Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Starting over... Again

The thing they don't tell you about breakups is that you have to learn to be okay with yourself again. A breakup is a huge blow to the heart, the ego, and the self. Back in April of this year, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year - we started dating a few months after my divorce. After five months apart this past summer, discovering ourselves and really questioning what we wanted, we decided to give it another try. Less than a month later, it was over again. I won't go into the why's as that is a very private matter. I still love him deeply and we're going to remain friends. Not only because we're really good together, but we also have commitments to each other outside of our romantic relationship that we can't throw away. We're tethered to each other for a long time. All of that aside, however, it still hurts.

Over the summer, while we were apart, I learned how to be alone. I went through some major self-discovery that involved a lot of really shitty nights, a lot of crying, and a lot of drinking. I made it out okay in the end and by the end of September (when we got back together) I was a new person. Someone who could be alone. Live alone. Survive alone. I put me first for the first time in my life and it was refreshing. I finally learned to love ME. And I made a LOT of films! My goodness did I work my ass off this year. I kept myself incredibly busy, it was nice.

We broke up this past Wednesday. I'm still recovering. This time, however, my recovery is different. There's crying, but not all out bawling. I'm not drinking (not tonight, anyway). HA! And I'm surrounding myself with friends more than I did the last time. My friends even said that I could eat dinner over their sink instead of over my sink if it means I don't have to eat alone. My friends love me. The part that I'm struggling with this time is relearning to be alone. It's easier, but it's still tough. There are no goodnight texts. No good morning texts. There's no one to hold me while I heal through this time in my life. The house feels empty again. Quiet. Cold.

You have to be okay with yourself again. Think about that. Process that. For those going through their own recovery after a breakup, or divorce, or death, know that you're going to be okay. You'll find yourself once more. This isn't the end.