Thursday, June 30, 2016

Let it click

Hey you. Yeah you. This post is about you. This post is for you. And in a way, it's for me. It is difficult for me to describe what I've been going through for the last two years. I just celebrated my two year anniversary in a job that I have worked for my entire life. And I didn't even know that this type of job could be possible. Two years. I'm still here. The day passed without notice until now, when I realized what day it was. Two years. That's a long time. But again, it's not. This post is for you.

Time. It is relevant, yet irrelevant. It passes us at a snail's pace. And it passes us in the blink of an eye. Two years ago, I started a job in my chosen career path - I make videos for a living. Two years ago, I was shooting my first feature film. Two years ago, life was different. Two years ago, my life changed.

Last year, my life was not what is was the year before and it is not what it is today. Last year at this time, I was devastated by a divorce. I was trying to understand everything happening in my life. In the process, I almost lost my job. In the process, I won my company an award. In the process, I created some of the best art I've created to date. In the process, I started school. In the process, I lost myself. In the process, I discovered myself.

There's still more to discover. There's still more to process. There's still more to learn about me. And I'm getting there.

We all have our independent journeys. Not a single one of us is the same, but we are similar. We are dealing with the same shit. We are trying to understand who we are in the middle of the bullshit that has been flung at us. We are trying.

That pain that you feel. Feel it. Don't deny it. These rollercoasters of emotion is what make us who we are. It is what helps us grow. It is what heals us. At the same time. Accept those moments of pure ecstasy. Where everything seems nearly perfect. Where life is amazing. Where we can breathe and realize just how incredible we are for making it through another day.

Over the last few weeks, something in me has clicked. I've been going through life in a haze. Literally, a haze. For the last few months, I couldn't remember appointments I'd made. I couldn't remember conversations I'd had. I couldn't remember if I had fed my dog and cats, or not. I was not myself. I was me. But I wasn't. I was a different version of me that I hadn't known before. The version that was trying to piece everything together. The version that didn't know her front from her back, her head from her feet.

Then something clicked. I can see clearly now (the song starts playing in my head). I see what's in front of me, I see what's behind me, and I see what is happening now. I am okay. You are okay. This click changed something in my Universe. I have so many people who have been reaching out to me lately. And it's not for a date. It's for real. People who need someone to talk to. Someone to feel safe with. Someone to love. I clicked in my own life and the Universe changed.

It can happen for you. I don't know how. And I don't know when. But it will happen. Something will change. That moment. That specific moment when you face yourself and realize that you're going to be okay. It is so subtle. And then you notice everything happening around you. The life changes. The people. The hands reaching out to you. The hearts needing you.

We need you. We need you to stick around. Don't go away. You are too important. To me. To everyone. That moment of change. That moment of realization is going to happen. You. We. Us. We're all going to make it. Keep fighting. Life is precious. Give it time to click. Because it will. And then you can tell someone else your story. And help them click. Help them slip into the fold. Help them become them. Help them overcome this difficult road in life. This road ends and become another road. Help them. Help you.

Be real. Be authentic. Be you. Everything is going to be okay. Let life and love happen. It's all we can do.

Monday, June 27, 2016

On Being Single

I know that I write a lot about being single. I also know that it bothers some people. Let me be the first to say, that I actually really like my life. I'm happy. And this blog post is about to get real.

I like that I can sleep in a queen bed alone (along with three cats, but that's beside the point). I sleep diagonally and I may, or may not wear pajamas. Because I can. I don't have to ask anyone if I can, or can't do something. I don't have to check in with anybody, because there's no one to check in with. If I want to go out at 11:30 on a Sunday night to have a drink with a friend because shit just went down in the world and we both need someone to talk to, I can. I eat soup out of a can at 9pm because I was busy making a film and forgot to eat. Sometimes I only eat a PB&J sandwich. Sometimes I eat half a jar of pickles. I have my responsibilities, yes. I work full time. I attend school full time. I take care of my dog and cats, more than full time. I also make films in my free time, hang out with friends, and occasionally sleep in on the weekends. I do all of these things as an independent, responsible, carefree woman who knows what she wants and goes after it like a boss. I am not weak and I don't need someone to complete me.


It can be lonely.

I have amazing friends who I know would be there for me in a heartbeat if only I would ask. I have family members who will answer a text if I would only send it.

The tough part about being single - not alone, mind you, remember those supportive friends I have? - is not having someone there, in your house to share your joy and sorrow with. I choose not to have a roommate because I don't want my dog to go through separation anxiety after that roommate inevitably leaves. It has taken a year of training just to make him feel comfortable with me being his alpha. I can't have someone else enter my life (read: home) and leave again only to have to retrain and console my dog about the fact that people do leave. I get it. He doesn't.

But being alone in a house, when you hit a point in creating a film where you want to jump up-and-down and sing and dance because you just edited the fuck out of that film, can be tough. Those moments of pure joy and accomplishment should be shared! I want to sing my awesomeness to someone! I want someone to watch what I just created and laugh and cry with me. I do share my work with my friends, but that moment, just after you add the last dissolve into black to end your film. That moment, my friends. That moment is huge. And there's no one in the house to share it with.

The same goes for the heartache and sorrow. After a rough day at work, or hearing horrible news, sometimes all you want is someone to hold you. Or to be able to hold someone and share your warmth. We need touch. We need to feel like everything is going to be okay, even if it's not, and sometimes those feelings of okay can only come when someone holds you tight. Or touches you and makes you feel loved and wanted.

Touch. Joy. Exuberance. Love. Shared emotions. Peace.

Being single is cool. There is a lot I'm not saying about this ride, but I am having one hell of a good time with it. But it is also tough when all you want to do is share a dance, or a song with someone because you're happy. Or share a cuddle because you're sad.

I sit alone in my big house at 12:15am, knowing that I have to wake up for work in less than six hours, celebrating my independence and the fact that I just created an amazing short film. I'm sharing my joy through a blog post, because there is no one here to dance with me.