $40 on clothing that would have cost $200 if it weren't for the sales. I just have to find a nice grown-up jacket to go with my new outfits... and nylons.

As I'm in the midst of watching my dreams slip further from my grip, my baby brother is about to embark on the journey of a lifetime, which he just informed me has been a dream of his for as long as he can remember.

On March 2, he's leaving for a three-month trek through Africa. He'll be starting in Cape Town, South Africa, and will catch a flight home from Cairo, on June 1st. For three months, I will have no contact with my baby brother, for three months I get to be an emotional wreck as he lives his dream as dangerously as possible. If anyone is interested in following his adventure blog, I encourage you to click this link: http://shanecullen.wordpress.com/

I woke up this morning feeling like someone being hogtied and dragged behind a pickup truck with no way of letting go, just letting it happen. How did my life start to get away from me? How is it that the phone call I just had with my brother might be my last? How is it that the last time I saw him was for his 22nd birthday in Seattle last August? How the fuck am I going to get through this? And why the fuck are my parents proud of me?

This, that, and a whole lot of nothing

2010-02-26T11:31:00.001-07:00

02/26/2010

There are a lot of different things going on in my life and I feel completely ungrounded because of it. As if I'm suspended in air, watching my life pass before me, without actually being a part of it. Just writing that aspect of my life out has made me feel better - the acknowledgment of feeling this way as I try to make sense of it all.

I had a good cry this morning after I got home from school. Pandora visited me for the first time in my dreams last night and I can't get that feeling of love, yet emptiness, out of my body. She was here, giving me her messages, but all I can feel today is a complete sense of loss all over again. Fuck, here come the tears again. I'm just going to blame it on a case of PMS, which I rarely get. I hope that in admitting these feelings it doesn't keep her from visiting again. It was a blessed dream, and I've been wanting to see her again since she left. A member of one of my forums is going to do a book review on The Pagan Book of Living and Dying, by Starhawk, starting tomorrow, I think I might have to run to our local Pagan store within the next couple of days to read along with her. It just seems right.

A project that we put a bid in for, and also bought our DBA for, didn't come through. We got the news on Monday and it just seemed that our entire week went downhill from there. (It actually started on Friday with some bad family news, but I won't go there.) We got beat out by a "company" charging over $1000 less than we were, and who doesn't have anything to show for their work. It was all based on money. Well, you get what you pay for and if they were only willing to pay us enough to eat food for that week, then it wasn't worth our time and effort in the first place. But still, it was a bit of a blow to be beat out by people who have nothing to show for their work and who don't even think they're worth what this project should be worth, by charging such a low amount. Whatevs.

I just got full time hours at my job, and at the same time, I'm in the process of interviewing for another position in the company. The current job that I have with them will be over when the hockey and basketball season ends. It's a seasonal job and I knew that when I took it, failing to think that I'd love it so much that I wouldn't want to leave (unless it was to make films, of course). So, I'm trying to get a job with this company that has hours for me over the summer. I'm just not mentally ready to start yet another job so soon after finally making full time in my current position. Beggars can't be choosers, but I think my mind is about to implode with all the constant changes going on in my life.

We were supposed to launch a project on March 1st, but that due day was a bit too soon. I thought we'd be ready, but we only solidified all aspects of our project last weekend during a two-hour, 12-mile, bike ride. I love our bike rides, we always come up with the best ideas to either start or complete a project. I'm glad we're not coming out with it on the first though. If we want a solid project that is not only entertaining, but also professional, we need to get everything set the way it needs to be set. Instead of just running around with it all willy-nilly and hoping it turns out as best as it can. Although the date is getting pushed back, we're not going to drop this project all together. In fact, I'm going to be writing some music for it after I finish this blog post. Let's see how much I remember from my many, many years of violin, piano, and viola lessons.

