Friday, April 15, 2016

Love

It's been awhile since I've written. Life has been busy to an almost unhealthy degree. Life has also been beautiful, amazing, full of love, and quite shitty. I think that can describe just about anyone's life. We have our ups and downs; our roller coasters and our straight lines that we can walk with ease; our dreams and our fears; our loves and our heartbreaks.

What I'm about to write is going to be incredibly difficult for me, but I feel that I need to tell some portion of my story before I decide that I'm too busy to tell it. And maybe my story can help others heal in their own process of love and loss. I won't reveal everything, because that is not for everyone to know. Some secrets are best left untold and only understood by the people involved.

This post is not in anyway an act of revenge. This post is not meant to diminish the characters of the people involved. In fact, the people I'm about to write about are a couple of the biggest loves I've ever had the privilege of experiencing in my life. Please do not assume things about me or the people involved in my story. If you want some clarification, feel free to ask, chances are I won't indulge. Some things are better left unwritten and kept hidden in the corners of my heart.

Last Wednesday, April 6th, was my one-year anniversary of the day that my divorce papers were signed. I tried to let the day pass without thought, but that's not fair to the memory of my marriage or my divorce. Every moment that we experience in this life is a moment that is a part of us. We can't change the past. We shouldn't try to. And we also shouldn't try to forget it. Each moment is a chance to grow and become our best selves. So, I've marked these anniversaries in my calendar. I recognize the anniversary of the day I got married to the love of my life. I recognize the anniversary of the day I asked for a divorce, the day I started living alone, and the day that our papers were signed by the court. These are important dates. These experiences are what make me who I am.

Yesterday, I started what will become a new anniversary. I broke up with the man I've been seeing since last May. Yes, only a month after my divorce I began seeing someone who helped me heal, gave me hope, and made me feel things that I hadn't felt in years. We kept our relationship quiet until just recently. Only a few friends knew and I am so grateful that I got to share that aspect of my life with them. Last night, a month before our own one-year anniversary, I told him that I had to leave the relationship.

Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe what I'm going through right now. I really don't even know if there is a word for this awful pain. I won't go into why. Just like I didn't go into why I asked for a divorce. The why doesn't matter to anyone but me and the men involved in my life. What does matter is that these men made such an impact in my life. And when you truly love someone the loss you feel over a divorce, or breakup, is immense. You just want to stop your life and ask for a few days off to regroup and really determine if this was the best decision you've made, or if yet again, you made a huge mistake. But you can't. Life doesn't come with days off. Life just keeps going. After my heartbreaking conversation last night, I had to write a four-page script for my pre-production class. Funny thing is that my script is about revenge. It's just a coincidence. A really unfortunate coincidence, but I believe this might be one of my better scripts. Just saying.

Then, as I was writing my script, I got news from a family member that an old friend of mine had passed away that morning. Life never stops. Life never gives us a break. Whether it's a break from our own hearts, our own minds, the shit that goes on from day-to-day, there is never a break. We've all learned to cope with that in our own way. My like-minded friends turn to telling stories, whether it be on the page, on film, or with our bodies in dance. That's how we cope. I also cry into my pillows at night and drink booze. We all have our vices.

I am confident that these experiences in my own life will help me grow. I imagine that I've already grown, I just don't see it yet. I can't feel it because my entire being is trying to heal from the pain of two relationships that ended within a year of each other. I want to say that my walls are going up. That no one can reach me, but I'm sure that's not true. Walls may go up, but that doesn't mean that they can't be broken down. I want to say that I'm going to swear off relationships until I graduate from college in early 2018. But seriously... no sex for two more years? That's harsh. Although relationships don't equal sex and sex doesn't equal relationships, but two years is a long time to swear off something that you can't control. We all know that our heart has a mind of it's own. I can't control that heart and neither can you.

School and work will definitely be my focus though. That and taking care of my dog and my cats. We're in the process of moving, the five of us. I've finally started pulling things off the walls and packing away the books that I've carried around through 16 years of a relationship that was so deep and so beautiful, yet flawed in its own special way. It is time to sell the house that I bought with my ex-husband over three years ago. It is time to move into my own space. A place that I can call mine and feel comfortable entering after a day at work. A place that my dog can grow and my cats can bask in the sun. And then, after I graduate in 2018, who knows. My thoughts are looking toward California and what that state has to offer in the film industry. Besides, if my brothers will have me, I would love to live close to them. Those two men, along with my dad, mom, and sister, have been beacons of hope and love throughout my entire life. They are the people who make me feel secure and capable of anything in this lifetime.

As I began writing this post, I could hardly contain my emotions. I couldn't see my computer monitor through my tears. As I get close to my conclusion, my heart is hopeful and looking forward to what life might throw at me next. On Sunday, I will be heading to Vegas for NAB, a film, video, and broadcasting conference. I'm going on my own dime, but with the label of the company that I work for. I plan to learn new things, network with people in my field, and build my future. Although I've travelled alone multiple times over the last year, this will be the truly first time that I will be completely traveling alone. I'm not meeting up with a friend, or family member as I've done in previous trips. I'm arriving alone, staying in a super-sketchy motel alone, networking alone, eating meals alone, drinking alone, and leaving alone. My nights will consist of work (checking emails and such) and doing my schoolwork. Like I said: life never stops. It continues forward. School, work, conferences, love, heartbreak, family, friends, everything keeps moving forward. This moment will never happen again.