Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Still Kicking

It's the quiet nights spent alone in a four bedroom house with two living rooms and a large yard, that truly remind me that I am now divorced. The dog that won't leave my side and the three cats that fight over who gets to sleep by my head at night, remind me that I am the only human that lives here. The stinky cat boxes, dirty dishes, and drifts of dog hair on the floor remind me that I have to take care of all of this by myself. The always rushing with very little downtime reminds me that I am only one person. The trickle of water in the fish tank reminds me that I also have to do a water change and clean the tank... at some point in the near future.

The quiet.

The dog barking.

The cats playing.

The dishwasher running.

The broken heater.

The busted sprinklers.

The fence that needs fixed.

The weeds that need pulled.

The life that needs living.

It wasn't supposed to hurt this bad.

I had convinced myself that everything was going to be okay. That I would get through this because more than half of all couples get a divorce. And I don't even have kids to deal with. But I do have a dog and four three cats. My situation is not unique. But it is happening to me. And I don't know how to handle it.

The Ex announced on facebook that he's in a new relationship. Only one week after we received our signed and notarized divorce papers in the mail. I didn't see that one coming. I knew he was dating, but I didn't know anything was serious. A warning text would have been nice. Instead I found out the way everyone else did. Social media can be a fucking bitch.

Instead of going to a psychologist, I'm seeing a personal trainer. Twice a week for the next six months, me and this young, funny, good looking trainer are going to tighten me up and set me right. I haven't changed my diet - still a pescatarian who doesn't eat dairy, or a vegan who eats seafood - but I'm not being entirely healthy about it. PB & J for breakfast, and sometimes dinner. And if I don't feel like making something, I'll eat a couple of pickles for dinner and call it good. I've lost weight in all the wrong ways. And I don't remember the last night that I didn't have at least two alcoholic beverages. My recycle bin is fuller than my beer fridge. My personal trainer will force me to be accountable for myself.

I've also started choreographing a belly dance solo. I haven't danced since I broke my ankle in December of 2013, and I've been inspired by the beautiful dancers in our community to just take a step and do it. There is such a weight that lifts when I watch myself dance in the mirror. To move my body and understand that I still have to compensate for an Achilles tendon that doesn't quite work. I'll get there. I know I will. My dance is looking killer and I'm choreographing to what I call my jam: "I Lived," by One Republic.

To add more stress and remove time from my life, I'm starting film school on May the 4th. That's right. Film School. On May 4th. This is a three-year fast track to getting a Bachelor's of Science Degree in Digital Cinematography. To prep for going to school, my advisers are suggesting that I start putting away five to six hours every night. This means, that for the next two weeks, I have to spend up to six hours every night doing something so that my schedule and my head recognize how much of a commitment this is. Tonight, I worked on my dance, drank a little booze, and am now writing in my blog. I wonder if that counts...

Life is weird. Life is messed up. And at some point, I have to start editing the feature film we shot last summer, but I'm having a hard time imagining spending several hours a week with my Ex. We're supposed to still be best friends. And I don't even want to look at him right now. How's that for being raw and honest?

Sometimes, your emotions surprise you. And nothing you thought was possible starts to happen.

Despite all of this, life is good. I adore my job. It is really helping me get through this. I work a lot, and it is all paying off. I'm producing the best work I've ever created. I never thought that I could create videos like I do today. I'm actually really good at making videos. Who knew? And people are noticing.

I have a handful of amazing friends who have been there for me through all of this. They love me. They care for me. And they make sure that I'm still kicking. I hope they realize how much they are doing for me by just being there, even when being there is only just a simple text. Even when I say, "no, I don't want to go out tonight," the gesture from them does not go unnoticed. It's just that I'm not in the mood to go out. I mostly just want to watch movies, even though I haven't turned on Netflix in over a month.

And I'm calling my parents more than I ever have. They have really good things to say.

Shit happens and life never stops. I'm looking forward to how this life is shaping up.