One good thing stemming from today (so far) is that I really grasped my lead character in the teen fiction novel that I'm working on. I was sitting in my cultural anthropology class and - unfortunately for my note taking, but excellent for my character - I slipped into thinking about teenagers and what a little bitch I was when I was in high school. YES! I am so thankful that I was awful to some of my teachers back then, because it's giving me inspiration to work with for this book. At least I've grown up since then and have actually apologized to one of my teachers in particular for being so horrible. He said he forgave me.

For the Love of Social Networking or Not So Much

2010-02-20T10:58:00.002-07:00

02/20/2010

I facebook. Did I just turn that noun into a verb? Yup! I love facebook. It's my little corner of the world where I can do anything I want and people can watch me do it. Well, sort of. I post pictures of parties (although those are always very few and far between); I post pictures of my walk to work; I have my status updates which are little peeks into how I view the world; I ask questions of friends and love to read their answers; I post links to the little projects I work on: I am an avid facebooker. I am also very selective of who I let be my friend.

I've had old high school, junior high, and even some elementary school buddies, ask to be my friend: DENIED! I've had people from various jobs ask if I'm on facebook: DENIED! I've had customers from my old business try to friend me: DENIED! I am selective because I trust very few people to actually get my sense of humor. Plus, I say some of the most fucked up shit and I really don't want everyone I've ever met reading those status updates. Sure, most of them are connected to my twitter account, but you can't really comment on those. Plus, I have very few "friends" on twitter and very few friends who read this blog. And, the names I use for both of those accounts are fake names. I'm smart.

I find it really funny when you think you have a connection with someone, one drunken night at a party, and you whip out your phone and start friending them on facebook. How do you know that you're going to get along with this person when you're both dead sober and not fucked up on drugs and/or alcohol? How do you know you're going to like the stupid shit they post on their status updates? How do you know they're going to be cool with the stupid shit you post on your status updates?

And then comes the dilemma of event invites. I have recently set up a birthday event for myself. It's my 30th birthday bash in Las Vegas!!! I want every single one of my friends to join me. There are a lot of people in this world who have made a difference in my life and I want to celebrate our friendship together at a slot machine with a drink in one hand, smoke in another, high-fiving each other (I guess that would be fist-bumping now) because I just won five bucks. But when it actually came to the list of people I wanted to invite, I drew a blank. I looked at my friends list and realized that there were some people on that list that I DON'T want to see in Vegas for my birthday. There are guys on that list who I think are so fucking chauvinistic that they can shove their own penis up their nose, but they're still my friend on facebook! Or the co-worker that I don't really know but we made a connection one night at work so we're friends on facebook - is that person really going to get along with one of my old roomies who is now considered to be one of my closest friends? I think not. I know a lot of very different people in this world, and I also know that they won't all get along. Hell, I don't get along with most of the people I know. I decided to post the event on my page, but no formal invites of anyone except my family.

Ahh... there's another facebook, weird, fucked up, thing. FAMILY. I've denied many a cousin on my side and on my husband's side. These people don't need to know me on facebook. But I have allowed my mom and both of Gene's parents to be my friends on this awkward social networking site. Yeah. Terrible idea. But if I delete them now, I'd really look like a douche. So.... they get to see me use the word fuck on a daily basis and also see pictures of me drinking a lot of booze. They are also on the open invite for my Vegas birthday bash. I actually do want my parents and siblings to come. They've helped shape my life in ways they know nothing about, and I'd like them there to celebrate. But alas, it's only a birthday.

I go through phases with my facebook account. Today, I'm not that into it. The updates that most people are posting are pissing me off. I don't want to hear about your fucking kid or the brownies that you just made. Although there's one friend from high school that writes about her baking endeavors and I am always fascinated and salivating. I'm talking the updates that say something like: Woke up, took a shower, got the kids to school (little Johnny got an A on his math test yesterday!), and now I'm going to bake some brownies from a box, watch my soaps, and spend my day bored out of my skull until my husband and kids come home.

Yeah, not so much.

Today I Am An Angry Person

2010-02-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

02/20/2010

I embrace all my emotions - good, bad, happy, sad - I don't run from any of them. So today, I am an angry person. I realize that this anger just resides in me. People have caused it, sure, but I'm the one letting their actions and words anger me. I am in charge of my life and feelings, and today I'm letting me be angry. I feel completely misunderstood on so many levels by so many people. I feel that I can't say the things I want to say to my brother because that will just push him away from me. I feel as though I'm never going to reach my goals. I feel as though I'm stuck in this fucking town with no way out. I'm angry with me.

I don't sit on my ass and wait for things to come to me. I go out and I pursue. I've been planning my future since I was in junior high school, knowing full well what I want the end result to be and working constantly at getting to that result. Why haven't I gotten there yet? I'm about to turn 30 and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this age. I'm mad at myself for taking detours (or at least that's how I view them). But at the same time, if I hadn't taken those weird detours that seem to have come out of nowhere, I wouldn't be where I am today. Boise has given me more than I ever could have imagined, yet I feel so stuck here.

The anger is subsiding as I write. The heartbeat is slowing and I'm no longer feeling as though I'm going to hyperventilate. To this day, I've only met three people who have made me so angry that I can actually feel my blood boil, luckily none of them is sitting in this room.

My anger started yesterday and I felt most of it wash away as I got on the elliptical machine and proceeded to work my heart out. I have never felt that connected to an exercise before and I have never cried while doing any sort of physical activity. I bawled, but I kept my speed up. I let the tears run down my face, neck, and chest, and I cried so deeply that no sound came out. It felt good. Maybe I need to do that again today, feel the heat and the burn, let it all go away.

Happiness

2010-02-17T17:34:00.003-07:00

02/17/2010

When was the last time that you were ever truly happy? Hopefully your answer could be: At this very moment in my life. Isn't that what we strive for? Happiness in all things?

As I think about my life, I'm reminded of all my happy times. If someone were to ask me at this very moment when was I truly happy? I'd answer: When I lived in Colorado and worked for a dinner theatre. I had the most wonderful job, the absolutely best friends in the world, and we partied just about every night. I wasn't yet 21, the world was at my fingertips, I was naive, and I didn't have the worries that I have today. I'm thinking, however, that it's not the place, people, or time in my life, but how I VIEWED my life. I didn't really have a care in the world! I made shit wages, struggled desperately to pay my half of the rent and bills, but other than that.... Life was grand. If I wasn't at the theatre, which took up most of my time, I was sitting at home drinking and smoking, and hanging with my roommates and friends.

But then, as I was transitioning from my 20th to my 21st year, I sought out happiness. I didn't think I was happy at all, so I went in search of the happiness I longed for in California. Those years, without going into great detail, were the toughest years of my life, yet at the same time, I was VERY happy. I was doing what I'd always wanted to do with my life - live in California and try desperately to act in films.

For the last five years, I've done nothing but work at home and it drained me to the point of starvation on many levels. I remember, however, one of the first phone calls I had with my mom after moving to Boise to pursue our home-business. I told her that I had never been happier, and she told me that she could hear it in my voice.

At this time in my life, I'm incredibly happy, despite many, many downfalls recently. I'm going to school, I have an awesome job that I'm hoping is about to offer me better pay and more hours (crossing my fingers!), and I've actually MADE films. I have some pretty kick-ass friends here in Boise and elsewhere - I reconnected with those I lost touch with after high school and after leaving Colorado - and I'm pleasantly happy. But I don't feel as happy as I used to feel. I feel as though something is missing.

Is it all in how I look at it? Do I just feel unhappier because I now know what this fucked up world is like? Possibly. Or maybe, I just need to remove myself from my "adult" brain and think like a 20-year-old. Not necessarily be naive about life, but try not to have any worries. What do worries do for us anyway but give us unwanted wrinkles and gray hair? Fuck worries. I'm going to live happy.

You Can Watch Me In Your House

2010-02-16T07:48:00.002-07:00

Just a little update regarding a documentary film I worked on in 2005 - It's now available to purchase as a DVD! Yay! So, if you've been wanting to watch Beauty 24, a documentary about photographer Steve Gatlin, who traveled through 24 states in 24 days photographing 24 models, you can. Check it: http://therealbeautyproject.wordpress.com/the-store/

There was a coffee table book available, which I never had enough cash to purchase, but I can't seem to find the link to it. When I do, I'll post it, because I think it's pretty damn cool that I can also be seen in a book.

I guess, despite feeling as though life has come to a complete crawl, and I can't even tell if I'm moving forward or falling backward, I have accomplished a few things in life. One of those being the inspiring Beauty 24.

One Week Later

2010-02-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

I'm really not staying on top of my blog posting am I?

Damn. Must mean life is busy. Or I'm busy drinking myself away. Let's call it both. Last night was one of my last heavy drinking nights, I say, as I carefully consider taking this last large gulp of rum and juice and reaching for another. But look at me; at least I'm on the computer after work. This is saying something considering I don’t remember the last time I turned on my computer after I got home from work. There are two reasons for this. The main reason is due to the fact that I ran an internet shop for five long years of my fucking life. I was online, literally, 24/7. It was... bullshit. But it paid the bills, more than I realized, and I actually did enjoy myself. My life was online, and now that it's not, I refuse to be online when I absolutely don't have to, that means no email, blogs, or forums for me after I get home from work, Monday through Saturday. That is my time to veg in front of the TV and drink. That's all changing right fucking now.

Oh, before I move on, second reason why I don't turn my computer on after work, is because I'm on it all day long at work. I don't need to be back online staring at the same shit I was only an hour before I got home. And if I really was curious about ANYTHING, I've got my iPhone.

Life is changing, once again, and I welcome these changes with open arms. Gene and I are embarking on two new projects which are scheduled to hit the internet (yes, online A.G.A.I.N.) on March 1st and April 1st. Neither of these are real business ventures, but we're hoping to score a little bit of cash through them at some point. Mostly, these projects are to amuse ourselves and keep us from banging our heads against the walls in angst over not doing anything with our lives except working and drinking. I can't sit still. I can't be inside on a sunny day. I can't go through life doing nothing but working for the man. It's not me. And I grow weary. I will not talk about what these projects are until we get closer to unveiling them, but they're going to be fun. Fun for us anyway. I'm at the point now where I don't care if I offend or please people. I just want to make myself happy. Getting feedback is always a bonus, but I'm learning through the years that I also have to care about me. It's not always about the other person, which it has been about for so long. I say as I think about when I'll have time to help a friend design his baseball website.

Speaking of baseball, I am REALLY into sports now, more than ever. I mean, I loved them when I was a kid, mostly because my brothers played baseball and soccer, and my sister played basketball. But I also loved sports because of all the cute boys. What?! If I could have been a whore, I would have. Luckily for everyone else around me, I was raised with the notion that sex is a sin, so I only thought about it, and eventually learned how to masturbate. *Did she just say that?! - Bugger off if I offend you, I'm not writing for you anyway.*

I like how sports, to me, are just like art, only different. These guys work hard at what they do; you can see it in their concentration. Today, I had to let a hockey player from the rival team down to the locker rooms and I asked him how his day was going. He was shocked that I'd even ask, therefore he really couldn't answer because he was concentrating on the game he was about to play. He had shit to think about, not how he would answer the lady with the key. So, he choked out an "okay," mumbled about how he hoped I was having a good day, and I sent him on his way. I guess it's not sports entirely that I like, but people in general who really strive to follow their dreams and work hard at getting somewhere in life. Motivation. And that's, why I got online tonight after work, and that's why last night was my last big drinking night. We've got shit to do, because we're chasing our dreams.

Chance Meeting

2010-02-03T11:16:00.000-07:00

The personal encounters we have from a day-to-day occurrence are usually never thought of again. You run into someone in the grocery store, reach for the same book as someone at the library, or cross the street in front of a car, and you never think twice about that person you bumped into. Today, as I was walking home from school there was a guy (I have to admit he was very good looking, which is probably why I noticed him in the first place) standing next to a car with a flat tire. He had the trunk open and was holding a spare in one hand, while trying to call someone on his cell in the other. We looked at each other and I smiled. Then he talked to me. Although I've been living in Idaho for about five years now, I still rarely talk to people on the street. It's an old habit I brought with me from California - if you talk to anyone, they might ask you for money.

He asked me if I was heading to my car and if so, did I have a jack? He just bought this car used, but it didn't come with a jack. I told him that I was heading to my house, which my car was parked in the driveway. I only live a block away from where he was parked, so we set off down the street toward my house to pick up my jack. During this short walk, we found out that we had a few things in common. We didn't get into anything too deep, but we discovered that we were both going back to school after taking some time off - he at the age of 32, and me at the age of 29. He's writing a paper for his English class about the styles today and how everything just looks awful on everyone, and we had a good laugh. What was it? Two posts ago that I wrote about the skinny-jeans everyone is sporting? HA! Apparently, it's of some concern to everyone my age what these kids are wearing to school now.

We picked up my car jack and I headed inside and he back to his car. I needed to set my stuff down and take a much needed pee break. I headed back to meet him at his car to pick up my jack, and we met half way as he was bringing it back to me. We said goodbye and the chances of ever seeing each other again are very slim, just like those ugly-ass jeans.

I'm not writing about someone I just fell in love with, that man is still at work as I write this, receiving the texts I'm sending about our kitties playing with each other. I'm writing about an odd encounter with a stranger who turned out to have a few things in common with me. I just think it's interesting and weird that life can have all these moments. What we do with these moments and how we remember them is entirely up to us. Maybe I will see him again as I walk home from school on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. Maybe not. All I know is that it added a little something to my day and it made me feel good about my life and the fact that I am living it to the best of my ability. :)

Two Cats Fighting Productions

2010-02-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

In keeping up with the filmmaking side of me, considering all I've been writing about is school and my Pandora, I thought I'd mark today's Sabbat with some news about our production company.

First things first however, what the fuck is a Sabbat? A Sabbat is a Wiccan holiday, there are eight in total, and today is a Greater Sabbat known as Imbolc. It is when the Sun King makes his slow return (especially this year considering that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow this morning) and the Great Mother becomes a virgin once more. Sounds kinda Hippy-ish. Today is a day when the northern hemisphere starts its journey toward spring-time once again. We acknowledge the importance of winter, while preparing ourselves for the coming spring time. It is a day of celebration as we urge the warmth of the sun to return to us once again. This is a "creamy" holiday, which I mark by making my own herbed cheese - I cannot wait for dinner tonight!

Last week Wednesday, I headed down to the Secretary of the State's office to register our production company with a DBA or ABN. In other words, we are now doing business as Two Cats Fighting Productions. This does limit the amount of online video contests we can enter, but who really gives a shit? We never won anything from those anyway. We are now "official," I just hope no one tries to cut us a check for that business because there is no way in hell that we have enough money to open an actual checking account for it. We did it just for the legalities of the business name and title to make me Owner. Mwahahahaha! There are a few reasons why I am the only one on this license, but I'll only list one. If I ever wanted to get a grant to make a film using this production company, women are more likely than men to receive those grants. Hence the only owner in writing is a female. And... it gives me more power over my husband. FEMALE'S UNITE!

Over the weekend, while I was working diligently on my first speech for my communications class - a speech so aptly written about independent filmmaking - Gene worked on writing a bid for a big project we hope to acquire this spring/summer. I really can't say more than that because I don't want to jinx anything. We've had our own score of bad luck over the years and I'd like to keep my mouth shut about the project, at least on my blog. I think I've already told a number of people what our bid was for. If we do get this project, we may have the opportunity to purchase a crane, which will take our films to the ultimate awesome level of professionalism, and possibly a second camera. And it'll keep us going through the summer as the company I work with can only employ me through May or June, depending on how long our hockey season lasts. Let's hope these guys make it far in the playoffs.

And now, I must get ready for work. Blessed Imbolc, my friends. Even if you don't celebrate it, I want to send out warm and loving embraces to you all. This is a dark time for me, but I feel your love as I think of each of you while writing this piece.

Back to School

2010-01-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

It's very interesting to be in school ten years later. There are a lot of differences, yet at the same time, there are many similarities. Things have changed in an incredible way since I last stepped foot in any sort of academic classroom. There's a rule in my comm. class that we're not allowed to bring laptops. Apparently a couple semesters ago, our professor allowed his students to take notes on their laptops. There's a one-way mirror in the back of this classroom (I don't know why) and the guy sitting in front of the mirror had his laptop open and the mirror reflected back to our professor what he was doing on his laptop. It wasn't note taking. The dumbass was watching porn. In my anthropology class, about a quarter of the students take notes on their laptop. If it's quiet enough, which is hard to do with 190 students, you can hear their fingertips clacking on the keyboard. I prefer the old-fashioned method: pen and notebook. It's become apparent to me that I'm not as quick with the pen as I am with a keyboard, but alas, the pen is lighter than the lappy.

Another difference I notice is that everyone has cell phones. Even I can be seen whipping it out as I leave my classes to see if someone (Gene) has texted me, or check my email. I think I'm addicted. Due to this, there doesn't seem to be a connection between students as they walk from class to class. Sure, I've seen the occasional wave, or fist bump, but there's no eye contact. I'm not trying to scare people by looking in their eyes, but if we're all staring at our phones how would we know who we're passing on the sidewalk? Maybe it's just the writer in me who wants to "know" people.

The clothing has changed. While many kids are wearing those awful skin-tight-taper-legged-jeans, I'm walking around in my baggy pants. All I need is to dig out that old flannel shirt and I'll look just like I did in high school.

One of the things that hasn't changed is roll call. The professor calls the students name and we each answer "here" and raise our hands. It's cute. We don't do this in my anthropology class - we'd spend all class period going through the list - but in my comm. class, it's essential to our grade. It had just occurred to me this morning that this act was very elementary, and very familiar. I like it.

Another similarity of school, with years in between, is the different types of students. On Monday, the guy sitting next to me asked if I'd read the book in our comm. class. I nodded and he went on to summarize the book, ending his summary with a question of, "that's correct isn't it? I only read the summary online." I'm not quite sure what my face gave away, but my initial response was, "this guy is a fuck-head, not doing his homework...grumble...grumble...grumble." Then I remembered where I was, how old I am in comparison to this kid, and that most people DON'T do their homework, no matter who they are. So, I nodded again and said that he was right. What the fuck else am I going to do?

You have your students, mostly girls I've noticed, who think they know everything and that their opinion is so important they have to interrupt the professor's lecture and tell us all about it. Then you have the students who don't even want to answer a simple question such as, "how are you this morning?" I asked the girl sitting behind me that, and she looked at me like I was about to bite her head off. At least I'm scary... I guess. You have the people who look like they care TOO much, those who are in college to party (one guy actually said that), those who just want to get laid (for the first time), and those who look like they're about to puke because this is all just too overwhelming. I like the differences. I like that I get to be a part of it all, that I get to experience something I missed out on. I like that I can see all this from a distance, as a writer, as a filmmaker, and as ME. I also like that I can ground myself and really get into my classes. Every day that I have to go to bed early so I can wake up on time for school, is a good day.

Now, on to do my homework.